Help! Advice please!

I can very much relate to suppressing feelings because of religious beliefs and upbringing. It has definitely been the largest obstacle for me. These are the questions i asked myself and perhaps you need to do the same.

Coming purely from a religious point if view first you question if you have cheated yet you know in your heart you have. Going by the bible even thoughts are cheating. You are living a lie and what i had to ask myself was what sin is worse? Personally even if homosexuality were a sin which i now disbelieve greatly i think hurting others is worse. We are trying to do the right thing but is it?

Secondly i had to realise the bible and religion was written by men and for specific reasons.

Discontinuing and confessing may help short term but is it really a solution?


If there is a God we are his creation as are people of different colour etc it is no mistake and it is not the work of satan.

 

this may not be what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear.

first off, you're in a relationship with someone else right now. so whether this was a hot guy at the gym or a female administrative assistant at work, you kissed someone that wasn't your wife. so you can do the following:

a. tell her that you kissed someone else and disclose it was a man a the gym when she was out of town. your marriage will be on the coals and headed towards divorce and maybe a possible forgiveness if she had a heart. sadly after 26 years, what is she going to do, so i'm sure she'll lick her wounds and come back to you if you make it seem like it was a fleeting thing that "just happened" and that you wanted to be upfront about it but it wouldnt' happen again.

b. if you know it's not going to happen again, then cut the ties with the guy. find a new gym. dont mention anything to your wife and move on and suppress your gayness for life. i doubt seriously you will do this though. now that you have had the male on male kiss, your gay embers are burning and you'll eventually find another gym or some other guy to hook up with and this cycle will happen again.

c. tell your wife you kissed the guy. tell her you're bisexual and tell her that you want a divorce or legal separation. then explore your gayness and see how that works for you. just know that fantasy is never reality and be prepared for rude awakening...you won't be in Kansas anymore Dorothy, you'll be in Gay Oz and let me tell you, it aint a skip down the yellow gay road as it may appear.

i always suggest that if you're happy and in a functioning straight relationship that has been successful, why waste it on some gay fantasy that may or may not ever be a reality. whether your'e gay or straight, you're a man and men see people all the time when they are in a relationship that they want to have extramarital affairs with. some act on it, others dont. other do and dont tell wife. sure you have gay feelings. welcome to the club. but on a larger scale you have a crush on someone and you're married. it would be the same thing if you were fully straight. if your wife makes you happy then stick with it. if you're miserable and crying your eyes out night and day and in a depression zone for the past 26 years, then find something else that may make you feel better and seek counseling before you make any rash moves.

whatever you decide, distance yourself from the gym guy. he knows you're married and this is just a game for him likely (turning a straight virgin gay). and he definitely knew you were gay or into him and this whole "come to my house for dinner bit" was part of the ploy. trust me, he has more in store for you which involves ultimately having sex with you and once he's through with you, you'll be another notch on this gym back brace belt and you'll be left picking up the pieces. then you won't have to worry about distancing yourself from him because he will not talk to you anymore and ignore you and you'll have the guilt and noone to talk to about it. you're his gay gym prey and you need to just leave him alone.

 

No one here can tell you what moral choice to make, because it depends on your own values, not those of others.

So...what is the "right" thing to do? We generally affirm here that integrity is a value, that living true to oneself is an important part of being a whole human being. However, a 26-year marriage is something important and valuable too. One cannot easily dismiss such a long marriage, the consequences of a split are unpredictable but predictably painful.

My main point for you, is that there are no easy answers. No one here can tell you what the right course of action is...only you know all the circumstances and the possible consequences of following your heart vs. following your head.

Make no mistake though, what you feel for him will not go away, and, as is well-known, whatever gets repressed will come out sideways, one way or the other, usually in ways that are less than optimal. You're riding a wild horse, and it is probably all you can do to stay in the saddle.

Your interaction with him has opened the floodgates, and no amount of bailing will put the water back in. What are you prepared to do? What are you willing to suffer for being true to yourself?

 

I have no useful advice for you but can offer some empathy. I am also questioning my sexuality in the context of a loving and committed marriage. I've been with my wife for 4 years, married just over 1 -- hard to imagine how difficult it would be at 26 years.

