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1 month since coming out to my bf

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by paris, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. paris

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    A few things that don't cease to surprise me:
    1) When I came out to my boyfriend he suspected I'm seeing someone else. I said I'd never wanted to cheat on him. Surprisingly he wouldn't consider me sleeping with another woman as cheating. It's like he doesn't see lesbian sex to be real sex or what? He also made some comments about using toys and said he doubted I could like it. Wtf, really? :dry:
    2) He also told me there are things I could try, like taking hormones. I tried to explain there's a difference between one's gender and sexuality but he's seen over years how manly I'm and probably kind of believes that my desire to be with women could be caused by excess of testosterone. As a compromise I agreed to drink tribulus tea (I see no harm in it, among others it's considered natural anabolic and immune system strengthener) that's supposed to balance my hormone levels. He said it could either "turn me back" or "push me to the gay side even more". To me it seems he's just grasping at straws.
    3) He's willing to let me experiment and suggested I could try an erotic massage. :eek: That's really something I've never thought about and am not sure how I feel about it. To go somewhere and pay someone for touching me in a sensual way, I mean. I think he's afraid that if I for example hook up with someone "real" I could get attached, maybe? Maybe he'd be jealous after all.
    4) My mum shocked me the most though. I told her about my exam I passed so so and she said something like "or did you sleep with the (male) teacher to get the passing grade?" Even if I was straight why would I sleep with my teacher?!! And why would anyone even ask that? I think she's kinda pushing me or testing me a lot lately, speaking about grandchildren she won't have, pointing out good looking men, etc. It's probably denial.

    I'm not sure I know what to do right now. I considered to make a profile on a site for meeting other lgbt people but I have no idea what information to put there. Am I looking for friends? Am I looking for someone to hook up with? What do I want?
    I should probably break up with my bf first but the attachment is rather strong (he's my best friend and I'm scared of losing him) and I'm obviously not a stop-seeing-him-cold-turkey kind of person... What scares me the most is that he sees our break up as the end of his life. He's much older and told me he keeps himself fit just because of me and if I'm gone he has no motivation to keep exercising and stuff. I know I'm not responsible for his happiness but I need to know he's going to be fine. I feel so tired...
     
    #1 paris, Sep 14, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
  2. CyclingFan

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    I can relate to the feelings you have for your boyfriend, as it seems very similar to the connection my wife and I share.

    However, that seems a little extra manipulative of him.
     
  3. Really

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    Wow. Those are some comments you're getting. While totally incomprehensible and, quite frankly, unfeeling, I suspect they're both just out of their depths as far as understanding what's going on. If you can manage it, I would simply respond matter of factly.
    "I don't need to sleep with anyone to get the marks I'm getting. Please don't say something like that to me again. It's insulting and extremely unsupportive."
    "When I sleep with someone, it is my choice. Please don't make suggestions. Only I know what I want or like."
    "I know this has been difficult for you. It has for me, too. I'm doing what I need to do to make myself happy. We both need to be responsible for our own happiness because I want you to be happy but I can't do it for you."
     
  4. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    No offense to him, but he sounds like a heterosexist asshole. assuming you're cheating with men, thinking being with women isn't cheating, and trying to change you with hormones :dry:
     
  5. jay777

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    You might hint that you did not change in basic values...
    that there are quite a few lesbian couples with children...
    possibly she read or saw a story going in that direction (teacher)...
    I would not use too much energy in getting annoyed... look after yourself, maybe having a few daydreams... about what you want...
     
  6. YuriBunny

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    :eek: He's acting terribly!
     
  7. Nick07

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    I can undestand the thing about cheating. For him, a woman is not a competition. It can't be.
    I am not sure what you told him and how you came out to him, but he may be under impression that you are curious. If you say you are in love with another woman or that you have dated women and enjoyed it and was in love with them it would be more understandable for him and more of a threat. Until then it is probably something you "need to try" and he is willing to let you because he loves you.

    On the other hand, what did you expect from your coming out to him? What is he supposed to do with that information? You didn't break up with him right after that and that sends out a signal that you still enjoy the sex. So his reaction is not bad.
     
  8. Fallingdown7

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    This statement is extremely homophobic, although I appreciate It's not what you intended. The idea that women sleeping with other women not being 'cheating' is highly sexist because it implies that women are property for men to own. That we can't have our own sexuality or desires without men. It's a stone age way of thinking. When men are fine with 'allowing their lesbian girlfriends to experiment' It's not out of concern or love. It's out of selfishness for himself and his own pleasures. It's about him turning the lesbian/bi girl into his fetish, about treating her like a sex object. It's because It's 'hot'.

    Think about it. If a straight girl was dating a muscular man, but she learned she preferred 'skinny, pretty boys' would her boyfriend support her right to experiment with another guy? Probably not, but why? Shouldn't he be willing to let her try another man out? After all, he loves her....

    It's beliefs like this that are the reason lesbians are discriminated and treated like second class citizens. We aren't a 'threat', because we're women and women are 'inferior'. Because only a dick can 'change' you.

    When in reality, men should be more threatened by women considering lesbian sex is factually more pleasurable than straight sex is, or ever will be. After all, 90% of women orgasm from lesbian sex, while less than 25% orgasm with a man....
     
