I've had several days where the stress of all the life changes that come with coming out are overwhelming. I'm trying to stay above water, and use all of the things my therapist has taught me to manage it. It's just a lot all at once. There are moments I desperately want to feel numb again,as I did for years when I locked up my feelings. And yet, when I hit that point, I realize, I never want to go back there again. At work and at home, I have to keep,it together. I thought maybe I could just let it out here. Thanks for listening.
It really can be overwhelming. There are days when I feel some of the same fears that I felt 30 years ago when I started slowly closing the closet door. And juggling the happiness of a wonderful new relationship with the awkwardness of a straight marriage that doesn't seem to want to die quickly is making for highs and lows that I haven't felt for years. If ever. We all have a lot to learn, and the support of others is essential to our survival. People ARE listening! And we care.
I can certainly relate, beingearnest! It's been a wild ride for me this year, and I'm not always sure I'll be able to manage. So far, there's at least been some conciliation in that, even with all of the stress, there's a good part that feels better about the honesty with myself. I too don't want to back to how I (didn't really) deal with stress before. I'm afraid sometimes that I'll slip back to those patterns, and I'd really rather not. I'm glad we have this place to talk about this.
Wow i couldnt have put it better myself.... i can totally empathise, i feel like since i came out my worlds turned into a whirlwind and im still waiting for my head to stop spinning, and my life to finally feel like something resembling normal and calm again. I think when we get that hurdle after hurdle after hurdle from coming out; we have to look at it in the sense that; if you can get through the hardest thing youve ever had to go through, if you can get through it and still stand firm then the rest after this 'must be smooth sailing' it has to be right?? well i hope so lol. If it gets any harder then this at the end of this period of my life im gonna look a hundred years old lol!
Numbness is definitely not the answer; stress can be managed. Let it all out here! In addition to the above, repeat to yourself this quote from Winston Churchill (who perversely always seemed happiest when things were at their most desperate):
Its great advice ;-) and i just joined the site last night and someone already quoted that one at me....and i def think its one of the best Quotes of affirmations ive heard in a while ;-) Pain is a natural part of life and when we get through it theres always a reward at the end ;-)
Thank you all. @choirboy, I am amazed that in this time, I have flashed back heavily to when I first went into the closet, and the things I said to myself again and again to shut down my feelings. (No one is ever going to love you. No,one will want to touch you...) these were words that others said to me, and I took them on as my own. It scared me to go back to that place. And to think of them again. I am reminding myself that it is not true. I am loved. I am capable of being loved. And I am able to love. All this comes at the time when my senses and feelings are awakening, as well as the desires that I kept locked away. I'm not even sure how to handle these feelings with their full intensity- at times they are wonderful, and at times scary. (But more wonderful.) my body is ready to rush forward, while my mind and heart are still upside down and inside out. I am getting closer to clarity in regards to my marriage. As time passes, it is clear to both of us that we are on very different paths. And for the first time, we actually talked about divorce. When I first came out, the thought was impossible to me. I wanted to make this work, and would do anything to make it work. But now, even that is not enough. All these years, we both worked 150% on our marriage- and have had a good one. Now that we are both aware, it feels like we are both giving 200%. I can't bear to see what it is doing to my wife, and I don't believe i can continue indefinitely. Would this be true a year from now if things settle, and we come to some peace? I really don't know. But I don't think so. And the truth is, i want to love, I want to be loved. Fully loved. And no matter how hard we try, it won't work between us. So divorce is beginning to look like a compassionate alternative, and not a failure. We have worked so hard. Reason, as well as strong intuition tell us both that we are heading towards divorce, but our hearts and heads still can't picture life apart yet. Or parenting separately. I feel torn. Thank you again for listening.
Thanks for your post, BeingEarnest. I appreciate all the responses as well. I don't necessarily feel overwhelmed, but I suppose my going back and forth about wanting to meet gay friends/find support summarizes my situation. Actions speak louder than words. If I were more sure and comfortable with what I was doing, I wouldn't continue these back-and-forth games. But the upside is that I really do accept my sexuality now. For me, the hardest part is that I found a relationship — and love — with a married guy. I'm still working through that. We haven't seen each other in months — but I decided to continue our friendship. He's the only guy I was ever completely open with — and I know he feels the same. I don't think relationships like this come often, so I'm willing to keep in touch while it all works itself out. I suppose part of my disappointment with every other avenue I've tried is that they don't compare to what I've already known. I honestly just realized that today. So best wishes to all who trudge this journey...
