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Homophobic friends

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pete1970, Sep 7, 2014.

  1. Pete1970

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    Last night some people got together for a little party. I know some of them were homophobes but it just got out of hand.

    I am not out to anyone at work partially due to their homophobia.

    So at the party, the husband of one of my coworkers starts talking about how he saw 2 gay guys at a restaurant and that it pissed him off and ruined his whole day. He said he didnt understand how a guy would want to be with another guy when there are so many beautiful women out there. Everyone else there was laughing and agreeing with them.

    After a few minutes, i just got up and went inside pretending i had to go to the bathroom. Then left pretty quickly after that saying i was tired.

    I know i should of spoken up but it was an all against one type of thing and, now especially, i cant come out to these people.

    Its just really depressing because as i have said before i dont really have many friends and i work like 60 hours a week with these people. The only supportive people i know are from a support group and hiking group that i go to but that is only once a month or so. and here of course.

    I just feel alone in this right now.
     
  2. what2do

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    Well if you do come out to them and are nasty to you at work that is harrassment and/or discrimination.
     
  3. CyclingFan

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    It's not just that easy. Sure, it's those things, but that's a tough battle to fight, tougher than you'd think it would be based on the law. This is especially true if this us part of the entrenched culture of the place, as I suspect it is in this case.
     
  4. allnewtome

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    It's an awkward situation and I wouldn't feel bad for not saying anything and leaving. I'm sure others will disagree but you know those people and sometimes silence is the most mature response particularly if you know these people aren't the type to 'drop it' and any comment would lead to an escalation.

    I've found myself in similar situations and my usual response is 'I didn't realize that there were straight guys that spend so much time and focus on what two gay guys do together" which generally causes laughter at the persons expense and shifts the conversation or I go to the point that there are guys I know such as a brother who seem.to date women that I can't for the life of my see any physical appeal to but you know what I don't think about it/ don't imagine there sex life at all because that's just weird.

    As I've aged I find myself being more willing to comment on things that bother me whether it's homophobic comments, racist comments, or just plain rudeness but generally that's in a social setting in a setting with coworkers I've found at sometimes silence is the best choice.
     
  5. OGS

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    I have to say that I encountered a lot of these sort of comments--until I came out. And, in all honesty, I encounter almost none of them now--people will even say something borderline, catch themselves and apologize. A lot of people are very casually and passively homophobic--they really don't intend to hurt people. It doesn't mean they don't and they certainly need to give more thought to how the comments they make may hurt the people around them, but in my experience nothing makes them actually think about that like a gay person in their midst--especially one they like.
     
  6. KyleD

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    Bingo!:eusa_clap
     
  7. offmychest

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    i would suggest that you stop spending your personal time with them. just say you are busy with the family. you can't avoid them at work but you do not have to subject yourself to their homophobia comments. what i have learned about homophobes or bigots or whatever, is that they always talk about people they do not "think" are in the room. For instance, if you're black, people want make black jokes likely in front of you, they'll target some "other group" and the second you're gone, the black jokes start up. same thing with gay jokes and other racial/sexist/homophobic comments. when i find out people are like that, i just distance myself from them. you didn't do anything wrong for not "defending" because you're just trying to protect yourself and you're not in a position to come out yet and especially not to these idiots. just leave them alone. they suck.

    ---------- Post added 7th Sep 2014 at 11:59 AM ----------

    i think that is a nice comment but in reality the people are going to instantly think you are gay for saying that and then if they are immature you will have to deal with their homophobic jokes and comments against you. if you are in a comfortable place to deal with that, great but many people are not quite yet. i would recommend just distancing yourself from those people and not giving them any energy. you will not change their minds, so what's the point.
     
  8. allnewtome

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    I guess that would depend on where you are and the people you're with. I've never had anyone turn around and assume I'm gay for a comment like that nor have I had anyone assume I'm black/Muslim/ a woman etc when I've made a similar comment to call out there ignorance lol.
     
  9. discalcedtierce

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    It is hard to do so, even with acquaintances. I have been subject to some terrible homophobic comments by people I've gone to church with, and I wasn't ready (and still not in most cases) to out myself, so I just stood there, dumbfounded, until I found an opening to change the subject. I also felt cowardly and like I let others down by not standing up for myself and them.

    I don't know what to tell you, except I've been there and it sucks. I'm just glad there are others around me that don't really care about my sexuality... they still see me as a human being for whom they have respect, regardless of who I love. I hope you have others in your life like that, too.
     
  10. skiff

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    Hi,

    The best analogy to that is food...

    When somebody makes an ignorant statement like that simply ask "Tell me a food you dislike?" When they answer simply say; "Billions of f people enjoy that food, why don't you?". A intelligent conversation should follow.

    If that does not open their mind they are beyond ignorant either choosing societal dogma (lazy psychological heuristics) or stupidity.

    Who needs those folks anyway?

    Tom
     
  11. oscarneedslove

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    I was in a similar situation and it happened in many different places too. I really understand how you feel. I even cried just after that happened.
    I don't think the laws or code of conduct at the work place really protect us. Discrimination laws work only when everything is very obvious. I wouldn't let them know you're gay. That might affect your professional life too. Fighting is not so easy so I would suggest you to try to avoid spending time with them after work.
     
  12. Really

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    "I saw 2 gay guys at a restaurant and it pissed me off and ruined my whole day."

    Ask him to say it again, replacing "gay" with something he is and see how it sounds.

    "I saw 2 bald guys at a restaurant and it pissed me off and ruined my whole day."
    (Feel free to pick a more shocking example, I'm trying to offend the least number of people.)

    Sounds idiotic, right?
     
  13. offmychest

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    totally agree with this. discrimination is very hard to prove and now people can get away with things by playing "ignorant". it's almost like proving date rape, its very hard to do. the burden of proof and documentation is on you and people can get away with stuff by saying "i didnt know i was saying anything offensive..." "we were hanging out after work so i have a right to say whatever i want in the privacy of my own home/bar/restaurant, etc." "well he never said anything to stop it and he actually joined in the conversation or laughed when we laughed." "he never said he was offended" the list goes on. do NOT tell them you're gay. leave them alone and say your'e busy when they want to hang out. do not eat lunch with them either. be cordial but busy or make up other excuses until you can find a more diverse welcoming environment. when you interview ask about diversity in the company and various "affinity" groups they may have. the sad reality is that people like to talk about things that they know very well are racist or sexist or gayist. and they will continue to do it no matter what the rules say.
     
  14. skiff

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    "I saw 2 naked, bearded, bald Martians at a restaurant and it pissed me off and ruined my whole day, cause they got better service"

    :slight_smile: