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Anxiety/depression after latent coming out?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Londongirl32, Sep 15, 2014.

  1. Londongirl32

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    Hi there,

    I was just wondering if anyone might be able to help with some confusing feelings I've been having. I am 32 years old and I have always had feelings for both men and women - and probably more fantasies about women - but I suppressed them for many years and presented as straight. Then in December I met a fantastic girl and fell in love. The sex is amazing, she is so lovely and funny and interesting and kind etc and we've had a really intense 9 months together. I introduced her to all my friends very quickly and came out to my family after 4 months and they've accepted her far more quickly and easily than I thought.

    But while I love her, it seems to have pushed me into a weird place, where I wake up in the middle of the night with waves of anxiety rushing over me - I feel so scared and unsure about the whole situation. I don't know whether a) I have had bad relationships in the past with guys and I'm transferring the feelings of loss of control; b) if I am supposed to be with her and I'm just scared as it's unchartered territory - and perhaps I have internalised some kind of homophobia, by repressing my true feelings for women for so long, or c) if I'm making a terrible mistake and I am leading her on when I can't commit to her as I'm not really capable of building a life with a woman?

    There are times when she does things that make me feel we're not right for each other, and other times when I feel she's far too good for me (I've been having therapy to deal with low-self esteem, and have been having confidence problems at work) - and both of these things seem to make the panic worse. I feel very out of control and have even been put on anti-depressants for the first time.

    I'm quite level headed about most things but I really feel like I'm in a proper tailspin about this, and not sure the best thing to do. When I'm with her I feel a real connection, and we have so much in common I feel like if this anxiety and fear would go away I would feel better - but is it with me for a reason? They say to trust your gut and mine is saying RUN, but why should I run from someone who is really all I've been looking for? I wrote a Dear John letter the other day but couldn't go through with it.

    I guess what I wanted to ask was - have other people who've come out later in life been through similar experiences? I have some lesbian friends but not many who are in similar situations - all seem quite confident of their identities. My gf - although identifying as bisexual - has been through all this many years ago (she is older and also came out at 16) and just tells me to "stop worrying and just be". I wish I could.

    Hopefully some one can give me some good advice?
     
  2. CyclingFan

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    Hi,

    You mention that you've been seeing a therapist to help with low self esteem. Have you brought up these specific things with with her or him?

    These are hard, complex emotions you are dealing with here and it is tough to suss it out under optimal circumstances.
     
  3. Clearvision

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    Maybe it gets scary when you start to feel committed. I know i wanted to commit but i had similar feelings in my first relationship with a woman. It was all so intense and incredible. I also get scared something will go wrong when things are good. Or perhaps you just need to slow down a little catch your breathe. Just some ideas to explore.
     
  4. Londongirl32

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    Thanks to you both. Yes, she knows all about my issues and is super supportive. But it makes things feel uneven - she says she knows how to not get depressed and her confidence seems unshakeable, which makes me feel more like the screw up. I know I should just stop worrying and just enjoy it but I still feel out of control. Good to know it's not just me...
     
  5. Really

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    Could you just "logic" it out? What I mean is, take the emotion out of it for a minute.
    Objectively.

    1) I doubt you could be leading her on. Either you're having a good time and good sex or you're not. Your body is not making up it's responses. It's enjoying itself. Therefore, you are too.
    2) She says she's cool with you, right? I doubt she'd say that if she was unhappy. In a way you wouldn't notice, anyway.
    3) When you say she's done things to make you think you don't belong together, does she actually say that or are you interpreting? You're different people so you'll have differences.
    Likes, dislikes, strengths, weaknesses, interests, skills, experiences, etc.
    It would be kind of boring if you were too similar, no? There'd be nothing to learn about eachother, for one thing.

    Maybe write down the things she does or says that make you panic and how they make you feel and then ask her to take a look so she can tell you how she meant you to feel at the time. I'll bet they won't be as bad as you're imagining.
     
  6. shy75

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    Were you out at all as bisexual before you met your girlfriend? Just wondering because I have read a couple of books recently about coming out later in life and it seems that it can take (depending on the person of course) a couple of years to really become comfortable with a new sexual identity. So maybe nothing wrong with the relationship but just not comfortable with your new identity?
     
  7. Tightrope

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    I saw this earlier and thought I'd add something, even though someone has touched on it already. I think it's that you're suddenly dealing with being in a situation that's more committed and more intense. Some people go from one relationship to another without any problem. Some people take a long time to get adjusted to being committed and exclusive to another person. And then a few people are just not good at relationships.

    Like anything else such as being in a new city or at a new job, being in a new relationship is a stressor. There's no doubt about that. This does sound like it's very stressful for you, but possibly because of the intensity you're not accustomed to.

    For now, you can just keep going forward and see where it goes. Your sexual preference as you describe it may be a fly in the ointment, but it need not be. Oftentimes, it's about the person and the chemistry and if this person you've met makes you happy, then you're in a good spot. I wish you both the best of luck with this.