Married but gay

Probably best you do it now I wish I did it at your age, follow your heart love who you want to love

 

Do you live in a state where she could actually do that? Honestly If you guys get a divorce there are rules about visitation and in most cases having a homosexual relationship isn't a reason someone can withhold visitation. I'm sure there are states where that can happen, but you might want to talk to a lawyer if your wife is already threatening you. I'm almost 30. Don't wait, life just gets more and more complicated. You can do it. Maybe see if there's a relative or close friend you could jet to if coming out officially to your wife causes a scene and you need a temporary getaway while everyone cools down. Honestly, though she can't keep your child from you if the judge rules in favor split custody... even if she gets residential.

 

Say,

I'm gay

Sorry I mislead you but thought it best to speak now before we had kids

 

Generally speaking, it will not be her choice whether you can see your child or not; the court of jurisdiction will decide that. It sounds like you will need a lawyer pretty soon; hire the best one in town if you do, so she can't hire that one.

 

There are many instances on here where it went well and where it didnt go well.

For me it didnt go very well and frankly still isnt.

Each case is different depending on the people involved.

Good luck

 

Hey What2do, welcome to EC,

You're so young, yet you have two children!

Those of us here at EC who married and had kids never wanted to hurt our spouses or anyone, ever! That's not how we saw ourselves. Who wants to be the one to hurt someone so deeply, especially the mother of your children?

What you feel for her, you call love, but you know that it is closer to the truth that the love you could feel for a man is so much greater, it is closer to the truth because of who you are. Many of us who came out later in life, after marriages and kids, were eager to please, eager to fit in and just be normal. Well that is not who we are. That is not who you are...

What are you prepared to do for your own integrity? What are you willing to sacrifice for the freedom to live as you are? What are you capable of enduring to get through this?

I and others here have gone through to the other side of this very struggle. I can tell you that each one of us has had to draw on reserves of strength we never thought we had. You need to decide whether your own happiness, and ultimately hers and your children's happiness, are worth enduring the anger and the guilt that are largely unavoidable, but temporary.

The only way to tell her with the minimum of distress is to be totally honest and blunt. This will require you to be vulnerable, something which people in the closet are most likely to fear. Tell her in the first sentence, no preambles (it will just prolong the agony). As others have stated above, she has no legal right to limit your ability to see your kids. There will be anger, no doubt, and this is precisely the moment where you will be most vulnerable; because this is where you may change your mind. But this is precisely where you need to stand your ground...for the sake of your future happiness. Is that not worth the struggle?

At your age, life is still a long time...respect your future self, respect who you are and defend your right to be who you are. We're here to support you through this. Respect your fears, but set them aside for the great and noble task that is being asked of you: to live with integrity.

 

Yes! You hit every point very accurately. I was nodding my head the entire time I was reading this :eusa_clap. What2do, you need to do what's best for you, and as others have mentioned, it's not up to her whether or not you can see your daughter. Be true to yourself, and become the person you were meant to be. You won't be able to continue to live a lie, regardless of how much you want it or how hard you try. As greatwhale stated, the feelings you have for her is nothing compared to what you will be able to experience with a man. That's how it is for me, except with women. Be strong and don't let her manipulate you with your daughter or try to make you feel guilty. This is who you are and there is nothing to feel guilty about. You will find a strength you didn't know you had, as all of us who have come out found, and those who haven't will one day find. Stand tall and be proud, and good luck.

 

Interesting thread and comments given my situation, thanks!!

 

Ultimately this is about everyone's happiness. It will do nobody any good if you try to force yourself to maintain a facade. You deserve love, but so does she (I'm sure you still love and care for her on some level, but not as you should). If you stay in an unhappy marriage it's also likely to affect your kids on some level - hard as you might try to avoid that. Kids are more perceptive than we imagine!

It's not easy, but better to do it sooner rather than later. Dragging it out will not help. Remember, we are here for you.

 

It sounds to me like you should be thinking about getting a divorce before engaging in a war with her about your sexuality. You do not have to officially "come out" to her before finalizing a divorce, and your divorce will go better if you do not throw in the complications of having an affair with a man as part of the discussion, so keep it zipped up until the smoke has cleared on your marriage.

 

Gosh, so well said greatwhale!