One thing you didn't talk about in your post is your relationship with your wife. Are you happy? Is there sex? Do you have kids?

 

Pursuing a relationship of any type with this man is probably not a great idea at this time. I think that greatwhale gave very good advice. Only you will know what the next step is. If you think it's time to pursue your attractions to men, then deal with your home life first before going down that path. It will demonstrate integrity and respect not only for your wife but also yourself. Change is never easy, and knowing that you could deeply hurt someone you love makes it a much more difficult decision, but it sounds like you have come to a crossroads in your life, and you need to consider where you will go next.

 

Welcome to EC sdsfguy. Sorry to say it again, but there are no easy answers. I'm coming up on a year since telling my wife I'm gay after a 16 year marriage. Coming out isn't easy for anyone, but it's even harder when there's a wife and kids and a universe of people who have known you as straight for decades.

I guess the most helpful thing I can tell you is whether I regret my decision to come out to my wife. While this has been the most hellish 10 months of my life, I do not regret it. If I hadn't done it, there'd be no end to my life of quiet desperation, but now I have a chance of finding happiness.

I can also tell you I'm glad I was able to honestly tell my wife that I had never been unfaithful to her. Telling her I was gay was shocking enough. Something to keep in mind before you go any further with your friend.

Good luck and keep posting. You'll find a lot of support here and tons of stories from guys like us in the archives. You're not alone.

 

Hi sdsfguy

Welcome to EC, you have come to the best place to help you find your way through this unexpected twist in your life. One of the great things about EC is the variety of points of view that can help you try and put in place a plan for moving forward. You can use bits and pieces of other guy’s experiences in very similar situations to form a basis of your plan. I have lost track exactly of the number of older married guys on this site who have discovered or finally admitted they are gay but I think it’s easily more than 50.

To be honest with you most of the guys on EC end up separating from their wife and moving out of the family home, however a small number of us, myself included, chose to stay with our wives and try and work out a compromise solution. I will be blunt and say it’s not easy and may not work in the end; some would say we are in an extended state of denial. Those of us who try this route are generally in marriages that are over 20 years long. For someone in a shorter marriage before discovering they were gay I would be inclined to go the separation route but for those in a longer marriage perhaps a compromise is the least damaging, but not ideal, solution.

I have to agree with Greatwhale, the genie is out of the bottle and you will not be able to get it back in. It was great the read “I'm gay (wow, as I wrote that last sentence it gave me a sense of relief!)”. That’s such a positive and self-affirming statement and for you to write it so soon after joining this site suggests to me you have already put some thought into your situation and have perhaps already been through much of the “what am I” stage.

I’m not a religious person so can’t imagine the added struggle of years of anti-gay indoctrination will have on your coming decision process. As far as cheating on your wife goes you may get come comfort from this video that the sex columnist Dan Savage gave a presentation on Monogamy available on YouTube at the following address.

Festival of Dangerous Ideas 2013: Dan Savage - Savage Advice - YouTube

He makes the point several times in his videos that someone who only cheats a few times in a multi decade relationship is actually very good at being faithful since we as humans are basically programmed (presumably our creator) to have multiple partners for the sake of evolution and the survival of the species. He also makes a point 6 – 10 mins into the presentation about couples who have been in a multi-decade marriage shouldn’t necessarily breakup just because one partner needs something outside the primary relationship, have a listen it’s an interesting 1 hour talk. He also points out that sometimes when we make commitments to monogamy we don’t always know at the time that we can’t keep them, I take this to mean in my case that I didn’t know I was gay when I got married.

I have written several blogs about my experiences in understanding who I am and how I came out to my wife.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6683-blog-entry-1-discovering-i-gay-my-mid-40s.html

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/salegayguy/6730-blog-entry-2-coming-out-my-wife.html

Hope this has been helpful, stay with us and keep posting.

SGG

 

Are you attracted to women?

It seems you have some serious thinking to do, one thing that comes on here a lot, is the guilt associated to cheating. We already have the guilt of feeling attracted to men and keeping that info inside, do you want the added guilt of telling your wife you've cheated too?

You need to take a break, chill some what and talk to someone either on here or a councillor or someone to discover what you want.

It's hard, I know.

