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Fell in love with a girl

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Snever2late, Sep 19, 2014.

  1. Snever2late

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    Hi there, I'm not really sure where or how to start. Six months ago my husband and I decided that our marriage is not working out. We have a son who is not yet two. At the same time, I fell in love with a girl. I mean, really in love. Butterflies all the time, when we are away from one another we often text each other the same thing at the same time, or I'll stop to think about her and she'll choose that moment to call or text me. Just really intense energy that we both can feel whenever we think of one another...I really feel like I've found my soulmate.

    I am scared. I have never been with a woman before this, and this girl questions my motives because of it. I grew up in a really small town, where maybe 3 women of considerably older ages were out lesbians. I have had little crushes on women before, I definitely have always tended to look a little differently at women then men, and have never had a problem saying that I thought a girl was attractive. And it was always a running joke because in college and my twenties I was constantly being hit on by other women. I never thought that I might be a lesbian. But I'd never met anyone like S before. And now I can acknowledge that maybe I got hit on by girls because I let my gaze linger just a little longer than straight girls do. I remember that when I was younger and would dream and fantasize the way a girl will, it always started consciously thinking of a boy, but by the time it got physical it was always a girls face, a girls body that would excite me.

    I feel like now that I've experienced it and mostly admitted it to myself that I've cheated myself out of some much time, so many relationships and experiences. If I had only realized...

    I'm not sure how to proceed. Or what to do. Is this kind of story normal? Am I only thinking this way because of this girl? Or is the reason I've never been truly happy or comfortable with myself because I just never realized that THIS was what was missing in my life? :confused:
     
  2. looking for me

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    i would say roll with it, if you two have such an insync connection you have something to hang your hat on.
     
  3. jay777

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  4. CoyoteCalling

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    It didn't happen for me that way, but I've heard from others that falling in love triggered their self discovery. You sound like you have a pretty lucid view of your desires past and present. Definitely check out the thread jay777 recommended.
     
  5. Snever2late

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  6. Nara563

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    I hear ya, Snever2Late,
    I mean, I always knew my liking girls was there-I did all the expected things and was miserable…I thought of women as beautiful more as an expression of "art and beauty", but once I got really close to a woman (who really mind-f@#!ed me) I can't deny that I like girls. A LOT.
    I feel like as I get older, the more I can be "true" to myself the happier and more whole and healed I can live my life…so I want to see where it goes…
    My different bit of the story is that my husband and I always have been polyamorous, so thankfully I don't have to lose him to explore women…it took a long time to get comfortable with that status, but it works for me now. At least in theory. I haven't gotten near another girl in three years-since that one broke my heart…but I'd like to explore. Problem is I too don't know where to start and really don't want to go back to awkward school-girl phase…
    Ah if only it were as easy as on TV!
    Glad to be here!!
     
  7. Snever2late

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    I understand what you're saying Nara563. I'm enjoying this for what it is right now, and I'm the type of person to just throw caution to the wind and let my heart be broken, if that's what is going to happen. Maybe it won't, I really hope it won't.

    But if it does, then what do I do? It's taken me 32 years to find a girl I connect with like this. If this is who I am, if I'm actually a lesbian, how am I supposed to meet someone else. Where do people meet? Especially people with toddlers...like wouldn't you just assume seeing me with my son that I'm straight?

    I hope you find someone that will make you feel comfortable exploring that side of you. We all deserve to experience our true selves, however long that takes. I know that feeling of being "whole and healed." I feel that, when I am with this girl I feel complete. And I don't think all of it is her. I think it's the feeling of living my truth and not hiding anymore. I go from being guarded and anxious to just feeling such abundant joy. It's a wild emotional roller coaster ride though, for sure.
     
  8. HTBO

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    you should consider jay777's suggestion, we talk about this a lot on that thread.
    And yes, it has happened to many of us. There is no point in thinking what if you'd known earlier or what you missed out on because you can't change it, just look towards the future.
    And I know how you feel!! To fall in love with someone that way is unbelievable and feels so good and right. Go with it, it's what I'm doing and I have never been this happy. I was actually thinking today how I'm happy that I have never fallen in love before, and happy that the person I do love now is my first, I feel like I"ve been waiting and looking for her and finally found her. Anyways, that's me. My advice is embrace it, go for it and forget about what you missed out on because what's important is what you have right now :slight_smile:

    And just so you know, she also has 2 young children who without ever meeting them I am completely willing to accept because they are a part of her. Try not to overthink too much, life has a way of working itself out. I came out of a straight marriage because at 37 I realized I was gay and I have kids and it all began with an intense crush. I felt lost and confused and didn't know what to expect but what I found was more than I could ever have hoped for. We're friends at the moment, but she knows I love her. She is someone who needs time to process and to get to my level and I will wait for her to do that:wink: She's the one I want. When I first came out I used to think of all the possibilities and missed opportunities, etc., a whole new world. Now I don't care about any other possibilites or missed opportunities because there is only one person I want, and she is worth waiting for. Maybe this woman you love will work out and I hope for you it does, and if it doesn't, you will find what you are looking for, it does happen. Pay attention to others and pay attention and listen to yourself. Now that you know how you can feel about a woman, you won't forget that feeling.
     
