Midlife crisis or end of denial? (sorry, really long :-))

So, I've figured out that I'm definitely genderqueer. I'm not even confused by this, tbh, it's just that I never really put a label on it until now. I don't like dressing or acting feminine, and in fact feel uncomfortable doing so, especially "emphasizing" my "assets". The thought of fulfilling a traditional female role in a relationship is abhorrent to me, as is the whole "game" theory of dating.

I don't dislike men at all. In fact, I've always felt more comfortable around men than I do around women. I have less trouble initiating activites with my male friends, can talk to them more freely, and my friendships with men have always lasted longer. I have no problem touching or hugging my male friends, but feel uncomfortable doing so with female friends. I enjoy hanging out with guys so much that I've actually dated some of them just to be able to hang out with their friends more often without the whole male/female dynamic.

I've had several romantic crushes on men, sometimes quite intense and devasting physically as well as emotionally. I have never had sex with a crush -- it wasn't even something that I usually thought about. The thing is ... I have rarely really enjoyed sex. I can count on one hand the number of times I've felt a spark with someone, although it has happened -- with not overly masculine men who don't mind being passive. I have no problems with manly parts, I neither dislike them nor love them.

I was molested as a child, and I always assumed that my problems with sex stemmed from that, even though I have no problems with men otherwise ... but lately, I've been starting to wonder.

I used to think about touching other girls pre-puberty, enjoyed looking at Playboy, and have always had the odd fantasy involving women's bodies when I allow myself to think about it. Many of my female friendships died off when they found boyfriends. It would often make me feel out of sorts to see them with a man, especially my closest friends, and I've always assumed I was just jealous because I was still single ... but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I wanted to be with them instead, and felt bad because I wasn't a man?

I have never had an emotional crush on or fallen in love with another woman since childhood, but I wonder if I've just been avoiding women and situations that could trigger one. I've always felt uncomfortable around lesbians, no matter how nice they were, and although I've been trying to allow myself to imagine being with a woman romantically I find it very difficult and uncomfortable to do so.

Thanks to those of you who managed to get through this novel ... I'm mostly just venting although input/thoughts would be appreciated I'm at midlife crisis age, so I'm not too sure if I'm just reading more into things tha nnecessary, or if I've really been so far in denial that I've suppressed anything that might confirm that I'm a lesbian.

 

Thanks shy, I figured my post was too long (I hate to admit that it's the shortened version ) so thanks for wading through!

The area I grew up in was not particularly homophobic, nor were my parents. However, my peers found it abnormal, and I was shy and awkward and wanted nothing more than to feel like I was like everyone else. There were suggestions that victims of abuse ofen became lesbians (as if it were a mental health issue), so I didn't want to conform to that expectation.

I was with some friends today, and I realised again that I don't just feel uncomfortable and reserved around lesbians, but around women in general, even ones I consider friends. I don't know if it's because I identify more with men, or if it's because I'm attracted to women and therefore subconsciously stop myself from getting close to one. By the same token, I wonder if my crushes on men were because I was attracted to them, or because I wanted to be like them. Then there's this part of me that wonders if I'm seeing things that are not there because of some kind of midlife crisis. It's all so confusing.

There actually is a trigger, but it's unusual enough that I feel uncomfortable writing about it in a public forum in case someone recognises themselves. It's not a crush, though.

 

Neither did I, before I started coming here and it was like a revelation. I know labels are just labels, but I wonder if they might have made it easier for me as a teen if I had known that my difference had a name, and that there were others like me.

Back then nobody even talked about transgender issues so I never really knew why it was that I felt so different and was so ashamed of my body, even the times when I wasn't overweight. I hated summers because of the light clothing, and in fact used to wear a (boys) jacket every day to school, even when it was hot outside, to hide behind. Adults were constantly trying to get me to take it off. Nobody ever said anything about body dysphoria or being trans or anything like that. I never really wanted to be one of the boys, and I'm not into things that are too masculine so I don't consider myself a true transman, either. So, I'll go with genderqueer, because I'm sort of inbetween.

My husband is rather feminine and actually likes being treated like a woman in the bedroom so things aren't too bad, there. I do wonder if I might have had more fulfulling relationships if I had known when I was younger, but I don't really want to start over right now. I still love my husband even if it's more of a storgic love, and I'm not really unhappy in my marriage other than the usual annoyances that crop up after many years of living together.

 

Thanks for all the replies ... I actually had an epiphany today.

I was going through some memories of one my female friends today ... she used to give me odd signals sometimes, and every time she did I'd freeze up. We used to do sleepovers, and sleep in the same bed. Once she told me she slept commando down below to air out (I never looked at her when we changed for bed, probably because I was afraid of seeing something I liked), and after that I would lie next to her completely rigid, afraid to move. Now I realise that I felt an attraction to her, but was afraid I'd act on it if I didn't keep a tight lid on myself. It frightened me so much that I built a wall around it.

So I guess it's not a crisis, and it's not a phase. I'm definitely attracted to some women .. and some guys, too.