It's getting better

October will be a year since I came out to my wife and moved out of the family home. About five months after I came out, my wife decided she wanted to move with our two young kids two hours away to be close to her extended family, which has been her primary support system. I chose not to fight the move, partially out of guilt and partially to keep our pending divorce from turning into World War III…it’s been cold, but civil so far and our kids have not been exposed to any ugliness. Also, her family has been amazingly supportive and loving toward me (even knowing I’m gay), and I knew I would lose that if I tried to stop her. So, I agreed to allow the move with the understanding that I would move as well once I found a job in the new town…something she said she fully supported as she knows the kids need me in their lives.

After agreeing to the move, I faced the toughest period of my journey. I was constantly second guessing whether I had made a colossal mistake by allowing her to leave town with my kids. I was dreading the day they were to move, knowing that I’d see them much less until I found a new job…with no idea how long that would take. I felt terrible knowing that the kids would be uprooted from their home and community where they had great friends and schools they loved…especially since it was in large part because their mom couldn’t face the embarrassment of being known in town as the wife of the guy who came out as gay. I started antidepressants, couldn't sleep and had days where I was barely functional. I never expected coming out to mean losing contact with my kids. It was a price too high to pay.

Well, moving day came about a month ago, in time for the start of the new school year. The kids have handled the transition better than I had expected. They do miss their friends, but like being near their cousins and grandparents. We’re in constant contact by text, phone and Skype and I’ve been spending each weekend with them. But every day they ask me, daddy did you get a job yet? When are you going to move here? Living apart from them was just not acceptable long term, so after some procrastinating, I worked up the motivation to begin my job search.

I searched openings online, went through the cumbersome application process for positions that I wasn’t really excited about and would likely involve taking a pay cut. Then I found one that was a perfect fit. Of all the jobs I applied for, it was the only employer who offered me an interview. I pulled out all the stops, got a new suit, printed up a little book about my qualifications. I made it to round two of the interview process, then round three and on Wednesday I found out I got the job! As soon as I was done, I drove right to my daughter’s school, walked into her gym class and told her the news. It was the happiest both of us had been a long time.

Coming out has come at a great cost to my family and me. It’s easy to dwell on the losses, but I’m working to focus on what’s going right and how an authentic future can be better than a closeted past. To get to this point, I’ve had to draw on strength I didn’t know I had. I’m more confident than ever that I’m going to make it through this intact, and become the better person I strive to be.