Big hugs

Richie

 

Hi sdsfguy

Since you mention that all your life you’ve been attracted to men I forgot to mention in Dr. Joe Kort’s book “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love”, if you have not read this book then you should it’s in kindle format, that some women subconsciously actually seek out gay men to marry for their own misguided reasons. They become complicit in their gay husbands psychological imprisonment and therefore if and when you come out to her you should know that the blame for this is not all on you, actually if anyone’s to blame it’s the hetro-normative society we live in..

I can’t find the exact section in the book where Dr Kort talks about this but many married gay guys have found that after they come out to their wives that the wife knew something all along. I suspect it’s because they see subconsciously gay men as less threatening in some way and prefer to marry them. My own wife told me several times during out marriage that she wouldn’t have married me if I was like other guys.

I also missed from your first post “They have tried to drill into me that being gay is a "sin" and "unacceptable" to God.”, did your family and church know you were gay before you were married or were they just general comments aimed at the congregation??

SGG

 

Congratulations.

Only thing that matters is you and the journey ahead.

That kiss was simply the beginning of a resolution.

Forget morality, forget bible thumpers as that is irrelevant. Find a gay friendly councelsor to help lead you to YOUR answers.

I wish you happiness in your journey.

Tom

 

Hi there, sdsfguy. Sounds like you have some thinking to do....

First of all, I really wouldn't waste a lot of time feeling guilty about one kiss that you didn't even initiate (even if you did enjoy it). Based on the fact that you didn't let things go any further than that, you didn't "cheat" on anyone. I wouldn't beat yourself up over that. Had you ended up in bed with him and kept coming back for more, that would be one thing. But an unexpected kiss followed by flight isn't "cheating".

However, what you do need to consider now is where things go from here. As others have asked, what kind of a relationship do you and your wife actually have? I struggled with being gay for years and finally told my wife a couple months short of our 20th wedding anniversary. We had a lot of issues in our marriage anyhow, and I was unhappy for a long time before I started accepting that I was gay. Several incidents in my life all converged at the same time, and I suddenly realized that I could either go the safe route and stay in an unfulfilling, unhappy marriage, or I could own up to being gay and see what happened. I told her a year ago, and for largely financial reasons, we're still together in name only for the moment, but I met a great guy not long after, and we're very serious about each other. The last year has been a blur and my brain still feels like it's been run through a blender, but I can see a much happier and more satisfying life ahead of me.

So you need to do some thinking. First of all, what value do you place on your wife and your marriage? Are you happy? Once you can say you're gay, it's very hard to turn back the clock, even if only an hour or a day, to the time before you said it. Now that you've admitted it to yourself, even in an anonymous forum, it's become part of your identity and you may never look at your marriage in the same way again. I know I didn't. Second, what are the potential consequences if you told her and this became public? Could you handle it? What are your options if she wants you out? What could it do to your job or your life in your community? Are you ready to face it? What sort of help resources are available in your area?

Sounds daunting but it can be much easier than you might think. I've been very lucky. My teenage daughters have been accepting, my co-workers have been great, and as the news has leaked around our small town it doesn't appear that I'm going to be completely shunned, although it hasn't really hit my church yet, so I may have some awkwardness yet (I've been one of the church organists for nearly 30 years). But I've grown strong enough that I can handle it. Others have had it harder, but the consensus seems to be that it's been worth it.

No easy answers. But accepting who you are is the first step in figuring out how you want to deal with it.

 

Hi,

I cannot imagine not coming out now i did it.

I would never encourage anyone to stay in the closet. Doing that is like tossing an anchor to a drowning man (only he don't know he's drowning).

It is not all cake and candy but worth it.

Tom

 

If it was just a kiss its no big deal, at least to me I don't consider that cheating. I don't see any reason why you would have to tell your wife. If you were really getting serious with that man and things started to get sexual in nature and intercourse was in the picture then you would have to tell your wife. But if it was just a kiss and you don't see it getting serious or going any where important than I see no reason why you would have to tell her and make a big thing out of a little kiss.

 

You seem to be forming the kind of emotional relationship with this gym guy that you really should have with your wife, but no longer, or never really had. If you had just been exploring what sex with a man would be like in order to resolve your sexuality, that would be different, but what you are describing is more like "love" than "good friends", as you describe your current relationship with your wife.

