I've always thought she suspected me of being gay, but we've never confronted the issue head on. She has gay friends and relatives, and is comfortable with them, but whenever I float the possibility of me being gay by her, she reacts with disgust!
The only real way to know for sure is to talk about it with her very directly, but you'll need to be prepared for a reaction of some kind. Accepting gay relatives and friends is very different from accepting a gay husband (ask me how I know!), and it's not an easy conversation to have. The disgust you speak of may be hiding some fear about where this could take your relationship; it could be denial of even the possibility you're gay or bisexual; or it could be utter cluelessness. You won't know until you have the discussion.
As painful and awkward as it may be, you do need to talk to her about it. If she will not talk to you about it, then you may have to simply tell her in a letter that you have attractions to other men. You are the one who knows; you have to tell her, then you know she knows. Where you go from there depends on her reaction. If she wants to think of it as "disgusting", then there is not a whole lot you can directly do about that; you can't have a rational discussion with someone who is being irrational. All you can do is tell her how you feel, and be prepared to answer the obvious questions which might follow: Are you seeing somebody? Have you have sex with some man; who is he? Do you want a divorce? What did I do wrong? etc etc
I agree with the comments made already. As I have tried to broach this conversation with my wife who is so supportive of gay friends, our children's gay friends and who has wondered about my own sexuality… now that it is 'truly' on the table for me it has become hugely tough. She feels I may be 'choosing' this orientation and destroying our marriage even though she knows for all of our gay friends this is not a matter of choice. She is also clearly very angry that I have not figured out my sexuality up until this very late point in life..age 58! So, the disgust, as others have said, is really not disgust for 'an' individual being gay, but 'you' specifically and what the meaning of that is for your relationship. She may also be laying the 'disgust' card out to persuade you not to declare you are gay and to keep your marriage in tact. I feel that is what my wife is doing. How long have you been married? I see your age is 52. It is clear to me that conversation that is direct is the only way to figure it out… and what the path forward will be.
I'm afraid I'm guilty of secretly hoping there was some nice, easy way to break the news to my wife and family. In a way I feel like such a coward. I've chosen the path of non-confrontation and led everyone on. - Which begs this question: Don't most of our loved ones already know? Or at least suspect? I realize my wife wouldn't understand me not coming out during our marriage (we're currently separated). She'd rightfully feel deceived. But as time wears on and the agony of being in the closet becomes more intense, I see how coming out is so much healthier for all of us! The strange thing is - I truly feel my kids would support me! Of course they'd be shocked (but it would explain all that paisley in our attic!) and maybe repulsed (although we've worked hard to raise them to be tolerant), but I have no question they would accept their father being gay. I deplore guile, but could I use that as leverage when I confess to my wife?:eusa_liar
I had planned on telling my wife, and came up with many scenarios (which I chickened out on over and over), but in the end, I blurted it out during an unrelated argument and that was that. Not that there wasn't a certain amount of nuclear winter that followed, of course. She claimed at the time to have suspected already, but has since told me it came as a complete shock. I'm still not sure which was really the case. Of the many people I've told since then, several were mildly surprised but a number of them were't even slightly. My brother, who isn't even particularly gay-friendly, mentioned knowing someone whose son came out, and observed that often the gay person is the last one to figure it out. (And he wasn't very surprised by my revelation either.) As far as the kids, my teenage daughters have not only been very accepting, but they also recently met my boyfriend and liked him. There are no guarantees in anything, but while it may be worth it to prepare for the worst, there's no point in assuming it will definitely happen.
It is amazing how our minds can fill gaps in a way that lets us see what we want to see. In some ways I was uncertain about my own orientation until I brought it to voice, until I professed being gay. It changed the story of who I am and was when I spoke it. I am wondering whether she might not be filling the gaps with what she wants to see and have happen in her life. When you bring your orientation to your voice it will release clarity and authenticity for you. I am guessing that it will also release her own clarity and authenticity. Which might be rough and tumble, but it will be really real. For my own marriage, I can look back and see that we were trying very hard to live into a story that simply did not belong to us. Monnorkid, I wish for you lots of peace today!
