Need support

I've been going through a roller coaster of emotions for a year--we're still living together although I'm moving forward with a legal separation and have a boyfriend. Her emotions change from anger to sadness to loss to jealousy at the drop of a hat, and I understand that. Mine have evolved a lot too, and some of the resentment that I have towards her after 20 years of a strained marriage are coming to the surface. You don't have that, fortunately, but your own emotions are going to do a lot of changing over the coming months too, as you get more and more out. Fear, pride, near-exhibitionism about being gay, all are possibilities.

Your wife is certainly going to feel some degree of betrayal and grief. It's hard to allow her that when you're going through your own complex set of emotions, but it is only fair. She didn't expect this, after all, and it's going to shake up her world. As time goes by, though, it will be important to start deciding some boundaries of behavior, particularly if you want to remain close and have some kind of friendship. And if that's not possible, you still need to learn how to function in some way for the sake of the kids. Some days it's like dancing on the edge of a cliff. It does get easier as you become more secure and directed. But expect to have some rough and confusing times for a bit. It's not fun but it makes you stronger.

 

Always good advice from Choirboy. My therapist told me that it was a death and needed to be mourned as such. It's follows the stages of grief. What's conflicting is that for you it is also a beginning. While for your wife, it may appear to be only an end.

Those of us who've been through it can tell you every situation is different. I came out in January, moved out in May, divorced in July, and we're now building a friendship out of the ashes of our marriage. It has not been a bed of roses and don't want to give you that impression.

We used a mediator rather lawyers, because we were pretty much on the same page. It is also way less expensive, and by the very nature of things lawyers are paid to be adversarial.

This will be the roughest year of your life, but in the end you will become stronger. remember to be honorable in all your dealings.

 

Hang in there. People act badly when they are hurting so much inside. Just do the best you can and take breaks.

My husband did the same. For many months. I mostly just listened. Sometimes I pushed back but only to keep myself in a good, safe spot and not to hurt back. This is hard shit. Remember to have compassion for yourself and for her. It's hard when you really can't fix what she wants you to fix. It's unfixable and somewhere inside she probably knows but just has to come to accept. Just keep pushing forward.

Good luck. Time helps everything and it will get better. Especially if no matter what you treat everyone with kindness.

 

Absolutely, maintain the difficulty of kindness in the face of such onslaughts, but be organized as well, let her know what your boundaries are, that includes the car.

She may mistake kindness for weakness, which leads to disrespect. Do not get angry, but make sure she understands that you have legal means at your disposal too (which I hope you have been looking into).

She is hurting, which expresses itself in anger. See her in that light, it will make enduring this part of it more tolerable.

 

please forgive me if you find it too personal but at what age did you get married?

 

I would definitely talk to an attorney. She may come around and be less adversarial, but she may not, and it's best to have some idea of what you could be facing.

Besides that, do you have people to help you through this? Friends or family who will have your back and be supportive? That's crucial. We're absolutely here for you, of course--that's what EC is for. Vent, ask questions, share fears and victories--it's all good. But having people in "real life" to stand by you makes a difference too. And check out any help resources in your area too. This will be a very emotional time. The nuts and bolts of practical details can make us forget that there are other needs too. Take care of yourself!

John

 

Hi W2D - Chip is spot on with the stages of grief. This is the death of your marriage and you'll both (in your own ways) need to grieve the loss of whatever future expectations you had for your relationship. That future life as a married couple has quite literally died and everything she is experiencing is completely normal and expected, so just hang onto that patience as well as you can.

BUT... you need to be forewarned, the stages of grief are not always linear and the progression differs for every person that has ever experienced them. Sometimes a person may skip a stage, or get entirely hung up in a stage and never progress. I know that I personally cycled around and around my own stages, rather manically at times, skipping rapidly from one to the next then backsliding and wallowing.

She'll deal with this process (or not) in her own way and you'll need to do the same. The best I advice I can offer is to just be there for your daughter and shield her from the worst of it - from both of you - as much as possible. It's a gift you can give not only your daughter but your wife and yourself as well. It's amazing what a balm the simple joy of a child can be in midst of tough times. Take the effort to get out of your head and let yourself experience that whenever you have the chance.

Good luck!

 

You are gay. It's not your fault. It is just a problem that you and she have to deal with like adults, for the sake of your child, probably with a divorce considering your young age. Do not make the child a pawn for manipulation of each other; if she starts doing that, call her out on it. You have been honest with her about being gay. Now it is time for both of you to get out of mutual attack mode and resolve what you are going to do. Both of you made the mistake of getting married, not just you. Try to talk some sense into her and help her work through the 5 stages if you can, but don't start a guilt trip on yourself or let her do it, because it's not your fault that you are gay.

 

Be prepared to be a punching bag every so often. Rough shores ahead. Always be honorable. Put your child ahead of every thing. You have to live with yourself. Don't, don't beat up on yourself. Lawyers are expensive, but if you cannot amicably come to a agreement, protect yourself.