So..... Husband and I have been together 17 years, we have 4 kids who I stay at home with, a mutual decision several years ago. He has known I haven't been happy for a long time, more so since I've acknowledged I'm gay and I'm becoming more and more withdrawn from him. On a few occasions he's said perhaps we should split since I'm not happy and that makes him not happy. We have a few other issues, so I don't think my being gay is 100% responsible for the state of the marriage but it is a big contributing factor, which he doesn't know about. Things have come to a head this week as he's been pushing me to tell him what's wrong. But I just clam up, I literally can't tell him and he's worried and I know it's not fair. Today he was very sweet with me and wanted to know what this something is. He asked if I still loved him and I said I honestly am not sure. I got properly upset and said I couldn't talk and just curled into a ball and cried! I said not to push me and I will talk to him, just not now. So I know later he is gonna want to talk about it and I think he deserves to know. I've never cheated, never even kissed another woman, so although I'm pretty sure I am a lesbian there's still that niggling doubt that maybe I've got it all wrong. Plus I'm not ready to be outed yet if he goes mental! I really can't predict his reaction. On top of that, if he leaves, which I think he will, I have no job and twins who aren't yet at school, so childcare when / if I can get a job to support myself and four kids, is going to be expensive! But given all this I think I'm gonna need to tell him, to end his suffering. Should I do it, or just continue pretending all is ok until I know I can be financially independent and able to support my kids?? And should I say, I think I'm gay, rather than I definitely am, so he doesn't out me? Just not sure how to handle this and continue to protect my kids! Any advice would be most welcome...
I think you probably know in your heart if you are gay or not, but I totally understand the "I haven't really tried it, so I don't know" because I'm kind of there too (about being bi). I'm hoping that the conversation went/goes well, and that you are able to come to terms with your husband that allow you both to be happy and keep your kids safe/doing what they are used to as much as possible.
Reading this stirs up so many memories for me. My friend ended up confirming it to my husband after he guessed. I knew she was telling him and was absolutely terrified what his reaction would be. His initial reaction was good but later he left me for someone else. He hasn't outed me but I think that is because he is embarrassed by me and he also doesn't want the children knowing. He is homophobic which is why I never told him. I don't know where you are based but my solicitor has told me that financially a court will make my husband support me a bit until I get on my feet. I work part time but will need to up my hours. My children are both at primary school so I can work those hours. A court only cares about the children. If you going back to work means they are in child care the courts will hopefully favour you and you will get maintenance from your husband. It will take 6 months to get a divorce so at the moment all our money is still shared anyway. Although it would be nice for you to be financially independent before you tell him, mentally that is such a drain on you. I remember that feeling so well and I certainly wasn't in any fit state to start job hunting. Remember, you have done nothing wrong. You have not cheated on him. I'm saying this now because it took me a long time to realise out separation wasn't all my fault. I never cheated on him. There were problems in our marriage before I realised I was bisexual. A court will look at you as a parent not your sexuality. I would advice you are honest with your solicitor. They should support you if they don't get another one. I didn't like the first one I saw, the one I have now has been brilliant. You will be fine whatever you decide. I know you are a strong person. Anyone that copes with having twins is a strong person! It will be a rocky road and I am finding it really hard. However, the thought that in future I won't have to pretend anymore is keeping me going. I'm not out to a lot of people but if I meet someone I won't be hiding it. It's nothing to be ashamed of it's who we are. Chat to me anytime I check the site daily. Good luck x
I don't think you can plan beforehand when you're gonna feel ready to tell him. I always heard that you'll know when the time is right and, even though I always kinda thought it's just a crap, in the end it turned out to be exactly like that. Theoretically I should've come out to my bf much earlier, the sex was bad for months and the guilt unbearable, but I kept suffering because at that time I wasn't ready. When I came out I said stg like I can't help it but I want to be with a woman badly. I know I'm gay but I didn't use that word. Maybe I should have because now he still believes I'm more bi than gay and we can still work. Idk... And remember that telling him is just the first step. It'll bring release for a while but there're many other obstacles yet to come. Wish you all the best.
