First of all, I don’t want to downplay any of the terrible experiences that others have endured in their childhoods. MANY have had it much worse than I have. I also want to be clear that I’m not sharing this in order to receive sympathy or to satisfy my own apathy. I kind of just wanted to write it down and share it because I can. Apologies for the length by the way. A couple of days ago, I think as a result of meditation and a book that I’ve been reading, a lot of childhood memories came bubbling to the surface. As a result of these memories, I’ve come a realisation that – as an adult - I feel a lot of shame and guilt from past events and situations. I know my parents did they best job that they knew how to do with me and they have never put me down or purposely made me feel like a failure, but I remember often feeling like I was. I think I’ve been bottling it all up for a very long time, ignoring it, hiding from it, at some points believing that it had just evaporated and left me happy and confident. It turns out my happiness and confidence over the years has been fake and unauthentic. My real feelings only coming to the surface when I’m drunk, high, stoned, tired, heartbroken or all of the above. This unauthenticity is probably why people struggle to trust me, why I don’t make friends easily and why my intimate relationships have always been confusing or difficult to achieve. Obviously being homosexual and hiding my homosexuality was a major shame point for quite a few years, but contemplation has revealed that there are a lot of other things. I suppose that shame was so strong for so long that it kind of smothered the “smaller” shames. I remember feeling a tremendous sense of freedom and release after coming out, that smothering shame had been lifted, but I suppose I forgot to go back to the other issues that were there before the sexuality became a problem. Not realising these things were still there inside me – the “coming down” from the elation of coming out was unexpected and confusing. Some of the memories include – being bullied by another boy in primary school nearly every day for 7 years, feeling like I was being bullied by my sister at home, feeling bullied by and afraid of the teacher that I had for the first three years of primary school, getting smacked once by the same teacher for I don’t know what, once in primary school getting strangled in class by a troubled student, once getting verbally abused over the phone by a fellow student’s father because of a perception that I was bullying his son, getting verbally abused once over the phone by the same man for trying and failing at becoming good at sports for my parents, pretending that I enjoyed sports in order to spend time away from the environments in which I felt afraid, feeling bad that I wasn’t a champion sports person like my father - no matter how hard I tried, feeling bad because I didn’t like learning about my father’s profession, feeling inferior to my sister because she was a natural at just about everything that I struggled to be average at (e.g. socially, athletically, academically, even the fact that she was always seen by our peers as much more physically attractive), feeling like my parents SHOULD feel more proud of her than of me because of all of her talents – even though they never made any indication of favouritism. So the plan now is start remembering more of these pivotal events and situations, look at through an adults eyes, hopefully see these things for what they were and find a way to accept them and let them go. I don’t really have any questions but if anyone wants to comment, feel free. Thanks for reading. Peace! (*hug*)
Hi Mangotree, Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you have been working through a lot of heavy stuff lately. That takes courage because often its just easier to bury things deep down. Reading your story I can see how your sexuality overshadowed other issues and maybe you were hoping that when you were out everything else would just fall into place. As you said, the shame of being gay overshadowed the other shames. It seems to me that you have felt 'bad' about yourself for so long that you now perceive this badness as truth. Hopefully working through your stuff will help you understand that this is not the case.Be be kind to yourself, be gentle and take your time. x
--Edit-- Screwed one bit up. Some of the memories include – being bullied by another boy in primary school nearly every day for 7 years, feeling like I was being bullied by my sister at home, feeling bullied by and afraid of the teacher that I had for the first three years of primary school, getting smacked once by the same teacher for I don’t know what, once in primary school getting strangled in class by a troubled student, once getting verbally abused over the phone by a fellow student’s father because of a perception that I was bullying his son, getting verbally abused once over the phone by the same man for not being able answer his questions about my father's business, trying and failing at becoming good at sports for my parents, pretending that I enjoyed sports in order to spend time away from the environments in which I felt afraid, feeling bad that I wasn’t a champion sports person like my father - no matter how hard I tried, feeling bad because I didn’t like learning about my father’s profession, feeling inferior to my sister because she was a natural at just about everything that I struggled to be average at (e.g. socially, athletically, academically, even the fact that she was always seen by our peers as much more physically attractive), feeling like my parents SHOULD feel more proud of her than of me because of all of her talents – even though they never made any indication of favouritism.
Hi mangotree I was bullied mercilessly for four years straight, by this 'gang' of guys, in high school. I went from being a gentle but outgoing kid, to a social wreck who could barely look someone in the eyes, let alone hold a decent conversation. And during that time, I was getting mistreated at home. Not fun, eh? I can recall how glad I was on two days: the very last day of high school, when I knew I would never have to do another day in such a place again; and the day I got my first flat away from home. Some of us get to enjoy our childhoods, others get to survive them.
