Took 30yrs to come out then lost everything i owned :-(

Im new here today, looks like a friendly welcoming site ;-)
i guess i found myself looking for a support site due to the traumatic events that occured when i finally came out at the age of 30.

I am about to turn 32 in a few months and honestly its been the worst 2 years of my life!
I was married for many years to a man, i tried my hardest to suppress myself and just keep denying i wanted to be with a woman.
Then one day i just found myself coming out to my Therapist telling her if i have to stay married to my husband for one more minute il end up ending my life.
So i came out to him and moved out two months later...

He destroyed me in the divorce and took everything....i ended up homeless, depressed and suicidle.As i say that was almost two years ago now and i have gotten my life back on track...but the depression still flares up every now and then (especially at night and first thing in the morning.) The insomnia ( like tonight) is always recurrent, the anxiety that i started getting when i was homeless still comes up sometimes....but i am trying my hardest to recognise that everything happens for a reason.
My awful experience has not for one second left me regretting even for a second my decision to come out.
It is still the best thing i ever did, however awful it was.
And i am stronger for it, i just wish the nightmares would leave me, the anxiety would go and that i could stop bloody procrastinating.

There are many things that happened to me when i was homeless but i have left them out due to wanting to kp myself slightly disclosed on here, they were awful things that surrounded alot of bullying....i am trying to move on as i say but the volume of pain i went through just doesnt want to leave the back of my mind.

 

Awwe thankyou for your kind words ;-)
i dont seem to have very gd responses to antidepressants.
I tried Mirtazapine and it nearly pushed me over the edge....my DR wants me to try something else, something less stronger but its now made me paranoid to take anything at all.
I have herbal stress pills for my anxiety which is self prescribed that i got from a herbal shop....there the only thing im on at the minute...they help me to sleep but not a whole lot more tbh.....
but i dunno i have amazing days then i have awful days....theres no consistency...i go from laughing my head of to wanting to lay in bed for the rest of my life.

My friends want me to consider Therapy so im thinking of talking to someone, but im so proud i dunno i have not been back to a Therapist since i left my husband and its also daunting...god i sound pathetic huh :-(

 

Yeah i will ;-)
i think i must see a Therapist no matter what i decide, no matter how hard it is, coz i keep so much of my nightmare in and i dont let it out so it just makes me ill.
But yeah your right there are def many different pills available that may give me a better response then the first ones, i just got so close to taking my life n the Mirtazapine that it terrified me really.
Im due to see my doctor again really soon so im gonna be having a long chat with her about it all.
Thankyou for your advice ;-)

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2014 at 12:42 AM ----------

Awwe thankyou bingostring
thats very sweet ;-) i truly have no regrets, even if it killed me-id of rather die trying to live for me then live a long miserable life trying to conform to others.

Yes it was an awful traumatic two years, but a 30 year lie was killing me and i couldnt handle it anymore, im now in a better place i just need to keep myself here ;-)

 

Thats sooo sweet ;-)
big hugs going your way(&&&)

and yeah i know dont remind me lol, i tend to drop off about 3:30am then get up 3 hours later and head to work to manage a rowdy group of Reps till 6pm each evening...
O dear lol if i can manage them i cant understand why i cant manage my life lol:roflmao:

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2014 at 01:07 AM ----------

O the herbs arnt anything dodgy lol there from Holland and barretts their very similar to herbal nytols but more relaxers then sleeping pills, my mums a retired Psychiatric Nurse; she told me if im too scared to try sleeping pills i should go an buy these.
So in a way it wasnt exactly self prescribed completely without Medical advice....
All i told her was that i had bad insomnia and a lil anxiety....
she doesnt know i went through depression or about the suicidal thoughts.
Were not that close, so when i became homeless i never told her or any of my other family for that matter...they were angry enough as it is that i left him to come out as a lesbian-they pretty-much washed their hands of me. So i dnt wanna to be a laughing stock too by saying i had to live on the streets. Im very proud and lived ridiculously well before it all came crashing down.:tears:

Im bouncing back tho, but thankyou for the well wishing and the support your all so sweet ;-)

---------- Post added 27th Aug 2014 at 01:09 AM ----------

Awwe thankyou Lexington ;-)
i hope so ;-)

 

Thanks everyone ;-)

 

Thanks Resu ;-) thanks Dragoness ;-)
i think i came out of it but dip back in and out of the depression every now and then,
ive made the decision to speak to a Therapist, which is huge for me coz im so proud and very private. but ive decided i need to kp going forward now ive started.
if i stop now il end up falling back.
But the amazing support on here has already been huge for me-and i only joined about 4 nights ago(&&&):eusa_clap