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Married & confused

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Camusgirl, Aug 26, 2014.

  1. Camusgirl

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    Hi all,

    So this is my first post on the site. I have seen so many similar stories to mine and they have been such a comfort over the last few weeks. I am 31 and have considered myself straight my whole life. I have never questioned my sexual orientation & just assumed I was straight. Sex with men has been okay and I just figured that was the way it was. I mean I have had good sex but generally the experience has been underwhelming. Anyway, I have always been a staunch supporter of LGBT rights and over the last two years I have been doing research along those lines. So just over a month ago, I was interviewing a participant & half way through I realized I really liked her. I found her funny, beautiful & interesting. Since then my life has felt completely out of sync. I can't stop thinking about her and even bought her flowers. I also realized that there were signs before-my fantasies are generally about woman, I have thought about being with a girl many times but for some reason none of this ever really registered. Why is this? How has this part of me been kept so separate from the rest of me if that makes sense? To complicate matters I am married and have been for 5 years to a wonderful man. I am trying to just sit with all this & just see if this is really something or if it is just a phase. Any comments or advice would be great! Just nice to know I am not alone x
     
  2. Sig

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    Hi Camusgirl, welcome to the club lol, and welcome to EC. Your story is my story except that I'm twice your age almost and have only just come to the same conclusion.
    :slight_smile:
     
  3. Mocha

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    Hi there :smilewave. It's amazing isn't it how there are so many women in similar situations! I am one of them. But it's nice to find that you're not the only one in the situation and the support from here can be wonderful. I also have wondered how I didn't register about my orientation till I was 34! The signs were there I just didn't consider anything apart from marry a man, have kids! In my early 20s was when I realised I had feelings for women, but I thought all women likely felt like that or that it was just admiration. It was just earlier this year I let myself have these feelings. Before Xmas last year I had watched Last Tango in Halifax and really identified with Sarah Lancashire's character and it got my wildly thinking. Then in Jan I met my trigger crush and once I allowed myself to feel those feelings they were overwhelming, but very nice! I too am just trying to sit things out a bit, I don't want to do anything rash, I think in your situation that's a good idea until you're absolutely certain x
     
  4. BiPenguin

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    Welcome to EC, Camusgirl.
     
  5. GrumpyOldLady

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    I know exactly what you mean about having the fantasies and attractions and not registering them. I guess it's part of the denial. One part of me always knew, but I tried to keep that part so separate from the rest of my life that I didn't even acknowledge its existence.

    I too always thought it was normal to find sex just "OK", but now I'm not so sure. There were only a couple of times (out of many "meh" encounters) that I really enjoyed making out, both times with passive younger men with whom I took the initiative, and who were more pretty than handsome.

    I never tried anything with another girl, never even really considered it until recently. I'm still afraid of my queer thoughts, so I've been very slowly allowing myself to think about what it might be like to have a relationship with a woman, or to make out with one. Honestly, though, the longer I think about it the more sure I am that I'm pretty queer, because as I get used to the thoughts they're starting to feel "right" to me.
     
  6. DancingGirl

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    Welcome Camusgirl. As I was reading your post, I actually said "oh you poor girl". 1. Because I understand , so completely 2. Because you now wonder and that wonder can be very tiring.
    So know you are not alone. There is a pretty tight knit group of us. Feel free to join in. We are here for you and can maybe offer some insight.
     
  7. Camusgirl

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    Thank you all for the responses. Like I said before-it really helps knowing you are not alone. At times I feel like I am losing the plot a bit. I think what freaks me out so much is being unaware of such an important part of myself & assuming so many things about me that should not be based on assumptions. But you know you grow up in a society where you are supposed to be attracted to men & so I just went along with that. The idea of being different to the status quo scares me if I am honest. I am scared of being gay, of what people will think & how to be gay-being with a woman is exciting and scary at the same time. Things in that department have been so almost cut off for such a long time and now the thought of being really intimate with someone is petrifying. The girl in question made me feel things that I didn't know I could feel. Corny stuff like reading poetry and finally understanding what they are all on about. I feel ridiculous at times & I am trying very hard not to act on my feelings-the flowers were a slip up-because I need to be sure. Sigh...as you said DancingGirl so much wondering & it is tiring. I have felt so many different emotions lately its unreal. The guilt re my husband is also terrible-he is my best friend & I feel so bad. Dragoness how did your husband react when you told him if you don't mind me asking?
     
