Hi all, over the last six months, the richness and depth that has been added to my life, since beginning to accept my actual sexuality, also inspired me to want to experience an actual relationship (with a guy, I mean - I could of course seek out a woman, but I just have not had the drive to do so for quite a while). But the more I longed for it, the more miserable and lonely I became, to the point where it was making my depression even worse than before. But over the last few days, I did some rather excruciating soul-searching, recalled and applied a few things I had learned regarding looking at my own mind, and realized that I have been creating needless suffering for myself by hankering so much for a relationship. I have been blaming life, but actually it's been me; my own obsessive longing, is what ended up making me feel always in a state of 'lack', of 'not having something'. Well seeing that, I realized that I don't have to live like this. I am alone, yes. But that does not mean I have to be lonely. I can find ways to be happy and content just with what I have already, I don't 'need' someone else in my life, in order to be happy. Of course, I remain open to it, and if something happens and I meet someone, then wonderful! Of course, I would embrace that. But if I remain alone, for either a short time, or a long time, that doesn't mean I have to be lonely, despondent, and miserable, either. It's a choice. I'm going to try to brighten my mind, to cultivate positive mind states, whatever my situation. Now this is, of course, a big challenge for me, because as I've said previously, I am still in the midst of a depression of sorts. I still feel quite a lot of 'sadness' and 'grief' in my mind and heart, daily. But I must admit, I feel some relief at having dropped this obsession with 'I need someone, I want someone, when am I going to experience this?' That hankering was a burden, and dropping it is a relief. I will have to find creative ways to get my needs met, living alone. Getting out more and meeting like-minded people, and really putting more effort into pure and simple friendship, is one need. As for physical touch, which I admit I am rather starved of, well I could just get a nurturing massage regularly, from someone with a nice, loving energy. So I think that two of the main 'pluses' of being in an intimate relationship - that is, nurturing physical touch, and companionship - can be taken care of in this way, while one is alone. I'm hoping things will get better now, that I've let go of this obsession I had, for many months, up until just a day or two ago. And I hope that something of what I've written here, might also encourage or inspire any other person who is alone, to see if maybe they too can find a little more peace of mind around it, as I seem to have in the last few days. with <3, Damien.
Its a really good place to be and im trying to do the same also i think if you can succeed at that a relationship would be even more fulfilling yet not needy.
I've heard folks more experienced in relationship matters than I, say just that (the last sentence you wrote).
I think that's a great perspective, Damien. As long as you remain open to it and get yourself out and about in the world, I think you will eventually find someone. And I think having a positive energy and being comfortable just being yourself will make you a more fulfilled and more attractive person to others, as well. So the benefit is two-fold . I've also been wanting a relationship, have been feeling like "time is running out" for me, but I try to remind myself that people meet at any age, and hopefully the right girl will come along when I am more "ready" for it, myself.
Thanks, Storm. After the initial relief of my change of perspective, I am still happy about it, but am also noticing some other 'odd' things happening. This morning, I 'woke up' and thought I had also 'realized' that I'm actually straight after all, and that the last six months were to do with a certain emotional issue (regarding women) which I won't go into in the public Forums. I spent most of today like this, feeling like I had (unintentionally) misled all of my friends and acquaintances here (having said that, I still wanted to come here, but thought I would do so as a 'straight ally'). Then, while out shopping, this guy walked past me, he works there...he pretty much sets off my gaydar, I can kind of 'tell', it's not just his hairstyle or tattoos, it's also his prettiness, and the way in which he looks at me (I'm not saying he's attracted to me; but I think he picks up that I'm attracted to him, and it doesn't freak him out...I think he gets that a lot :icon_wink). And as he walked past me, my eyes drifted towards him, and I made sure I didn't look at him properly, I mean that would have been awkward for him, maybe, not to mention I'm too shy anyway...and then I realized I'm not straight after all, I'm still Bi, LOL :badgrin: so much for 'straight ally'...what a strange couple of days I've had. By the way, a girl as nice as yourself has got to be 'snapped up' sooner or later, I believe...there's a girl out there for you, you two just haven't met as yet (or maybe you already have, but just don't know it...? But as I see it, time is on your side...you are still quite young, imo. Thirties is young, from my perspective. ) Damien x
Hi, I have been wrestling with that concept. Yes loving yourself is paramount but we are a social, bonding species. Is the position you state a sort of "sour grapes" evolutionarily speaking? I cannot sort it out. Is "happy alone" another closet denying self? Yes, we all can live happily alone, but can we live joyously alone? Is it apples and oranges? Mostly questions for me. Tom
Damien, you're very wise! I went through almost exactly the same train of thought that you mentioned in the original post and came to the same conclusions. I really needed to go through this whole coming out process to strengthen myself and become a more genuine person, and in my case, not to just trade in my female spouse for a male one. I spent enough years denying who I was, and it seemed like the most sensible thing for me to do was to figure that out and get comfortable with myself first. Of course, the supreme irony in all that was that once I came to that conclusion, it was only a very short time later that I found someone else who had come to the exact same conclusion. Some sort of cosmic reverse psychology, I guess. Stop looking for the relationship, and the relationship comes to you? It's not that easy, obviously. But if you're comfortable and secure and sensible about who you are--or at least if you're trying to be--perhaps you're more likely to be in a position to meet others who feel the same. I wish I had an answer. But I think that we need to work at being whole people ourselves, rather than looking for a relationship to somehow "complete" ourselves. After all, that assumes you're only half a person to begin with, and doesn't that mean that you'll end up with someone who's only half a person as well? We can do better for ourselves than that.
Damien, a wise position i believe. if we can get that self confidence that we are happy with ourselves and, to a degree, self-sufficent we will show that confidence as a light that others may be drawn towards us. that's what i hope anyways:icon_wink i've spent the past 2 decades+ in a relationship that beat me down and forced me to build walls that are tall and deep.:bang: i've spent the past year trying to at least cut some windows in there and to open the gates and it is difficult, but not impossible i am finding. i think your new prespective is like that.(*hug*)
What is most attractive in other people? Is it when they are clearly in need of someone else? Or are the most attractive people those who can stand alone? For me personally, it's been sometimes tough adjusting from life without my wife as a constant presence. However, there are parts of me that were not able to be fulfilled in that relationship. I now have the time to work on those things and find someone who wants to work all of me into their lives, not someone who will make huge compromises to their true selves just for the sake of being in a relationship, any relationship.
Thank you Damien for such a nice topic you have initiated! Your comforting words really impressed me, and I started this week much more peaceful than last week because of having your text in my mind all day Of course you are not lonely, because you are very connected to the world outside. You know it very well and you are able to express your true feelings in such a lovely writing style that makes so much sense to us. Yeah...Being different is difficult, when you don't know what to do with your difference. The same way, being alone is difficult when you don't know what to do with your loneliness. Once you start getting closer to your own true self both problems begin to subside.
I have been single for the last four years after a thirteen year relationship, and I can honestly say, with hindsight, that I was lonelier when I was in my relationship than I am out of it. Sure, a partner would be nice, but I have wonderful friends and I'm ( mostly) happy.
Hahaha, I've had similar thought processes, so I relate. "What was I thinking, how can I be gay?" Then... a stunning woman walks by. "Yep, nevermind, still gay." :icon_redf That's very sweet of you to say, thanks Damien. I hope you're right!
@TheStormInside LMAO, cause I've felt the same thing, especially as I've been going through this. If I haven't seen any guy I find attractive I start thinking, huh, maybe not...then I do see some guy and it's like Whoa!
"They call us lonely when we're really just alone" has always been one of my favorite song lyrics since I was about thirteen. Lex