    #8 HTBO, Sep 20, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 20, 2014
  9. Nara563

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    I hear what you're saying….
    But, there's always the option to spend sometime alone. It's really GOOD to have periods in your life with no partner..I know we all think we need one or we'll die, and lord knows I avoided that for a LONG time-it's hard to be 39 and realize you've never been alone…but it's not a bad thing and if we are ok with being alone then we won't rush the "wrong" thing…you know? Maybe the perfect person is down the road a year or ? and we have to be open and ready…
    I think one of the best things I've learned is if it's good, it can get better, and if it's bad it will probably get worse, but either way, it's OK. We'll survive and we'll learn and we'll grow.
    But yeah WHERE do people meet besides bars?!
    I would love to just have gay/bi friends to hang out with to discuss things…but alas, i live in a conservative small town… Eh, life is good anyway!
     
  10. DancingGirl

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    Hello ladies. Yes DancingGirl is the flesh. Well not really. Anyway. I have to agree with a period of being alone. I have yet to tell my husband. But when I do, I want to spend some time getting to know me. I can say that I have made some serious headway moving past my ever present need to be near my crush. She rejected me and I have figured out I am better off. So with that realization, I know now I want to spend some time getting to know my queer self. Get back in touch with who I am. To all out there facing this kind of dilemma I wish you luck.
     
  11. waterfall

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    DancingGirl that is exactly where I am! I need to step back and get to know myself!
    Someday I hope I will be able to look back on my first crush without feeling a pang of pain in my heart. I am glad it is over but it is still so hard. I am just going to try to enjoy my life and my new found me. Like you, I need to figure out my present situation with my husband….it's so complicated! I wish you luck too DancingGirl, you have been one of the posts I always go to for support!
     
  12. DancingGirl

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    Waterfall, it feels good to discover ones self. I decided to start to week with a new haircut. Started a cleanse to and made a promise to myself I would start doing yoga again. I will find me again. I know I am in there. Good luck glad I can be here for any support needed. Keep in touch.
     
  13. Snever2late

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    You're right ladies, maybe a period of time alone with my son is what I need. My crush just broke my heart. She made the right decision, really, and decided that until she breaks up with her girlfriend she can't have such an intense relationship with another person. And I respect that, as much as it hurts. Although to be honest I flew a little (lot) of the handle and said a whole bunch of things in a way I shouldn't have done. I figure if I give her a reason to leave all the way, then it wouldn't feel like I wasn't enough. That didn't really work, lol, but now she's gone gone. The same day she decided she had to stop, my husband found the divorce paperwork I had printed out. I really need to stop dating Cancers. Especially at the same time...

    I digress. Clearly there are things going on with me that make me not whole at the moment, and all my energy needs to be on just getting to a happy place and being there for my son. After that I can move forward in trying to establish a healthy, loyal, real relationship with someone.

    She keeps swimming in my head though. The way she looked, the things she said, and that energy still flings back and forth between us when we are in the same room...man. That girl is everything.
     
  14. Biotech49

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    Snever2late - I didn't fall in love then realize I was a lesbian but I did know I was a lesbian all along but played the hetero until I was nearly 50. I came out and friends set me up with a former high school classmate. We lived 100 + miles apart but texted a lot and talked on the phone. I never did get to touch her. She had been diagnosed with a vicious type of intestinal cancer two years prior and was having health problems related to that. She didn't want me to see that part of her (the sick part) so I never went to the "big city" to see her. I basically fell in love with her and it was too much for her to handle. I did the same things you did - saying things I shouldn't have said, doing things I shouldn't have done... One day she just quit communicating so I went on my merry way, hurt as hell but better for it. She died in November of last year. It was probably best that I didn't get involved.

    I moved on and met another girl a few months later, online, whom I'm still seeing. I can't say "I love you" to her though I think I do love her. I'm so afraid to say anything that might force her away from me. I'm afraid to be intense. Is she waiting for me to make a move? A failed relationship make you really rethink yourself and sometimes you see doom in everything. How healthy is this (my) relationship when both of us were hurt so badly by our exes?

    There will be a girl who is everything again. I say that with bated breath, hoping for you and hoping for me that whoever that girl is, she will make herself known.
     
