hate myself

All I can say is that these are the worst feelings in the world, and that I have felt them too.

I guess the psychologically healthy perspective is that living your life in this way means that those people are still winning, since you are the prisoner of their prejudice. But easier to say that than to truly accept it.

There are no words for this anger and frustration and shame. I hope you can find your way through it.

 

Hey Frlldbklvr45, welcome to EC!

What you're feeling is normal, but nerdbrain said it well: if you're still affected by these feelings, you are still trapped in that whole scenario. It is very true that we may not remember details from the past about what was said to us, but we will always remember how people made us feel.

20 years on, most of them would probably deeply regret what they did if they were confronted today with how they made you feel (I hope so, for the sake of humanity!) . Most likely however, they have forgotten what they did to you.

The path toward coming out is primarily one of letting go; of the past and of illusions. Just let it go (I know, easier said than done), call it "experience", and in all of that, try to find a way to forgive them (this is not for them, but for you), and most of all, to forgive yourself.

You did not have a say in what orientation you have, this is essential to understand. Top it off with the shame that you felt, and the desire to avoid that at all costs, and you can understand that a lot of us, myself included, made the choice to marry and have kids.

Consider that you have gained something important from your marriage and being a parent, this will never leave you. You know more than others what it is like to love and live with those you love, that is a treasure you can take with you as you embark on this new path.

We are here to listen, post often, and let us know how it goes...

 

I can really relate. I felt suicidal a few times because of the guilt and self hatred. My husband is incredible and has teminded me that it is not my fault. It is very hard for me to believe it but there are lots of readons that it is not an easy choice to be true to yourself. For me i have very little support and sn upbringing and past that influenced the choices i made. Thats not to avoid seeing that they were mychoices ultimately but cutting myself some slack. I didnt ever set out to hurt anyone. It is a common struggle even for those who didnt try to do the straight thing.

 

It's not your fault! You are just another victim of the homophobic hetero-normative society we older people were brought up in. You did what you were told was the "right thing" to do, you have two beautiful kids you love as a result, and now you are trying to accept the situation you were coerced into by a lot of people who were acting like the bigoted assholes they were. Don't be so hard on yourself; it is just the way the world was for most of us. Please remember that It's not your fault!; it is just fallout from the way the world was. Make it a better place for your children by accepting them for whoever they are.

 

I had a weird experience like this the other night, someone made an offhanded (but harmless, oddly non-offensive) comment about my sexuality (which was mostly in assumption, I think-- like I said, everyone knows I'm gay except for me) and I kind of... socked them in the face.

There were no hard feelings after that, and me and my friend decided to forget the incident so long as neither of us ever mentioned it again.

 

I had a pretty similar situation growing up. In Jr. High/High School one of the "popular girls" and her friends taunted me endlessly about being a lesbian. At the time I had no idea of my own sexuality, so I denied their accusations. Literally every day, "Are you a lesbian?" "Cause you look like one." "Why were you staring at me?" Spitballs. Taunts as I walked down the hall. And so on. Even physical threats here and there, though fortunately it never went much beyond verbal taunting, but what little self esteem I had was pretty much in shreds. I later heard that a couple of girls in my gym class, where the worst of it occurred, felt bad for me. Nice, but, why didn't they do anything about it? :rolle:

So you can imagine that like you, when I did come across "evidence" that I was in fact gay, I pushed it way way down. There was a lot of pain and shame associated with it. Now that I'm finally allowing myself to "see" those feelings and acknowledge them I was at first filled with feelings of anger. The anger was that those girls, especially that one girl, was right. That she, this terrible person who taunted me, knew more about myself than I did, and somehow that gave her power over me all over again.

But what I realized was this- the truth is that *me* hiding and feeling shame over my sexuality is what was giving her power. As greatwhale said, it's likely this girl doesn't even remember me anymore, even though she had a profound impact on my life. I'm the only person giving her any kind of power, by still living with the pain and shame she imposed on me. To acknowledge and become ok with this aspect of myself, that's my way of taking that power back and regaining control.

 

Hi,

I know testosterone and estrogen have profound effects on behavior but man females can be emotionally vicious, while being emotionally vulnerable.

I have heard many gay men complain about the treatment they get from lesbians too.

I do not understand.

I have a straight friend that has pointed out female posturing to me as part of male attention seeking totally lost on me as a gay man.

Wish I understood but don't. Just naive to this as I never paid it attention.

 

Thank you for sharing. This thread has helped me also.

 

I can relate in every way. And I hate it too. But even if they were right (at the age of 44 I am now accepting im gay) - they were not right. Because when they called me gay, (and many other names and cruel deeds) they meant it as an insult, they meant it as less than human, below them. They are wrong. Being gay does not mean any of those things. It is not something to be ashamed of.

You are beautiful the way you are. Don't let their hatred infect your soul.
I have found therapy to be incredibly helpful in working through the feelings of shame.
I wish you well in the days to come.

 

Its very easy to hate your self. Knowing you could of done better or ones around you are not compassionate towards you in your life. That is a sad struggle when ones want to be heard but feel they are lost in their sad life.