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A few questions

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Perplexed1979, Sep 10, 2014.

  1. Perplexed1979

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    Before you came out to yourself.

    I'm a guy who is majorly conflicted with his orientation.
    I'm still unsure if i'm in denial, suffering from internal homophobia or what is going on.

    Before you came out to yourself, How many of you secretly watched gay porn? fantasised about being with the same sex?

    Were some of you in such deep denial that you never did any of those things, just felt attracted to the same sex.
     
  2. Perplexed1979

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    Coming out to yourself

    What were the gay behaviours/feelings/thoughts did you engage in before you came out to yourself as gay.
    Other than checking people of the same sex out. Did you watch gay porn? Did you fantasise about being with some of the same sex? Did you go out and hook up for one night stands?

    Did you consider yourself bisexual?

    Any responses would be great appreciated.
     
  3. Spaceman

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    Porn, fantasizing and checking out guys, but first actual gay experience was after I came out to myself and my wife.
     
  4. Perplexed1979

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    Sorry for the double post.
    Thanks Spaceman for your response.
     
  5. Perplexed1979

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    The reason i ask is that i am going through a period of deep questioning. This is very distressing.
    I have always felt that I had same sex attractions. However I have never acted on them. I have never masturbated to Gay porn, nor have I fantasised about being with a man, nor have I being with one.

    Even now when i try to do these things i am not able to.
    I wonder am I so deeply in denial that I am unable to become aroused by gay porn or to fantasise about another man. It the reason that i have very deep internalised homophobia? If it is how do I move past it?

    Is the only way to really know if i have a gay experience?
    I am going to speak to a councellor about this next week.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    Hi Perplexed1979, welcome to EC!

    No, you do not have to have an experience with a man to know whether you are gay. I principally advise against this because no human being should be another's experiment. You are dealing with a person, someone with feelings and it is wrong to just "try someone out" without considering the emotional implications, for both of you.

    Humans are endowed with the capacity to imagine, and the mind is the most important sexual organ. The most telling behaviours that can give you a strong clue are masturbatory fantasies and the persistence of these fantasies. Notice I did not say porn, it is a rather poor way to determine one's orientation.

    It is a process of observing oneself, catching yourself thinking about what it would be like to be in a same-sex relationship.

    You don't need to draw definitive conclusions, or pick a label (although this sometimes helps) but you do need to be at least relatively comfortable with who you are, or who you are finally allowing yourself to become. I can assure you, sex without all the crippling doubts is infinitely better!
     
  7. bottomsup

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    I used to fantasize about it as a teenager, but deleted any thought like that after realising its significance, and have only this year acnowledged their existansce.

    as far as having sex to test it, much as I would love to(just the mention of that being a potential reality..) I used to think and do still, just do it, get it done and find out, one thing which is a blocker to that is , what if you have a bad first experience? Which then causes more doubts than it would solve? So am waiting now, for what I dont know.

    The fact you are here means you are questioning things, which is good, much better to be aware than to ignore.
    Yes internal homofobia can stop you from being aroused.

    I think non stop of gay sex day and night, its not the sex, i want a relationship. Lol im married with 4 kids.

    Seeing a councilor is a good idea, although can be emotional, give yourself some free time after the first meeting, i went straight back to work and it was a smdisaster day, my head was trawling through my whole life etc..
    Fine after, just the first time i found, and i stopped then as of the work impact. (and had worked it out really)
    I have never taken action, but all day long....

    I would say, that yes, its quite possible to be attracted to guys and to totally deny it, acceptance of onesself within ones self is the hardest thing in life, has taken me my whole life...
    Now that i accept myself (in the main) all the suppressed thoughts and memories have resurfaced, and i am a whilst person, although a bit more tearfull!
    Beware self directed anger, give yourself time to adjust, found myself giving myself a very hard time over it and felt a bitnnuts. It settles though.
    Are you single? Have kids? Spoken to anyone ever about it?
    All the best
     
  8. Choirboy

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    I definitely had attractions to guys in high school and college, and had one awkward drunk same-sex experience in college. I had what I considered attractions to girls at that time, but looking back, I realize that it was never sexual, and more like a combination of idealization, and a heavy dose of being impressed with what made THEM attractive to guys (if that makes any sense!). I was very convinced I was bisexual and just needed to find the right woman to make me lose interest in guys. My wife and I got involved while she was married to her abusive first husband, and while I was going through a lot of trauma in my own life (losing several key family members in a short time). All the emotions of our situations really did make me focus far more on her than thinking about guys, although I'd come back from time with her and immediately put on the gay porn tapes.

    While I was married (which technically I still am, although there are no secrets and she knows we're still together only for financial security, the kids and our alleged and rather one-sided "friendship"), I never had hook-ups and never cheated, but I basically ate myself into an unhealthy and unappealing mess as a result of my unhappiness. I did watch plenty of gay porn in that time and fantasized exclusively about either guys, or multiple guys with a woman involved but very much on the fringe of the activity. And while it took me until just a couple years ago before I could really admit I was gay, not bisexual, my genuine attractions were always only for guys and that was very clear.

    The same-sex experiences I've had since coming out really didn't "convince" me I was gay, and I don't believe that you have to actually be involved with a guy to be "convinced" in some way that you're gay. For me, it did confirm what I already knew, and it's actually been much more intense and wonderful than I expected, but I really did know already. Do talk with your counselor about it before you do anything else, if you have such conflicting feelings. We all have different experiences and different things going on in our heads and hearts. Once you figure it all out, a lot of things start to make sense. I won't lie to you, it's not an easy experience. But in the end it's worth it to understand who you are and how you can be happy.
     