Gosh yes, especially leaving school for the last time. I actually didn't finish High School, only went to year 10.
I can still recall going out of the school entrance for that last time, even now, in my mind's eye. Anyway I just wanted to tell you, I can fully relate to how the past can impact upon the present. Memories are stored not just in the mind, but even in our bodies. It can take some time to heal. But it bothers me that many of the good folks I know, were actually bullied while young. I'm not saying one has to have suffered greatly to have compassion, but in my case, enduring more than I thought I could bear, ended up forcing me to ask lots of pretty deep questions about life, so it's not all bad. Plus I've ended up being so averse to cruelty that I can't even watch graphic violence on TV, it's too upsetting for me. Even when someone has wronged me, I don't wish harm on them in return. So I like to think that maybe all my suffering has made me more compassionate, that can be something positive to take away from it all.
I can totally relate to this as well. I generally avoid movies and TV shows where violence or killing is present. I really can't get my head around how someone can enjoy watching others in pain - even if it is fictional. When other people get all hyped up and excited about fight scenes or battle scenes, I often close my eyes, turn away or turn it off. Game of Thrones is a good example.
Hi Mangotree, My heart goes out to you. I was bullied extensively from 2nd grade to 10th grade. At times, gangs of kids would surround me, and force me to fight one of them, or break through and run away, which I did often. Several would give me Charlie horses (a straight punch to the arm that would leave a bruise)- this was daily for years. They regularly called me names to humiliate me, and if they found one that struck a nerve, they would repeat it over and over. Some of these included 'fag, homo, and other sexual terms' - (which made me especially afraid of being gay) They would threaten me in class, in the gym, at the bus stop, the playground... And many times I either bolted out the door and ran all the way home, or would find an excuse to stay late after school, and hope to be sheltered by the teacher, when I rode the bus, I would want to sit up front to avoid the bullying, but kids wouldn't even let me into their seat. Often they forced me to the back, where older kids could humiliate me. On a couple of occasions, they forced me to sit in the trash can at the back of the bus, while all the kids chanted my name... For over 10 minutes. I even hated my own name. In middle school and high school, the locker room was hell. People would steal my clothes, snap me with towels, ridicule me for being so thin. And on occasion, try to stick my head in the toilette. I could go on. Standing up for myself, fighting back did not stop it, it only made them bolder. Going to my parents, teachers, principals and bus drivers did not help. They tried to help at times, but all of them gave up, or turned a blind eye, and just let it happen. The only thing that worked was to become invisible, to be as non existent as I could be. I felt then, and sometimes now, deep shame and humiliation from these experiences. Because so many kids felt free to treat me like nothing, and so many adults in my life let it happen, I assumed it was something about me, that I really was worthless. I felt anger and rage at it all, but ultimately turned it inward on myself, to the point of trying to commit suicide. Today when these memories come up, I am allowing myself to feel the anger, and to let it out in appropriate ways, especially in therapy. I did not deserve what they did to me. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE BULLIED. I think of shame as the cover I used to contain the emotions, and keep them from overwhelming me. But it is no longer useful, in fact it is destructive. So I work to let it go, and seek ways to deal with reality, and to have compassion for myself. My therapist has had me journaling the memories as they come up, which has been helpful. Mango, I hope that the fact that these memories are surfacing for you now because of the confidence you have found in other areas if your life. Maybe it is your minds way of saying 'I can deal with this now.' Because you can. I wish you well.
Mangotree, whatever BS you had to go through as a kid, you have come through it and are now an adult. If your avatar is your own picture, you are one healthy-good-looking dude, who could walk into a room and walk out with anyone you want to. There is really no need for you to dwell on a miserable past when you have such a potentially great present and future; it's like worrying about the runway behind you when you are taking off in a plane; only the part in front of you matters. Everyone has something that happened in their past that upsets or confuses them. Sure, it is good to understand how it might have influenced you back then, but the people you meet today and tomorrow are not aware of that past; they only see you as you are today. Set your goal to be what you wanted to be when you grew up, and don't look back too long; the past is "gone with the wind", not who you are today or can be tomorrow. (*hug*)
Thanks a lot for the encouragement mate. GREAT idea with the journal too, I started one straight after reading this. Even more memories kept coming back as I was writing in it. I'm really sorry to hear that you endured such a difficult childhood.
