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So sad

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by paris, Sep 8, 2014.

  1. paris

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    I don't know if it's an update, rambling, or whatever, I just find it hard to cope right now and need to get it out of my system, I think, so please bear with me. Thanks. (*hug*)
    It's been 3 weeks since I told my boyfriend that I want to be with a woman. He took it rather okay, he was even glad I'm not seeing someone else like he suspected. He wanted to believe I'm more bisexual than gay and even after everything I told him he believed we can find a way and stay together. I was skeptic about it but decided to let things settle down a little first, also because telling him was hard for me, I was sleep deprived and felt both physically and mentally exhausted.
    A few days later we spent a night in a hotel together. I cried after sex with him while he was holding me. I cried and couldn't stop. I cried because I knew how it's all gonna end and how it'll hurt him.
    The last week he told me he goes to a business trip and there's a chance for me to come along and spend two nights away together. I felt like I'd like to go but really didn't give it so much thought.
    On Saturday I went to a family constellation session again and set up a constellation to "see" the relationship. It was very helpful and among others it confirmed I'm gay.
    Today he texted me, wanted to know if I go with him or not, and I totally freaked out. The idea of having sex with him made me panic and for a while I felt like I cannot breathe. In the end I sent back that I don't want to go and that it made me anxious. He answered he was sad and have no idea what will be with us. :icon_sad:
    I can't help it but I'm feeling so sad right now. I know I have to leave him but in the same time I don't want to lose him. I wish he could stay as a friend but when I came out to him he told me he wouldn't be able to be around me if we separate. :tears:
    I really should be revising for my test by I cannot concentrate at all. Ugh.
     
  2. FindingLouie

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    I'm sorry you are so sad. Hang in there. You can't do anything but be honest and put one foot in front of the other. Anything other than that is unkind to yourself and also to your boyfriend. You aren't doing him any favors by not being truthful and authentic.

    Still...I'm so sorry it's so bloody hard. It will get better. And hopefully you will be friends again someday. I hope the same for myself with my husband of 23 years.

    Everyday as you embrace yourself and truth, you will gain the strength to take this journey.
     
  3. LuvMyIB

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    You have to stay strong for you.... Your post takes me back to my years in college. I to was in your position. It is hard. You have a difficult challenge ahead of you. It is NOT easy to let go. Honestly, you must! For your own sake. In your heart you know that you are attracted to the same sex. You must seek that road for YOU! As you said you have anxiety thinking about the thought of sex with him... You should not be sick over something that is so special in ones life. I remember making so many excuses to get out of having sex with my high school sweetheart (male) because I felt miserable after the fact. It isn't/wasn't worth it.

    You will hurt him emotionally but you have to do what is right for you. And having sex with him then crying for hours after it is not emotionally good for you. Again do the right thing for you. You have too. For me, it has been 20 years since the day I told my hs sweetheart that I was a lesbian, he still to this day up until THIS year has not spoken to me. For the first time in 20 years I heard from him on my birthday. This guy was NOT only my high school sweetheart but my very best friend. He couldn't forgive me for what I had done to him (leaving him for a female) but finally has accepted me for me. I couldn't stop his pain but I couldn't stop facing who I was. I am a proud lesbian that has been in a very committed relationship for 17 years now. I am not with my first girlfriend whom I left him for but have found my true soulmate. Everything and every emotion that I went through to get here far out ways the emotions that I had when I told him I was leaving him.

    I was true to myself back then and you should be true to yourself. It isn't easy but the outcome will be rewarding. I can't speak for my ex boyfriend but I know in my heart he hurts because I was his first love. It's been a longggggg 20 years for me. Did I miss him all these years? Yes! But I am in a better place now than ever before.

    Follow your heart, follow your soul it will bring you peace when you find the "right" one (soulmate). Be true to you!! Good luck and know that you are not alone in this endeavor.
     
  4. paris

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    Thank you both. The other day he told me in email that he wants to see me happy and smiling again even though I would smile at someone else instead of him, or that he doesn't want to be loved out of pity or for other wrong reasons, but yesterday we talked again and after everything he said I felt so guilty and selfish again. If we weren't at a restaurant I'd honestly start crying. It's so tough. We decided on no sex policy for now because I really couldn't do it in current state of things.
    And LuvMyIB, I believed he's my soulmate. :icon_sad:
     
  5. paris

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    I just realized I'm probably still in the bargaining stage. I know that I'm attracted to the same sex, there's no doubt about that, but I keep trying to bend it and looking for "what if I..." I don't know but it feels like if I accepted myself fully I'd need to leave him and I'm not ready to do so yet. The one reason why I can't sleep with him, except the big amount of guilt, is that it reminds me how much I want to be with a woman instead and that he's not.
     
  6. thekillingmoon

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    It's understandable that you don't want him to be gone out of your life completely. When you've been with someone for a long time you grow emotionally attached to them. But you also can't hang on to a relationship that isn't working anymore. It's not good for you and it's not fair to him either.