Hi there. Total newbie here and rather nervous about posting even in total anonymity. I'm a male in my early 40s, married (to a woman) and we have a 5 year old daughter together. I've always considered myself straight(ish) even though there have been a couple of guys earlier in my life (both straight) whom I found myself quite attracted to emotionally (in more than a platonic way.) Last year we moved to a new city and I arrived a few weeks earlier than my wife and child. At the time I didn't have a job but found myself inexplicably drawn to a position working for an organization promoting LGBT rights which I took. I told myself at the time that I took this job because I believed in the cause (which I do) but the reality is that I wanted to be around gay men as I was starting to question my sexual orientation (for reasons I won't expand on right now.) Within a couple of days I found I had developed a huge crush on one of my male co-workers. It took me totally by surprise and I started to feel very confused... as you can imagine. I didn't say anything to the guy in question but found myself more and more just wanting to be around him and fantasized about getting intimate with him. Anyway... almost a year later I'm still unable to get this guy out of my head. It's driving me nuts! We don't work together any more and I haven't seen him in a couple of months. Two nights ago I had a pretty erotic dream about him and woke up sweating. Ha ha ha!! The whole thing has got me pretty shaken up. I'm not desperately unhappy in my life and would never act on my feelings because I genuinely love my daughter and care deeply for my wife's feelings. Dunno really what I'm trying to say here except... help!
Welcome to EC! Questioning is good. Have you thought about therapy to explore these feelings? It may help. It sounds like a nice dream lol
Hi Brian, this is my first post here. I've decided to write an answer as I saw nobody has answered you yet. But you know what? I think this dilemma is so common among us and has been discussed so many times that people don't have much more to add! Go and have a look at other topic, you will see hundreds of threads! I have been there too, i.e. have fallen in love with somebody that I shouldn't and have questioned my orientation. Eventually, for some reasons I decided to label myself as lesbian, but it really didn't help that much to make life easier for me. When love is problematic, it goes its way and it does not care what is your sexual orientation. You could have felt for another woman the same way, and it could have been confusing too. Anyway, I unfortunately don't have any professional advice for you, but there is one lesson I've learned from my own dilemma that I can share. More that trying to figure your sexual orientation, try to reduce from the intensity of the situation for the time being. Your emotions are intense now, but they won’t be forever. Distract your mind as much as you can. If you can, distance yourself from him a bit. I am not saying stop being attracted to him. No, it is not your choice, I understand that very well. It is just to see if this is really a short-term crush, or an inevitable love. I think it is not time for you to decide what to do with your feelings. You can just observe how they will turn. Don't suppress them, but do not amplify them either. You cannot control the situation, however, I suppose you can moderate it until you reach a point that you can make a rational decision.
Questioning is a good thing. And a hard thing. Often we already know the answers, but have chosen to ignore them, sometimes for decades, and we've had our own very personal reasons for making them. I had feelings for guys but eventually chose to get married and raise a family before things resurfaced to the point where I couldn't ignore or bury them anymore. By all means, take the time to think, to consider, seek therapy if that works for you, and most important, don't judge yourself for feeling this way. EC is full of stories of people just like you, who have started questioning themselves, and sometimes have made huge changes in their lives as a result (count me in that camp). We're here to listen to you, and by all means, read through the Later in Life section in particular, because it's filled with people and stories you will certainly be able to relate to. Keep talking to us!
Thanks so much for your helpful responses. Very much appreciated. I think really my worry is more related to the fact that my marriage does not fully satisfy me than anything she. Sexual orientation really doesn't matter to me. Funnily enough the first time I even identified myself as "straight" was when I was talking to gay co-workers and I realized that I don't feel comfortable with that label... or any label to be honest. It kind of saddens me that we feel such a need to label ourselves as one thing or another. We're all individuals with unique DNA so why do we feel a need to identify as anything other than unique... ? Thanks again for your help.