Thanks Yossarian, Yeah, I have learnt all about living in the present and have succeeded for a very long time with that until very recently. Now it feels kind of like I used it to mentally/intellectually cover up all of the past emotional pain. You're right, I am certainly not the kind of person now that anyone would try to start a fight with or pick on physically. I do still receive and accept psychological or verbal abuse from time to time though, without defending myself - even as an adult. Up until recently, I thought all the words just went right through me. I sometimes think my current size and strength was my subconscious's way of protecting me against repetition of past events and situations. For example - I was an extremely weak, skinny kid that no one would ever pick for a football team, but nowadays I often get asked why I don't play football lol I do feel like exploring my past is what I want/need to do at the moment. It feels like the floodgate is open and I'm kind of glad it is. Up until that moment a few days ago, I couldn't remember anything about my childhood or even some of my late teens/early 20's. It was almost like someone else had lived them. Even when my parents told me about something that happened, I could not remember being there at all. And there have been photos pop up everywhere where I can't remember ever being in the places or with the people that were in them, but I obviously was. There seems to be good times mixed in there as well.
mangotree I'm overwhelmed by your posts and the others (in a good way). I want to re-read them a number of times to let them soak in. I envy you in a way that you are able to remember. I've been unable to remember most of my childhood thus far. What is the book that you're reading? I hope that in delving into the posts maybe something will trigger my sub-conscious into letting go, or maybe it's not to be be, I don't know. Thanks again for being open and sharing some of your most private thoughts and feelings. Take care, John
I too was bullied at school and it had a huge impact on me, psychologically and academically. The homophobic abuse was really soul destroying and I have no doubt that it pushed me deeper into the closet. Throughout school, my emotional wellbeing plummeted as quickly as my grades and by the time I left my confidence and self esteem had crashed through the floor. For me, school wasn't a learning environment, unless you count survival as a part of the learning curve... for that, I would have gained top marks. The experiences of my youth undoubtedly left a mark. As a result of talking, learning, reflecting, self work and development I've managed to overcome many of the issues, but some remain. Even to this day I struggle with confrontational situations and I really don't mix well with hyper masculine or aggressive men. For a long time I used to kick lumps out of myself about this, considering myself weak, timid and somehow lacking as a man.. and yes, I felt rather ashamed, but over time I've learned that our perception of masculinity is often flawed. All too often we focus on physical characteristics and pay little attention to the deeper, unseen levels of masculinity. So, the sensitivity and gentleness I once hated and regarded as weak is now one of my greatest strengths and I've been able to use it to my own and others advantage and I'm rather proud of that. I may not be a big blokey man, but I am a gentle-man and I know how much that's valued. The other thing that has stayed with me is that capacity to survive and endure - I think it's an admirable characteristic of so many people in the LGBT community. Despite the knocks, derision, abuse and downright hateful attitudes, we stand tall, come out and refuse to waver. For me that's what pride is all about. I'm much more aware of my own measure of that inner steel and that's what I mean by unseen masculinity. As I read what I've just wrote, it seems rather boastful, but I'm not ashamed of that. It was a hard journey for me to get to a point where I'm able to appreciate myself and the things I once resented. I hope all of you can too.
Well, there you go; focus on the good times, not the bad ones, and remember that literally every cell of your body has been replaced since you were a skinny kid; you are not that same person you used to be either physically or mentally. That little easily embarrassed kid you used to be is now a self-confident man, who doesn't have to take any crap from anybody, mental or physical. IT WAS someone else who lived those years, someone you used to be, but are no longer now. Let seeing your strong muscular body be the best sweet revenge if you see any beer-belly fat adults who bullied you when you were a skinny kid and they were bigger. You get the last laugh, Mangotree; keep smiling. :icon_bigg
Much of my childhood feels like this. I thought it was weird that I seem to be the only one who doesn't remember significant portions of their childhood. Maybe I have the same issue, and my inability to cope with all of this has led me to subconciously cope by repressing everything.
Hi John, the book is called Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middleton-Moz Ive actually been listening to the audiobook, the narrator (Cat Gould) is one of the best I've listened to in a long time. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2014 at 09:20 AM ---------- It's funny you should say that... For some reason, some of the mental imagery that comes with the memories is that of a third person looking at the younger me. Or a fly on the wall so to speak. Sometimes not looking through my own eyes while "re-living" the experiences. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2014 at 09:27 AM ---------- Thanks very much for sharing Linco (as always). Doesn't sound boastful at all, don't worry. Actually, when I was telling a friend about these recent discoveries he said "To be honest. I am glad that you were brought up the way you were. It made you into the gentle man that you are." It's good to know that this happens to others too. ---------- Post added 30th Aug 2014 at 09:35 AM ---------- One would hope that they'll stay repressed until your mind CAN cope. Or if not - when you've got plenty of support and friends around you.
