For both us and family reasons my wife and I spent a lot of time together this weekend. Had a fun dinner, then she helped me go shopping for furniture Saturday, a family birthday on Sunday and I went to support her at her run today. The family birthday was also very emotional due to a couple of things, including me needing to spend some time at our old house before and it looks like the cancer has returned to one of our dogs. I'm such an emotional wreck. I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing, except I think I am but I care about her so much. I think we need to limit some of the time together cause this was tough. So confused today. :help:
Ok, maybe just getting that out helped cause I feel considerably calmer right now. ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 06:12 PM ---------- I do still feel walrusy though. At least that's a constant throughout my life. :lol: ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 06:36 PM ---------- Oh and also my sister told me something her therapist told her. HALT. Feeling anxious? Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? I'm 3 of 4. Going to go take care of at least H then see about T
Hi, while I agree that it could be too much to spend time with her like that, emotionally speaking, I do hope you can also tell her, what you just told us. I found that so moving ("I have no idea if I'm doing the right thing, except I think I am but I care about her so much. I think we need to limit some of the time together cause this was tough.") If she already knows, then good, just thought that I'd mention how that hit me in the heart, to read. Good that you still have a friendship with her, although conversely, I can also see how that would also make it hard to let go and move on...it sounds like a difficult balancing act to manage. Please forgive my faulty memory if you have already told me (I'm still unable to sleep properly), but you do have a proper counsellor to talk to about all of this, yes? I saw an lgbt-specific counsellor recently, and will do so again this week, and it's already make a difference to me. I've still got some denial to work though, and some shame comes up sometimes, but I feel as though I've got an ally irl now, ie someone I can actually talk to face-to-face. It helps. (The fact that he happens to be really cute is a bit of a distraction, though...but of course there are always boundaries in place in such therapeutic relationships, for the protection of the client, but still...*far out*. )
She and actually both discussed the time spent together today, and I think we are on the same page. I think I've actually got a handle on a lot of that stuff above, but I slept terribly last few nights and then I spent too much time tired and alone today in a place that doesn't quite feel like home yet. And after the last few days, I just needed to holler about it. I do have a therapist and she's been very helpful. I'll see her again tomorrow.
Heh.. I was playing around with the site options. Off to the left it lists my mood as "walrusy". Seemed like a nice silly option. Kinda fit. ---------- Post added 1st Sep 2014 at 11:58 PM ---------- Real truth: I promise I don't have tusks. But no hate to my walrus sisters and brothers. Not sure what I'd do if I woke up walrus.
Hi, You are not insane. Moving beyond and rejecting what an insane society has drilled into you for a lifetime is not easy. This nonsense clearing can create a void in your life. The trick is to fill the void with pride, love and acceptance beyond the crippled limits society sets. So keep in mind you are moving into a new reality, one where the inhumanity of society fails. All that crap, a lifetime of societal programming needs to be jettisoned. And if not jettisoned examined to see if it is truly good for you and others. You will question all things and that is a good sign you are on the right path. Tom
CF I really don't have any words of advice as I haven't moved out yet. Just wanted you to know that if you're insane, then I'm bat shit crazy LOL. I believe in you. Take care.
Thanks all. Just had another chat with my wife about how hard this is right now for both of us. We've both had a hole blasted into our lives that we didn't expect to be there. And then to spend so much time together this weekend, on top of the stress, that even the fun was a reminder of the loss we are both taking on. This is happening to both of us and it's not great, even though it's the right thing to do. Just cause it's the right thing to do doesn't make the heart break any less.
Ok, had a very good therapy session. She reinforced a lot of what I was thinking about the amount of time we spent together this weekend, and how we both need to let some of that go for our own sakes. To let that scab over and heal. How it will feel so easy to just drift back into old patterns that will not be healthy for us. Not easy but needed. She also mentioned that, especially now that I'm single, even if it's not social that I need to put things on my calendar for fun. As part of a couple, some of that just comes to you and I'm not used to having to go find it. I guess I have it on my calendar to do that, since my life has had a bunch of stuff put in it right now.
I'm realizing that I still have been thinking about "us". That's going to be a tough thing for me to work through (her too...lol, it's still in my head). My therapist was mentioning that to me this week, as this weekend left me so distraught. I guess I'm having a hard time letting go, and that means I'm just thinking of the good times. And the good times are what I'd like to keep going with her. I'm not even sure if that's possible. And I feel like I'm downplaying the negative parts because they weren't like big blowout fights or anything. But that's cause in large part we were just so accepting of so much from each other that we just took on stuff for each other. In some ways, we were there to provide each other space to be sad and that's at least some of our problems. It just sucks to confront having to stop being with someone who you love, no matter the reasons. And really, I have no idea if we can transition this to a friendship that works. I think we can but I'm also worried about staying stuck in something just cause it's easy and parts feel good. I guess I hadn't realized *just* how emotionally intertwined we'd become and how that was hurting us.
Have you actually *officially* parted as yet? Forgive my memory, I do not recall... I just thought, you could see a counsellor together as well, not to necessarily stay together - no, I'm not implying that - just that, well I sense that she is a true friend to you, and so maybe there is still something to work out between each other, even if that is just how to transition to purely friendship...but gosh it does sound difficult, I can only empathize and wish you the best... (*hug*) I feel moved every time you relate this. I was never with a woman who was as supportive and accepting as your wife / ex-wife sounds.
I've moved out to an apartment, it's been just over 3 weeks, so that's all really new. With some added stress during that time too, which hasn't helped. We still leaned on each other during this time, and maybe too hard. We are still in the process of getting divorced. This is all only since May. We did have an appointment with the therapist she was seeing very early on in the process about how to proceed like this. She didn't feel like her therapist was very good, so stopped seeing her. I've let her know that if she ever wants we can either go to the therapist I'm seeing or go see another one. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, we've bumped across these feelings before along the way. We've always been able to talk about it, air our feelings a little, give some space and then reconnect positively. So, maybe that will be able to continue. I have a hard time imagining a life that didn't have her in it in at least some capacity, but I want it to be a positive relationship for us both. ---------- Post added 4th Sep 2014 at 05:43 PM ---------- I have not as yet. I'm starting to actively look and have been open to the possibilit for a little while here. Talking to more people generally relearning how to be social in some new environments, that sort of thing. Once I fully mentally opened myself up to the idea, the attractions became incredibly intense. I feel like I never even knew the meaning of sexual attraction before. I'd has quite a lot of somewhat non specific thoughts before, or sorta "unwanted" sudden fantasies when I was with a guy friend. Which I'd always tamped down on immediately. This time I did not, I actually said to myself "huh, that's interesting" and here we are.