  9. stocking

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    I hate how men think they own women's sexuality like everything we do is for them or about them .
     
  10. Nick07

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    Oh boy. Let's make something clear. This is not about women.

    I have been living with my partner (a man) for two decades.
    If he said during that time that he wanted to sleep with another man, I would be furious. If he said he was bi and wanted to explore that, I would feel differently.
    I have asked my partner and he feels the same. It would not be cheating, it would be an open relationship. Maybe for a limited period of time only. If he wanted to have sex with another man, it would be the end of the relationship.

    I have no idea what Paris said to her partner. But clearly, he is under impression the she doesn't want to leave. That probably makes her bi or curious in his eyes.
    If she feels lesbian, she needs to say it and leave. Those mixed signals won't do any good.

    ---------- Post added 15th Sep 2014 at 04:12 PM ----------

    For me, it's about if my partner is suddenly interested in people of the same gender as me (big no), or the opposite gender (negotiable).
     
  11. paris

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    Thank to all of you for your comments. (*hug*)
    @Nick07 I think you're right. I spoke to him shortly today and it seems to me that he really thinks I'm either bi or bi curious, and also that what I feel is just about sex. I need to make that clear. Even though I stopped sleeping with him he obviously believes it's just some kind of a phase that will pass eventually.
     
  12. Fallingdown7

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    The thing is, while that's fine for you, if you don't view it as cheating on both sides, It's kind of hypocritical to me and implies that the genders aren't equal. I would be fine with this belief that 'being with a woman is okay' as long as being with a man was okay for the partner as well, but it isn't in most cases. People can have preferences for different kind of men too and have a need to experiment and explore that in a relationship.

    It's also obvious that the OP was highly bothered by his statement, which is why I thought your reply was a bit insensitive. The idea that It's okay to explore with women SHOULD be seen as 'accepting' from the boyfriend's side, but a lot of lesbian/bi girls take offense because we live in a phallocentric society and we constantly feel that our sexual experiences are not validated to the same level.
     
  13. waterfall

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    I think he's acting the way I would expect any person to act that has been blindsided with this new information. He's going to go through all the stages of grief because even though he is in denial right now, he knows he has lost the person that has been his love for years. Eventually he will come to terms but if he never even suspected that this was a possibility he needs time to sort through his feelingsā€¦.try to be understanding and not so defensive.
     
  14. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    I really think you are confusing the normal human reaction to loss, for homophobia and discrimination. I agree with Nick07 when he asked what did you expect from your coming out to him? I'm sure this is painful for him and people don't always react the way we want them to, when there are strong emotions and fear of the loss of a loved one.
     
  15. Fallingdown7

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    If that was the case it wouldn't bother me, but we can't forget the fact that many straight men objectify lesbians and don't believe their sexuality is 'real' or 'threatening' since we live in a society where women's sexuality is dependent on men and penis
     
  16. stocking

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    He's probably thinking he can have sex with the women she dates as well and have a 3some not all straight men are like that but most of them think girl girl relationships are all fun and games until the woman their dating or married to have feelings for the women their with then they start freaking .
     
  17. waterfall

    waterfall Guest

    Stocking- maybe I'm missing something that Paris said but I see NO mention of him wanting to have a threesome. You are doing to heterosexuals exactly what you don't want them to do to us. You are stereotyping and losing sight of the fact that all men do not think that lesbian relationships are all about sex. Human beings are very complex and the way they cope is individual. Please don't perpetuate the conception that lesbians are man-haters, that only gives fuel to a false perception that has been born out of ignorance.
     
  18. Nick07

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    I think stocking is answering a different post by mistake. I am surprised by the hate some lesbians show towards men though.
    I think that it is caused by insecurity and low self-esteem.

    On the other hand, I have a hard time to sympatize with some married gay men. I guess we all have some touchy subjects that cause us to react not reasonably.
     
  19. Fallingdown7

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    I don't know about everyone else here, but I am not a man-hater. I 'bash' straight women just as much in some of my posts considering they can be abusive and sexual threats to lesbians as well in the same way straight men are (if not worse). It's not to say that all straight men or women are bad, but if I came out to a boyfriend and he said 'it wasn't cheating' I would assume he didn't take my sexuality seriously, and I don't want the OP to be in that position.

    I hope if she's still with him that she put a stop to sleeping with him since It's going to give him second thoughts about her sexuality and cause a cycle
     
  20. TeaTree

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    Hi, sorry for reviving an old thread here, but this is something very similar I'm going through, with my boyfriend I mean. I am planning to tell him about my hmm.. questioning...and I'm pretty afraid because he is also my "we share everything" type of best friend, and in our relationship of 8 years I kind of isolated myself from my old friends, as we were so close.
    Also had issues with getting closer to women, that's before I started to recognize to myself that I might be gay, and I think mostly because I was afraid I will get too close to them, and lose it (I always tried to control myself in my friendships with women, so all these friendships started to feel like a chore and I was playing an exhausting role of somebody else in them).
    So I think my boyfriend would react similarly, but cannot know for sure, before I'll talk to him...
    Anyway, I was really curious what happened with you and your boyfriend, if you want to talk about it, of course. :slight_smile: