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Miracle...?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by skiff, Sep 16, 2014.

  1. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    For a year I played at dating sites and apps. I deleted all the accounts and software a couple months back (useless), but recently re-entered one chat (ha ha "chat") app and one dating site.

    I am not serious about it... More like watching "I Love Lucy".

    It is a MIRACLE if people ever find anything...

    They are all perfect specimens seeking other perfect specimens (all younger than the other). Meanwhile you are informed of how they want it.

    Even funnier are the personals in that national online flea market. That is the dregs of the dregs who are comfy saying "I want anonymous sex. Anybody?"

    Based on these sites and apps... How sad a situation.

    It is to laugh for crying.

    Tom
     
  2. Chip

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    I was just reading an article about how one of the major hookup apps is really transforming dating and relationships for gay men (and not in a good way.)

    All of the people I know who are seeking healthy relationships have either never installed or have deleted the hookup apps and stayed away from all of the gay dating sites.

    I absolutely believe -- and have seen evidence -- that it is quote possible for gay men to meet and develop meaningful, relatively healthy relationships. I have very, very rarely ever heard of such a relationship arising from one of the hookup apps or gay dating sites.

    Most of the healthy relationships I know of have arisen from finding connections in more natural circumstances -- going to activities where one would typically find gay men who are not there to look for relationships, and forging bonds of friendship first, or meeting people and talking to them on Facebook or through mutual friends. But a lot of gay men don't have the patience for that sort of thing and hence the hookup culture and the apps that support it... which is sort of depressing.
     
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    I know it is easy enough to make straight male friendships in natural ways. I can only assume a numbers game.

    I agree... Dating sites and apps only have amusement value only. As if a train wreck is amusing.

    Tom
     
  4. Spaceman

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    I'll be the counter point here. I ended up in an exclusive relationship with a guy I met on one of the apps. He was kind and sexy and I had a lot of wonderful gay "firsts" with him...first pride, first public kiss, first overnight in a hotel. It wasn't love and it ended after four months, but we're still friends and I have no regrets.
     
  5. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Problem is for every one story like yours there are a thousand bad experiences.

    I am not looking for "firsts" personally, I am looking for a stable guy to date. The difference between experimenting and settled in.

    I am happy it worked it for you.
     
    #5 skiff, Sep 17, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2014
  6. Choirboy

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    Well, as you said in another thread...."So don't build a new closet of negativity. Question. Be open. Learn." Instead of thinking that for every good experience that someone has, there are a thousand bad ones, consider that for every thousand bad experiences, there's at least one good one--and that one good experience could be the very next one you have.

    There's an old saying that "If you look for the bad in a person, you are sure to find it". Are there an inordinate number of gay men looking for meaningless hookups? Into drugs? Irresponsible and uncaring? Absolutely. If you go places where people like that congregate, it's not going to be pretty, and if your main motivation is finding a relationship, you're going to be disappointed. But if you seek out like-minded people for friendship and fun, you're much more likely to find people you'll be compatible with, and a relationship could flow naturally from the friendship. It's basic networking. After all, even a straight friend might have a gay brother or cousin who has similar interests and attitudes, so don't tie yourself down to just meeting gay men.

    Friendship--and love--can be found in the most unlikely places, speaking from experience. If what you're doing isn't working, the logical next step is, do something else. You may have to chisel through a lot of rock to find a vein of gold, true, and it's not easy. But you're not ever going to find that vein of gold at all by wading through a manure pit. We can't blame all our miseries on societal pressures. Sometimes it's not society making us miserable. Sometimes we do it to ourselves by allowing bitterness and loneliness to take over, and by setting unrealistic expectations, and thinking that happiness will find us, instead of the other way around.
     
  7. Spaceman

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    Yes, the apps have no shortage of sleazy guys looking for hookups, but there are others who are legitimately wanting to build friendships and find relationships. I found you can get a good feel for people pretty quickly by chatting with them. If they turn out to be a dud, you'll know soon enough and they're easy to ignore.