It's not going to get any easier the longer you wait, either for you or for him. If he is like my ex he will continue to push you until you tell him. Mine did everything to try and find out was wrong and there were many fights. In the end when I told him, he was more upset that I let him think there was something wrong with him and that there was hope when I knew that wasn't true. He did tell people, and that is a possibility but it ended up working out. And he didn't do it to be mean, he was looking for support Don't worry about your financial situation too much at the moment because life has a way of working itself out. Eventually everything will fall into place, just remember to stay strong through whatever comes. This is the most difficult part you will face. After he knows it's a matter of picking up the pieces of your life and putting it back together the way it always should have been.
Oh Mocha, I am feeling so much for you right now! I've learned that if you are considering your spouse's reaction there is never really a right time to come out, because it will be difficult anytime you do. I was waiting for the right time with my wife and reasoned with myself that there is never an ideal time. In the meantime, I was torturing myself with guilt from living a lie and not giving my wife what she needed in our relationship. It's only been a few days since I told my wife and she is still in the initial shock of it. It was very difficult for me and I know I have a tough road ahead. No matter when you decide to come out to your husband it will be the start of a difficult journey for both of you. You can go on unhappy with your marriage, or you can be honest with yourself and your husband. Ultimately, honesty will benefit you both in the long run. I don't know if any of this advice will help, but only you can know the timing. It is a leap of faith, and I took that leap a couple of nights ago. It is tough but I don't regret it, in fact I wish I had done it sooner, for both my wife and myself. Whenever you do come out remember that you will land on your feet and you have to believe happier times are ahead. This is where I'm at. I wish you all the best, and we are here for you!!
And I would tell him you're gay, not think you are because if you say think you are there will be a small piece of hope that you're not and you will go back to him. I've known for a year, been separated for six months and no experience, yet I know that I'm gay, and I think you do too. Deep down, you know the answer, and it's not a matter of knowing for sure, but accepting it.
Hi Mocha, This will be a difficult conversation, no doubt about it. I think from what you wrote, it is pretty much inevitable. You are undergoing this struggle right now because you know deep down what is the right thing to do. This struggle is the direct result of your own moral values about not hurting others and being true to them and to yourself. As Wallace (of Wallace and Gromit fame) would have said: "No use prevaricating about the bush", tell him as soon as you start the conversation, no preambles: say it in the first sentence, and I wouldn't use "I think" if it's not true, decide that this is where honesty begins; the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I wish you luck and foremost: courage. Nothing good ever really happens without that one essential ingredient!
Thanks guys, you are all fantastic! This has been a very tough day and the conversation, if he still pursues it isn't going to happen until we have all the kids in bed. So the torture is prolonged but at least it's giving me time to prepare!
I think if youre not sure you should wait. In my estimation there will be a defining moment where you just know. I thought I had that and honestly I am just not sure still. I had the *perfect* opportunity to come out to a gay coworker and I didnt. That told me a lot about my own feelings.
I wonder if starting with a parable might work? (Is that the right word?). Something like: "What would happen if you woke up one day and found out you weren't who you thought you were? All your family was the same and you still loved them but you, strangely, felt entirely different and just knew you were missing something in your life? You still loved me but I just wasn't what you needed, really needed to fulfill yourself. Unsettling and entirely unavoidable. Well. This has happened to me. I'm not sick or dying but if I don't pursue this, I will literally die inside. So I'm going to tell you so you know it's not you and only me and hope you can help me by letting me talk to you about this and you to me. Just us for now. I'm gay/I'm attracted to women." I think if he first gets an idea of the struggle beforehand, he might understand and take it better. Maybe?
Well I still haven't done it! He decided he hasn't wanted to talk so I was glad of the escape tbh! It'll be happening soon though as I know he won't let it drop, so thank you everyone for the advice and suggestions, I'm still working out what I'm actually going to say but if he keeps pushing me I will have to say, even though I'm not ready to be potentially outed to everyone.
Do it when you are ready. If he outs you to others then there's nothing you can do. Once he has the information, it's his to do with as he pleases. He may need to talk to someone for support. Or he may be angry and start telling everyone. Who knows. Just be ready to respond as needed. It's painful now, but it's so much better once you get past this.
