Is my husband gay?

That is a painful place to be. I could not answer for your husband. It may be helpful to ask him to join you for couples therapy, and address the issue of intimacy. You have a right to speak for your own needs. And counseling could help.

If he is gay, he may not even be aware of it. I was so deep in the closet, I wasn't able to see it, and in fact had some very strong defenses built in to protect myself. If it turns out he is not gay, you have a basis to rekindle your marriage and life together. Wish you both well.

 

I have heard some straight guys aren't into getting blow jobs , I'm not sure if your husband is gay or not but I don't think that says gay , I've also heard many straight men have sex mechanically from many women not all of them do but so clearly do .

 

Well, nothing you've written indicates he's gay to me. I mean he could be, but he honestly just sounds like a guy with a low sex drive who has been withdrawing lately.

 

If he won't see a therapist and won't take medication you might have to issue some ultimatums or just live with it. Sometimes when people are having sexual dysfunction they withdraw from their partners because of the embarrassment or sometimes it's just an overarching hormonal issue. You have wvery right to be upset and to demand he work with you on your marriage. Nothing you said makes him sound gay though. Have you caught him watching gay porn? Or checking out good looking men when you are out? Is he a homophobe? What makes you think he might be gay?

 

Hi so cute,
Welcome to EC.

I can't speak for him, it can very well be some kind of sexual dysfunction.

I am not saying he is gay, however what you describe is pretty much the same things that were going on with our marriage and I am gay. I don't mean to upset you and it could very well be something physical with him I'm just relating my story.

I hope everything works out for you

 

At first I was able to, but she never really had a big sex drive so it wasn't much of a problem. Since I admitted it to myself its been harder but there are also other issues as well

 

Please don't hate yourself or think you are disgusting. Whatever is going on with him, It sounds like you are doing everything you can.

 

Take care of yourself. Your needs matter too and even if his is gay if he doesn't level with you and isn't willing to work with you it might be time to put your foot down. Open marriage, separation, etc. Sometimes letting your spouse know you are dead serious an help move them in to action.

 

Contrary to what others think, I think that there is a possibility that you may be right about your husband. He may be enjoying the physical stimulation of intercourse or accepting that, given that he is married that is what is available to him sexually, but not really be "into you" in an emotional sense. He may also be engaging in sex to convince himself that his fear of homosexuality can't be true, since he is "performing" as a heterosexual would be expected to. Unfortunately, whatever the case is, none of his actions are absolute proof of his sexuality. It is also possible that he is having some emotional interactions with another woman, an equally unfortunate situation which he might be trying to mask.

Lacking any specific information that he is having contact with other males, or even looking at pictures and thinking about them, you are sort of in a difficult position to get a definitive answer to the question. There are web sites for women who are married to homosexual men; try some Goggling on the topic and check them out. They may help to find answers to your question, as well as ways to deal with the problems you and he are having, if he is indeed a closeted married homosexual.

 

I don't know if he is gay or not, but you honestly sound exactly how my ex-husband did and I sound like how your husband is in terms of not wanting any forms of intimacy or affection. This could be something else going on with him, I don't know. Or he could be struggling with the possibility he isn't straight. With my ex and I there were many other issues as well, but once I realized I was gay it only greatly exacerbated the problem. I agree with some of the others, if you are unhappy and he is unwilling to work with you, you will need to decide what is best for you whether that be staying or leaving. You need to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. Have you considered counseling without him?

 

The homophobia you mentioned is an indicator that your instinct may be right. A lot of men who are closeted or in denial have this response.

Of course it's not definitive evidence and everyone else is right that you should try to get some counseling. It sucks to be in your position and I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Sooo cute,

I agree with other folks here that you should seek out some counseling for yourself, even if he won't go. It sounds like something's going on that he feels some shame and fear about sharing with you. It sounds like these are changes from previous behavior?