    The guy I dated wasn't the only friend I've made though the apps. I also met a guy who lives in my apartment complex. He's an educated professional and we have dinner a couple times a month and talk for hours about life, politics, relationships...and he's introduced me to other local gay folks he knows. I met another guy who was interested in being more than friends and I wasn't. He took it hard at first but got over it and we've developed a good friendship.

    Maybe my experience isn't typical, but this has been the primary way I've been able to get to know other gay guys in my area since coming out.
     
  8. looking for me

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    i made a decision when i realized that i wanted to come out that i would not use the "dating" sites or the chat rooms for a serious relationship or "hookups" as that isnt what i want in life at this stage. i want friends first and if a relationship comes out of that perfect, if not i still have my friend.

    spaceman; that you have found a community on the apps is so fantastic. i hope i can find a community in my own way.
     
  9. bottomsup

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    I daresay where one lives affects the clientele one finds a bit also.
    lots of old farmers round here! Phwooar.
     
  10. OGS

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    I never tried any of the apps or online stuff but that's probably mainly because it's been like 17 years since I "dated." The online dating had started back when I was dating but I never saw the point--there were so many great guys to meet in person that I wasn't sure why I would want to do the whole typing to meet someone thing. If my situation had been different--if I really had had a hard time meeting face to face guys I suspect I would have at least tried it.

    The thing is any venue you use to look is likely going to be disappointing, in some fashion--especially if you really are looking for some variation on "the one." I mean statistically speaking the odds are against meeting "the one" in bars or dating sites or apps, definitely. But statistically speaking the odds are against meeting them in church or the grocery store or at a concert or in a class--yet I know guys who have met other guys for LTRs in all those areas--yes, even bars (I met my partner of almost 17 years in a bar), apps and dating sites. There is nowhere you can go and nothing you can do where the odds are good of you finding the one and yet people find each other all the time. All you can do is find things you genuinely enjoy (all these years later I have discovered I actually enjoy online chatting so who knows maybe it would have worked for me back then--and the site that brought me to that realization is almost all straight married women:lol:slight_smile: and do them with gusto and enjoyment and eventually someone else will want to be part of it with you.
     
  11. Choirboy

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    One of the happy thoughts that gets posted on Facebook over and over is to "stop trying to FIND "the one" and start trying to BE "the one". People waste a lot of effort looking around for that special person who will make it all better for them, and often THINK that they're getting depressed and bitter because it doesn't seem to happen. Truth is, a lot of times that bitter depression is what's holding them back in the first place. No one is going to be drawn to someone who's hyper-critical and angry about the very people that they're looking for a partner in the middle of. We have to learn to be satisfied with ourselves first, and be a friend to others, rather than being on some desperate quest for "The One". The One might be right in front of us and just can't get past our own defenses.
     
  12. tscott

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    Thank you CB.

    I've know so many people that have had issues with dating apps. There are people out there that only want to trade pictures, put their junk on line, but no face pics, or are just looking for hookups. I've met two nice guys on a dating app, but just for coffee. Nothing else. I don't think anything, but a friendship will evolve. The only other friend I've met there lives in Austria. My instinct is often "run for cover" when approached on line. I don't want the complications of my recent "affairette", where the other person was investing too much, too soon. And we met through mutual friends! Needed to do more due diligence.

    I think that those of us who've been married and came out later are ill-suited to many who have always been out. We come with a different set of values and expectations of our relationships. Maybe we're hard-wired slightly differently.

    I'm tired of fantasizing of the perfect partner, worrying about where I am in life, and how will I ever meet someone who isn't flakey.

    It will happen or it won't, and if I try to make it happen I'm the flakey one.
     
  13. clovis

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    I'm tired of fantasizing of the perfect partner, worrying about where I am in life, and how will I ever meet someone who isn't flakey.

    It will happen or it won't, and if I try to make it happen I'm the flakey one.

    That is a fantastic Quote... and 100% true...

    Thanks