Struggling with coming out at 45/religion

I get a little squeamish about the word "indoctrination", although I suppose it's not altogether inaccurate. I was raised Catholic, still am, and I understand some of what she is feeling. I was brought up with the belief that everyone got married and had kids--the only single adult that I was close to was an uncle who was a priest. Everyone else was married in their early 20's and immediately started families. Being gay wasn't thought of as "wrong"--it wasn't even an option because it didn't exist (for that matter, neither did being straight and single). I never thought of being gay as "sinning" but I wasn't comfortable with it either.

That's not to say that there aren't plenty of Catholics and people in other denominations who manage to ignore the programming and do come out before middle age. But in my case, and possibly your girlfriend, she had just enough insecurity and need to belong (that "fear of standing out") that she couldn't do it. I had same-sex attractions, but in the end, being gay would have taken me too far out of my comfort zone at the time--would have made me "stand out"--and I got married and had a couple of kids.

What she probably needs to escape far more than her religion is the notion that being a lesbian would somehow lay her bare for the world to see. Some of us go into the closet to be unobtrusive and unnoticed, and it takes a very major trigger to make us realize that isn't really the case. You may be that trigger for her....but be aware that you may also not be enough. My marriage has always been challenging and often unhappy, and in the end the pain of denying my orientation stopped being cancelled out by the security of that "normal", unobtrusive family life, and I came out. In her case, it's possible that her need for security and predictability may be too great for her to take that chance and change the comfort of her current life permanently--even for love.

The good thing is that she's in therapy and is trying to work it out. If you truly believe she is your other half and the feeling seems to be mutual, it can't hurt to give her some time to collect her thoughts and figure things out. How much time you give her really depends on how much time you want to invest in it. I wouldn't be completely invisible, though. Coming out during a marriage is a tough thing, and while pressure isn't going to help, it's also not going to be good for her to slink back into the bunker and forget you existed. One of my coming out triggers was a guy who most likely isn't even gay, but I saw him on a regular basis, found him attractive, and he was kind and friendly and "touchy-feely" towards me. That was enough to make me realize I was missing something I desperately needed, and I needed to do something about it. I'd step back, but not too far back, so you're still in her peripheral vision, so to speak, and see what happens. And then decide how long you want to give her. Good luck. I've been where she is and it's tough, but love can be a major motivator too.

 

Totally makes sense on "indoctrination", and in that respect extremely accurate. In my brain it's a more sinister and Orwellian thing, but that's really just me.

Probably the only thing you can really do in this position is be there so she can see you, but not pressure her. She's very likely putting herself under a huge amount of pressure already. A few months after I came out to my wife, I met someone who was in the same situation, but circumstances forced him out into the open and caused his life to change much faster than mine did. His very existence has made me pressure myself into action--without him doing anything but being supportive and loving. I pushed a lot of my own limits and forced myself much more out into the open as a result. He has never, ever pushed me in any way--I did it all myself, and it hasn't always been easy. I've been pretty hard on myself. It probably won't be for her either. In the end she has to do the heavy lifting herself, and first has to decide that she really, truly WANTS to. I hope she does. Love isn't something that anyone should have to pass up because of fear.

 

You can follow along and give them someone to lean on, absolutely! My guy and I have done a whole lot of that over the past months that we've been together. Absolutely be supportive and just THERE for her. In the end, the struggle is in her own mind and heart, and she has to decide where her priorities are. You can't really help her with that without her thinking she's being pressured one way or another. But just your presence may be exactly the support she needs. Hang in there! Amazing and wonderful things do happen.

 

I wholeheartedly agree. I volunteer for a hotline and my most successful calls are those where I say very little, I give no advice, I just actively listen, just being there uninterrupted for the duration of the call. Most callers end the call with gratitude, they often say they feel better for having had someone to talk to.

Just being there just for her and understanding what she is going through will mean more to her than you can know.

 

I have to say that I'm amused at the notion that the Catholic Church isn't involved in the business of indoctrination. Of course they are, and they even call what they teach "catholic doctrine".

As to whether or not that's sinister or Orwellian, I guess your mileage may vary. But the wealthy and powerful adopt organized religions as a means of controlling the peasantry, and even a simplistic look at Roman and European history will highlight the church's role in this task.

Not to single out that church specifically, cause in other places and other times different religions were used for similar tasks. But I don't see how you can't call it indoctrination and a tool for social control.

 

tjhief I would agree with your last post "I guess I'll just stick to what I decided. Support her in whatever she needs to do." I do understand the struggles she is having as I've been there and in some ways am still there. It's a very hard thing to separate your personal spirituality from "religion".

Please let me share some background that might give you some insight into what she may be dealing with. For me that small voice saying sinner became a roar at times. I tried to break free only to come back to the "straight life" again and again. But unlike your and Choirboy's situation I've never had someone waiting for me.

It may be that she has one overarching fear… that of losing her children. I’m not trying to be a downer but rather see it as a possible glimpse into her struggle that might help you to better understand and support her. I don’t know if this is a subject you can broach with her or not, but fears like this weigh heavy into decision making.

Take heart though as “hope springs eternal”, it really does.

 

I am so sorry, I misunderstood. :icon_redf

 

What I mean is that no matter what the age of your child, you still desire their approval and relationship. And some fear that coming out will end or change that relationship for ever for the worst.