I've been with my partner for 9 months now and we are getting married next August. Having never been in a real relationship with another man I'm not sure how we are doing . I know that is ver vague, he has been out since he was 19 and me since February of this year. We are both dominant in and out of the bedroom and assert ourselves as such, which leads me to my question. Is it possible for 2 men who are both very dominant to go on and have a successful relationship? This is all new to me and we seem to bang heads a lot. We both love each other a lot but im not sure if these types of relationship s last.. We have both been with others who seemed to be very passive by nature, our friends describe us as the straight gays... I dont onow where im going with this post but if anyone can read through this mess and shed some light it would be appreciated.
WOW, WOW, WOW, jae!!!! Congratulations! Glad my guy and I aren't the only ones who found the right person barely out of the starting gate. You do realize we've both messed up the curve for everyone else, right? Personally I'd think that having two dominant personalities wouldn't be a problem in bed or anywhere else if you genuinely love each other. There's no rule that says anyone has to be one thing or another, dominant or submissive, masculine or feminine, whatever. Like those annoying people who ask dumb questions like "Who's the woman in the relationship?" Ummm....the whole point in being a gay male couple is that there ISN'T one. The trick is to figure out the ground rules and boundaries. As long as you know the lines that absolutely can't be crossed, I would think it's workable. Some couples are so ridiculously compatible that they seem like clones of each other (cough cough), and get their strength as a couple and as individuals from that. Others bring such different things to the table that their relationship seems improbable, and yet it works because their strong feelings for each other are the common ground. I've known plenty of strong straight couples of both types, so there's no reason a gay couple couldn't be the same. As long as you can make up after banging heads and come out of it....well, banging :eek: there's no reason it can't work. One more WOW and Congratulations! (!)
You have the benefit of looking back at the last nine months and assessing how things are going between the two of you - pretty well by the sound of it! You've come this far with similar personalities, so how have you managed it to date? Has it caused any major issues in your relationship? If not, is there any reason to suppose it will going forward? Just a few questions to consider.
Thanks guys, Great advice, I guess I'm a little perplexed because it has caused some tension. We are both so used to being the decision makers and the ones that call the shots in our previous relationships we seem to have to battle it out sometimes, which is normal for any relationship. There is an added stressor, me having been married for 19yrs to a woman and having children gets thrown in my face a lot. He adores my children but is resentful that I had my cake and am eating it too.... But I have found that an issue with all the men I have dated.
Hi jae... Really interesting point about the impact of the kids on your relationships with guys. Seems to me a gay guy who never had kids but always wanted them should feel lucky to be dating a guy who has them. Is the resentment based on jealousy? Or is it a superiority thing...your partner feeling he had the self awareness not to go down the road you did by marrying a woman and having kids?
Hey Jae, This is terrific news! I strongly recommend that both you and your partner read Joe Kort's 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love. It talks about the issues that come out of the woodwork in gay partnerships and I do think it would help you both in navigating your respective personalities. As Choirboy said, there are boundaries that need to be negotiated. As usual, communication is key, but don't assume that you couldn't use some couple's counseling, even at this early stage (I would say especially at this early stage where you can nip these niggling little concerns in the bud). Your comment about your son is also interesting. I have also encountered that desire for having kids among gay guys who never experienced this. I did not encounter resentment, but I do sometimes detect a certain sadness about it. I often go on about my kids not realizing that it could be painful for others to hear. Perhaps your partner could find a way to develop a good relationship with your son?
Fantastic Jae! How are you now? I had a great partner for the last couple years. We were both alpha males, sounds like you, and yes, that's difficult to reconcile sometimes. Truly some great times between us, its over because of drug/alchohol abuse (and more, it was a mess). I've been there before and didn't want the dysfunction of that in my life. When the lines of communication to talk about needs, wants, and how things change in the relationship are going between both of you, you'll be able to make it work! MAzel Tov!
Jae, you seem to be doing fine. You've assessed an issue both of you face and are willing to work on it; correct? What I'm not understanding is this a need to dominate in all areas of life or just in the bedroom? My ex and I were married for 25 years, and I'd say we both had fairly dominant personalities. Is there compromise and conflict, absolutely, but when you're in love, it doesn't really matter who "wins" and who '"looses." You get to where you need to be. If the conflict is in the bedroom, however, then one or both of you aren't being fulfilled sexually. That's a problem, because there are issues of masculinity, homophobia, and the feeling perhaps of being "conquered." A gentleman I'm acquainted with who is into the leather scene told me that one "cannot be a good top unless they have also been a bottom." As a top how can you be sure you're pleasing the other person unless you know what it feels like. Not being into leather, etc. I can only say it makes logical sense to me. Besides, unless it's causing you both to look elsewhere for satisfaction, it shouldn't be a big deal. Have the two of you discussed a little experimentation? I think I'd try that before questioning the whole relationship. Being on bottom doesn't mean you've lost control or are less of a man. If it's a real issue and you're really in love, find a gay couples therapist. Best of luck to you both. You are very fortunate.
