Out of the closet ... and then right back in!

Hello, beautiful people! I am reaching out for support and understanding and all the advice/suggestions you can muster!

I am a 47-year-old man and I came out as gay to my wife of 14 years about 18 months ago. We were living in the greater Toronto area where we had lived for 4 years so that I could pursue a PhD at a nearby university. After I came out, my wife elected to move back to the area where we were from, a heavily conservative area in the Southern US. We agreed that our two elementary age kids would move with her since she was the one with a job at the time. I subsequently secured some good work and remained in Toronto for the next year writing my doctoral thesis. Gradually I came out to my closest friends, began to play a bit in the Village, found a wonderful support group of men just like myself - Gay Fathers of Toronto, continued psychotherapy, and generally began to heal after the devastation of our marriage's ending.

Indeed, the first six months were awful, full of grief, and tremendous feelings of loss. For the prior six years I had been our kids' primary stay-at-home parent; I was super-engaged in their lives from getting them up in the morning to putting them to bed at night, preparing all of our meals, taking kids to activities, and helping with homework. For them not to be in my house every single day has been the biggest loss and adjustment of the entire experience. So, beginning to come out re-oriented my identity in more than one way. I was now becoming gay, but I was also becoming a very different kind of dad. For the next 12 months after they moved, I flew down to spend a week of every month in their new city, rented a condo and a car, and brought them to live with me for at least that much time. Those weeks were the most normal I felt through the whole past year!

After the winter holidays and the beginning of 2014, my grief eased up a bit and I began to find more joy in the life I had chosen. I started going to a a very gay-friendly church regularly and, since I am ordained, they even asked me to preach one week. Such joy. I only once got up the gumption to ask someone out for coffee, and I was rebuffed but still proud that I did it! So I guess in some senses I am only theoretically gay, since I have never had any sexual contact with a man at all. But I'm pretty sure that I know who I am!

Still the absence of my kids was just excruciating, and I made the decision that I could no longer bear being away from them. They need their Daddy! And their Daddy needs them, too! So I chose to take a job about 90 minutes from their city and I moved in June 2014.

The move made it necessary for me to be firmly in the closet again. I am a minister of many years in a Christian denomination that does not allow LGBT clergy serving openly (although I know many who serve in a "don't-ask-don't-tell" kind of arrangement). So I am convinced that I cannot remain in this same situation for a long time. I need to move on and come out.

Being here in this very conservative and homophobic culture is tough. I have a few oases, mainly via phone from my Canadian home. My besties keep me sane with near-daily conversation, and my psychotherapist and I continue sessions by phone. I have also found a group of gay men who get together for social purposes in a city about 90 minutes from here. But, my job and my parental responsibilities prevent me from doing very much with them. I should be soon done with the PhD and thus be credentialed to pursue work that is more satisfying to me. However, it will doubtless require me to move a good distance from my kids again.

So I am trying hard to gain three things: 1)being truly out everywhere; 2)being close enough to be the kind of parent I feel called to be; and 3)pursuing work that is deeply fulfilling and that I have worked hard to be qualified to do. I can seem to get any TWO of these things to work, but not all three together. So I am waiting and watching and hoping for a little serendipity to come my way.

Thanks for taking the time to read my story! Let me know if I can clarify anything for you!

:smilewave

 

Thanks, fellas. I appreciate the honest reflection. Here's a couple points that will help explain some things:

First, my relationship to my kids. I'm not willing to pit practising my sexual orientation against being a father. I don't think that they are culpable for my sexual orientation. So, I'm not willing to punish them by withholding my presence from them even if it means stunting my own growth for awhile. That's pretty much what parenting is, in my experience, anyhow: self-denial in favour of growing a person! They know that I am gay; they are fine with me being gay; they need me to be as close to them as I can be. For me, to walk away for a time is just not an option. We have a completely shared arrangement with the kids. Their school is great and works for them, so we agree that they need to continue there. I get them on weekends, but I'm also available to volunteer at their school, etc.

Second, my relationship with my ex: We are good friends. It has been super tough for us, for sure, but she has not resorted to bitterness and hatred. We communicate openly and well. I am invited to stay at her home on occasions when the driving is too much. I even hang with the kids when she goes out on dates sometimes! It's weird but it works. Not perfect, but workable. We are even taking the kids to DisneyWorld together in a month. The one regret that I have is that I agreed for her to take the children with her. I wanted the year to explore and to write the freaking dissertation! But I do realize now how that choice gave her the upper hand in dealing with kids. However, we both see that the kids being with me is a real possibility in 2-3 years. They've been through enough transition for now though, and they (and we) need to settle in where we can.

Am I clinging to my family in order to avoid being more gay? That's not how I see it. I am being a responsible dad, and that makes some personal choices harder...just as it does for about every parent that I know! So, my kids come first, and I understand that this choice has its consequences. However, this does NOT mean that I am willing to wait forever or put my life on hold ad infinitum.

Third, the weight and the recovery: I have always been overweight and over the past several years gotten significantly obese. After decades of struggle I found myself in Overeater's Anonymous. This was actually before I came out, and I have to say that this is the single best decision I have made over these last two years. Frankly, it was entering recovery and working the steps that gave me the voice to admit to myself and then to others just how gay I am. I am now fulfilling my heart's desire to be fit and healthy, to have a clearer relationship with food, and not to participate in my disease. Things are going well, the weight is coming off, I am getting regular exercise, and feel terrific. But my obesity is another obstacle to practising my sexual orientation. It's not necessarily an obstacle for someone else (though it surely could be); the primary obstacle is in my own head. And I am working on that. I am sure to post about that separately.

So, thanks, guys for your honest reflections. You are bold and beautiful and your experience will be helpful in the days to come. Thank you for being willing to be a partner on this journey.

---------- Post added 12th Sep 2014 at 08:25 AM ----------

Thanks for the FR, ChoirBoy! It's good to find friends on this wild journey. I have resonated with several of your posts and thought that we have some aspects of our stories that are similar. Look forward to getting to know you and this group better!

 

ChoirBoy, I don't have enough posts yet to respond directly to you! But here's my answer to your initial question: YES! I do love that song and, of course, love the church, too. I am a United Methodist hoping for change, but pretty sure that won't be coming along soon! Thanks for your friendship, CB!

 

And your friendship is deeply appreciated, BeingEarnest. Thanks for sharing the ways that you see our stories overlapping. Indeed I think they do, too. I look forward to continuing the journey with you.