Without quibbling about what the definition of "cheating" is, it would be more useful to say that you have a stronger interest in being involved with this man than you do with your wife. This probably suggests the direction you should think about heading in the future. The path could be the same if you had fallen for another woman after being married for 26 years, only the reason is different; straight people get divorced and remarry all the time, without even as strong a reason as you have. You need to talk with your wife about your relationship with her, tell her that you no longer feel a sexual attraction to her and that it is your shortcoming, not her own, and discuss what she feels she wants to do in the light of that reality. Maybe you will both be on the same page about ending your marriage amicably. If it turns out that way, then you can pursue your gay relationship after the divorce without major recriminations about your marriage or your conduct.

 

so it sounds as though you're planning on having sex with the guy behind your wife's back to see how it feels and if you like it and deal with the aftermath later? i think that is your personal choice but here are some things you should consider:

1. if you are going to have an extramarital affair, please protect yourself with condoms to mitigate any transfer of possible STIs to yourself or to your unsuspecting wife if you regain physical relations with her afterward. i also recommend testing as well with your "friend" so you know what you may be dealing with. please note, not everything shows up in tests so it's a crap shoot either way.

2. how would you feel if your wife started striking up a conversation with the hot trainer and her gym and decided to sleep with him because he turned her on? i do not think this is an issue of if you are gay or not, but i do think you are in a committed relationship of 26 years and that should mean something. it should mean that if you're going to step out on your wife, then have the conversation with first before doing the deed. i think after 26 years of being married to a man that is ultimately bi or gay and that she will be out on her keister alone in a few months, i think you owe her that much.

3. what about your son? sure he doesn't know dad is gay but sleep with this guy and ruin the relationship with mom and of course it will later come out that you cheated on mom with an extramarital affair with a gym guy. what do you think Son will think of you? It's one thing to accept my Dad is gay, but i sure would have a lot of respect for my Dad if he sat me and mom down and gave it to us straight versus cheating on my mom with a guy and possibly putting her health in jeopardy as well. I think this affair will not only impact your wife but also your son and his perception of you

4. so you sleep with this guy and then what? let's say you love it. let's say you can't get enough of it and want more and more and more. then you keep sleeping with him. guess what, you'll have to tell your wife anyway. let's say you sleep with him and it's not exactly what you liked but you liked some aspects. let's say he dumps you after that. you think your gayness is going to go quietly into that soft sweet goodnight....NO, you'll be back on the prowl for more action with someone else. my point is, either way, the marriage will eventually crumble so why not just break it off and be upfront in the beginning and save some of the heartache of being cheated on after the fact.

i mean ultimatley you all took a vow to be together forever. yes divorce happens. so if you're going to want men now, i think the honorable thing to do after 26 years of marriage is to cut it off before you start exploring men. i dont think people should be used as backup in case you do not like the results of your gay exploration. that's not fair to the other person. would you want someone to use you as a sexual shield while they went off to secretly figure out if they wanted to be with you or not while having sex with other. i doubt that. how would you feel if loverboy gym guy and you were in a relationship and he "explored" with another man to see if liked older guys or younger guys behind your back? You'd be crushed. why do it to someone else you've known for 26 years. if you no longer want your wife or women and you want men, ok, so be it, but have the courage to walk out there solo and alone and realize that it may or may not work out as you hoped. i think i could respect that more if i was your son or wife versus finding out you cheated on me or my mom with some guy you met at a gym 6months ago so you can figure out if you're gay after 26 years of marriage. no judgement here but i think you have to look at other people's feelings and needs other than you're own since you're not single.

 

Hey offmychest, you make some very valid points to the OP and I agree with all of them...however, he needs compassion more than shaming; some help in his own admitted struggle with the issue, more than judgment, of which to be honest there is plenty in your post.

He is struggling with whether to move forward with this guy, he never said he would definitely. He knows more than you what the consequences would be, I take that as a given. If ever he comes out, he will have all sorts of righteous indignation thrown his way, but he hasn't told us of any decisions he has made.

I argue for integrity, this includes maintaining the integrity of long-term vows. But there is a great struggle for which he needs support, not condemnation before the fact.