  9. Perplexed1979

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    Thanks Gents. Much appreciated.
    It's a very confusing experience, and distressing.
    I am single, but have been seeing this amazing girl recently. Funnily enough, the prospect of getting into a serious relationship with her has brought up these serious doubts again. I don't want to get involved and later have to come out. I'd like to be sure before getting involved. As hard as it's been, i've put the breaks in a little bit.

    Greatwhale, I agree pornography is problematic. In fact, I've come to realize that i'm addicted/dependent on pornography. This adds to my great confusion. I think it has affected me in many ways. I've read lots of reports recently of the damage that heavy and continuous pornographic use has on men, It's shocking, and I can relate to a lot of it.
     
    #9 Perplexed1979, Sep 11, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 11, 2014
  10. Horizon55

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    Hi perplexed,
    I just want to echo what's been said about 'observing oneself' and also letting yourself wander in your thoughts and feelings. My therapist has actually encouraged me to do this a lot. This has been hugely hard but helpful. It appears to me that I have, for many years, not allowed myself to do this… I have not ever had a fantasy world. I never would look at a great looking guy and let my mind go about what it would be like to approach him, to start a relationship, to think about connection, to imagine being close to him, to sexually fantasize about him…. this has been so incredible for me… I have been surprised initially that this took a little effort to not 'shut-off' feelings and imagination.I guess I shouldn't be surprised given my age how long it has taken to turn off old patterns. Now it is exciting and is becoming very helpful for me.
     
  11. Yossarian

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    Re: Before you came out to yourself.

    This exactly.
     
  12. nerdbrain

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    Not to complicate matters further, but it's possible you have HOCD. You can google it for more info.

    Basically it's an anxiety disorder where the fear is that you may be gay. It's part of a broader set of anxiety disorders and has nothing to do with your actual sexual orientation.

    The reason I bring it up is that you've expressed minimal homo fanstasy/experience and it's possible your new relationship could be triggering anxiety. Might be worth reviewing the articles out there to see if it resonates.

    OCDOnline.com
     
  13. Perplexed1979

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    Thanks again for your replies.
    Nerdbrain, Yeah I'm familiar with HOCD. I certainly have had many of the symptoms eg constantly checking etc, I don't think that i suffer from this anymore.

    The thing about my new relationship that really triggered my anxiety was my issue with erectile dysfunction. I've always struggled with it. However i'm unsure if that is to do with my pornography use or not. A lot of young men are struggling with ED following heavy porn use. I'm unsure if this is the case with me or if maybe I'm just coming to terms with homosexuality and I 'm unable to have sex with women any more!!!

    I have a number of issues that i need to deal with. It's hard to know if these are confounding or confusing each other.

    Nerbrain, I have been reading your story. It sounds like you are really struggling. It's a very confusing place to be! I wish you the best.

    ---------- Post added 11th Sep 2014 at 08:15 PM ----------

    How do i deal with the times when I think i'm gay and an absolute dread comes over me. I have to say that I don't want to have to go through all this. For the last few weeks i've been living in a sort of haze of continuous thinking, ruminating, intellectualising, obsessing about my sexuality. I "test" myself on gay and straight porn. Hoping that i can come to some certainty. This is exhausting and depressing.
    I really feel sorry for myself.
     
  14. nerdbrain

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    Well, one of the goals of CBT therapy which I learned in my OCD treatment is to try to treat the question as irrelevant. In other words, maybe you are gay and maybe you aren't, but one thing is for sure: the question is driving you crazy. So work on letting it go, if only for awhile. Try to accept the ambiguity.

    From the language you use, it certainly sounds like HOCD, but then again I was diagnosed with it and now I'm reasonably sure that I am gay or bisexual.

    In either case, obsession over the question is unhealthy. I would urge you to seek some counseling if you can, ideally from someone who has experience with this kind of anxiety disorder.

    And yeah, I'm going through a pretty rough patch right now. Thanks for your support.
     
  15. alexlove

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    i was 6 years old i did not know what porn was until i got 14 oh.... i guess so there was this dream i was getting anal sex from the same sex


    tastetherainBow
     
  16. CyclingFan

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    Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me choirboy! I can very much relate to that.
     
  17. Perplexed1979

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    Nerdbrain, the main reason I don't think this is HOCD is that these doubts have been with me a very long time and didn't spring up on me suddenly.

    I have always thought that I am attracted to both sexes. However I've never really been comfortable with being with a man. Up until now I thought that i could just live a monogamous heterosexual life. However I'm doubting that at the moment.

    I have met an amazing woman in the last two months, but instead of it being something wonderful it's been a few months of anxiety, doubt and guilt. This is not how it should be.
    I'm not going to drag her into something that is likely to be a big mess. As much as I don't want to, I'm going to tell her whats going on and obviously this will be the end of it. I fear I may be making a big mistake, but it's the right thing to do.

    I have a huge amount of work to do to even start to become comfortable with myself. I still find the idea of being with a man uncomfortable, and I haven't even considered what being in a relationship would be like! I do realise that this could just be internalised homophobia. I hope that the councillor will be able to help me with this.

    Whatever happens I'm looking forward to when I can live my life without the cripppling uncertainty and doubt. Whatever way that life will look.

    My pornography addiction is also making things very difficult at the moment.

    ---------- Post added 12th Sep 2014 at 10:32 AM ----------

    Also, your advice re letting go and living with the ambiguity is good advice. It's not so easy to do.
     
    #17 Perplexed1979, Sep 12, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2014