i'm bi but what is it too late for me to go back now?

hi guys. i'm bi. i can be attracted to both men and women. until i was in my early 30s, i only had contact with women. nothing with guys. then i started exploring my sexuality around that time and although there's been limited dating with guys, i know i can be attracted to both. it's taken me a LONG time to deal and accept the male attraction. my counselors suggested that i started to live authentically and stop compartmentalizing my life. in fact they all said that. they said that what i had been doing wasn't working and that i was miserable and that i should start "owning" myself more. well i had been to gay stuff (bars, clubs, gay get-togethers, gay house socials, etc.) but maybe i had never really "owned" being there are being comfortable with that. well in an effort to be more "authentic" i came out to some close friends and associates over the years as bi-curious/questioning and was accepted. it had been too much stress to keep hiding and shifting from the "why aren't you married, dating, questions, and i didn't have the energy to keep it up anymore."


well one lady friend i came out to introduced me to another guy that was gay and i thought ok, this could be great to have gay friends but it was risky to come out to her because she hold sterotypical views of gays but says she is comfortable with gays. but it seems in a sterotypical sense. maybe that is my own perception. well we all hung out and there were a few other people that did not know my situation when we hung out but knew me and her gay friend had a few gay friends with him as well. so it was very hard for me to pretend to be "straight" and not talk join in when the guys were talking about certain gay venues and stuff. it was clear that the gay friends thought or assumed i was gay and the straight friends who did not know about me likely thought i was gay too but my friend asked me a question at the dinner table at the restaurant we were at the made me feel umcomfortable because she asked me something that would let the other straight friends i knew know that i was gay. i just said we can talk about it later. i felt outted but im sure the straight friends already assumed i was gay anyway based on how the gay guys were interacting with me and the conversations i was having with them (they asked me about gay clubs and stuff).

so in a way, the i felt outted but i only outted myself because i should not have told her in the first place or when we first met i could had pretended to be "straight" and act like i did not know what the gay guys were talking about. but i just felt like i was tired of lying or hiding. also again, one of the gay guys there knew my situation already since i had talked to him before. when we got to the restaurant he asked me something gay and tried to clean it up since he wasn't sure if i was comfortable or not and i just answered his question. i guess i was making a stance that i was more comfortable than i actually was. by him trying to "clean it up" he was basically saying: "oh i'm sorry i wasn't sure if you were comfortable talking about being gay/bi in front of others or not." and by me just answering his question, it let him know i was ok with it. but i really wasn't but inside i just did not feel like hiding and lying all night and i also could have missed out on my opportunity to find out about other gay stuff and meet new gay people. so i just went along with things.

in a way, i felt good about not lying or trying to "play straight" and it was a relief and the guys gave me info on other things to do where gay people were. but i also felt scared that the straight people would tell other mutual friends and start rumors about me. since gay dating hasn't really worked out for me and i'm Bi, i have been wondering if i should just date women since i know i can and can be happy but now i'm scared that there will be all these rumors about me and that i have ruined my own reputation or possiblity to go back to having a straight life.

what do you think?

 

Hi all. Im have some real hard time accepting and the pote tial for other closer people that know me from back home can find out im getting nervous and scared and feelimg like a failure. My worlds are colliding and i want it to stop. I felt safer in hiding. When the onlybperaon that knew out this duality was me in my head. The more i try and be authentic the more petrified and depressed i am. Sure people can live their own lives but i dont want to be abnormal. I want to be 100percent straight. I know its stupid because what if i met a great guy and fell in love. I surely couldnt hide him. People would know eventually. Im scared to be bi and what it means to my lofe and how my friends and family perceive me. Being asexual was safer and felt lonely but more safe.

 

Thanks all. Some days i feel like "who cares just live your life" others days i feel like a disgrace to my famiky and a horrible person and that i should be straight and perfect and normal like everyone else. I also feel this insormountable weight and duty to keep this a secret for fear of it being outted to everyone later on down the road which really scares me that people would see me as gay. I am afraid of that. Being asexual seemed safer but gosh so unfullfilling. Exploring seemed scary and at times great fun at bars or clubs and then at other times great guilt and shame.i wish there was a way to be like everyone else and i am very concerned with what others thinknof me more than what i thinknof myself.