    #7 Camusgirl, Aug 27, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 27, 2014
  8. GrumpyOldLady

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    Camusgirl: It didn't bother him much. I haven't asked for any major changes so it hasn't been a big issue in the greater scheme of things. We've never had a traditional relationship, anyway, and it was never based primarily on sex. He's actually one of the very small number of men with whom I've felt at least a little bit of a mutual attraction.

    There have been issues over the years, but they've been on both sides, and we've managed to find our accomdation with them. Even now, our issues are not strictly due to my orientation, and I'm not yet willing to break up a long-term partnership, especially since children are involved.

    If I came out as strictly lesbian, wanted to have a relationship with a specific person, or didn't want to be with him anymore, his reaction would probably be different.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Hi and welcome to EC.

    I also wondered how I couldn't have know this about myself. But as you said, society expects you to be straight, get married, and have a family. I had no strong feelings to counter that plan - it sounded like a good plan to me. All this despite the fact that I'd been viewing gay porn for almost 5 years when I met my wife. We were married for 9 years before my world came crashing down around me. (I had coped, to some extent at least, by addiction - which eventually caught up with me, as it always does.)

    BUT - things have worked out. My wife was devastated at first, but soon came to realize that this was just the way it was, and she was going to make the best of it for the sake of our two daughters. We remain good friends and co-parents. I got married 3 years ago to a wonderful man who really makes me happy and in love in a way I didn't know I could be.

    It's like standing at the top of a ski slope. There's a lot of hesitation to push yourself over the edge, because at that point you're really committed to going down that hill - one way or another. You might fall, or you might sail down without incident. It is the self confidence that you can do it that you need to push off and start down. (And to extend the metaphor, someone told me that if you're not falling when you ski, you're not learning. I think the same applies in life. We learn from the mistakes and the difficult times.)

    Hope that helps. Again, welcome!
     
  10. FortunateSally

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    Another woman married for 5 years here. I totally understand. Has anyone linked *the* thread for this yet? :slight_smile:
    I haven't come completely out to my husband. I told him a few times in the past 5 years I was bisexual but it only occurred to me recently that I actually have a HIGH preference for women. My theory is that so much of the focus on the raising of women is on fulfilling others instead of ourselves that sometimes it's easy to push these feelings aside without even really knowing you're doing it. Hope all is well and you find some comfort in this forum. I know I have.

    ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2014 at 06:23 PM ----------

    Some of the stories and conversations in this thread may be helpful to you. Someone pointed it to me about a week ago and it was really useful to me for processing and giving nomenclature for a lot of what I'm feeling right now.
    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/143948-has-never-happened-before.html
     
  11. Camusgirl

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    Again, thank you everyone for your replies. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to have a place to speak about everything that has been going on. I feel so much better & I think I have realized that there is no rush-I am going to take my time & deal with things as I go. FortunateSally, I have also told my husband I am bisexual. We actually spoke about it last night & he was very supportive. He suspected as much anyway so it wasn't really a surprise. I have also been thinking about the way women are raised & how that has influenced my experience. I agree with you that we do get brought up to put others first. I also realized that for some reason I have had this idea that men are automatically better than me because they are men which has resulted in me feeling almost inferior around men a lot of the time. Realizing this has been so freeing because I can just be. Anyway thank you all again x

    ---------- Post added 28th Aug 2014 at 08:24 AM ----------

    FortunatelySally thank you for the heads up re the other thread. I will go have a look.