  15. Nara563

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    Oooh, I hear ya! I blocked my crush via every avenue possible but would still unblock her to look at her photo once in a while, and the one time I ran into her at a mutual event, BAM the energy! Dang! I moved several hours away, in part to get out of the area of that energy, so I could quit running into her. Now it's been…three years, and it doesn't effect me any more. But it takes a long time to wear off...:rolle:

    But I realize I DID learn a lot from that whole thing…and it helped me to un-peel a few layers so I could work on a few more..so it was a necessary step, and so hopefully if someone new comes along I will be better prepared to be cautious about unhealthy people and also be healthier FOR that other person…it's the whole "gotta love/heal yourself before you can love/heal another person"…
    And thankfully other things come along in life to take up that space. Good things. :slight_smile:
     
  16. Snever2late

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    Wow, I can't believe I missed these last two posts!

    Biotech49--I'm so sorry about your friend, both for the way things worked out and for her passing....I'm sure it must have been hard to hear about. I can understand your hesitation with your current girlfriend, after having thrown your whole self emotionally into the previous relationship. It does really make you feel like you have to put up walls, or hold yourself back from giving everything that you can. But then, don't you end up questioning if it's you or if it's the relationship? I don't know. Maybe you both are healing one another, and when it's right things will click for you both and you'll feel comfortable and right opening up to her in that way. I wish love and healing for you (*hug*)

    Nara563, do you still run into or maintain contact with this girl? It is just like you say though, the energy. And the blocking, shoot. I have blocked and unblocked this girl so many times. I just sit looking at my phone sometimes, willing myself not to pick it up and lurk on her page :tears:

    Actually, I'm looking for advice. It has been a while since She and I had this conversation, and we didn't speak for maybe a day or two. Since then, we agreed to be friends, like completely Platonic relationship.

    It is completely impossible. That energy keeps flying back and forth. I'll remember something about her or something we did, and she instantly texts me that she feels me thinking about her. Sometimes even about what. How ridiculous is that?

    I went through and deleted her number, deleted her pictures, all the screenshots I had taken of messages, the messages themselves, everything. I swore I wouldn't contact her unless she contacted me.

    All day, every day again. We spend most of our day and nights texting. At first it was just random things but then she started talking about the energy, and saying that she wants to kiss me to test if it's real (she won't actually do it), or that she wants to spend the day cuddling with me, or that she misses me or that she loves me. I try to remain neutral, but sometimes I slip. When I tried to get her to meet me in public for ice cream the other day, she told me that she can't spend time with me in person because she can't trust herself not to be physical with me. Basically we can text 24/7 but not even spend an hour together in public because she can't resist our attraction. I told her at one point that if/when she changes her mind about breaking up with her girlfriend I'll be here. But I feel like that was a mistake, not only because it gives her all the control but because it doesn't force her to accept that by not choosing to be with me she'll lose me. I've basically committed to be there for her in any way she needs at any time. I enjoy talking to her, clearly, but I want more. Am I selling myself short? Should I wait to see what happens with her, or should I just cut her out if she doesn't love me enough to choose me now? Arghhhh. I'm so confused. :help:
     
  17. HTBO

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    What it really comes down to, and I know this is the difficult part, but what do you want to do? I understand in a way how you feel. I have a friend that I fell in love with, and even though she isn't married, she wasn't emotionally available. I thought the same way you did and tried not to think about her or talk to her, and I was not very successful with that and began talking to her more than before and began be completely honest with her about how I felt. I couldn't let her go and I knew the risk I was taking for my self by letting myself go and completely falling for her. I have tried many times just to allow myself be friends with her and nothing more and wait until when she was emotionally available and to be there for her whatever she needed. I took that risk, and I still am taking it right now. She has, however, become much closer to me than before, and I think she's even begun to care about me the way I do about her. I don't know if this is in my head because I want it to be, but I am a very cautious person, and I'm pretty sure she has begun to let go as well which brings us even closer. I don't know where it will lead and if it ever will, but she means so much to me that even if I was able to be just friends with her, it's still worth it because for the first time I love in a way I never knew was possible, and I experience life in a whole new way, and she's someone who brings out all of the good in me. Maybe we will end up together, and I think if she allowed that to happen, then we can have something very special because we connect on every level and it is so obvious that we do. Even she can't deny that one. So, I guess for you what I was trying to say is it depends what you want. Are you willing to risk putting yourself out there and never getting what you want? Do you believe and feel that you two are meant to be together (I feel this very much)? How long are you willing to wait? Is she the one for you, do you truly believe she is and again, What do you want to do? If it's too hard, and you can't follow through with being there no matter what, then let her go no matter how hard it is. It's only going to get worse as your feeling deepen, I know this. I also know that I had to do a lot of thinking before coming to the conclusion that regardless of what happened between us I love her and I will always love her and I am not leaving her even if it means she will never reciprocate. It seems to be moving in a positive manner for me, and it may for you, but you need to decide how far are you willing to go, how long are you willing to wait, and how much of yourself and your feelings are you willing to give. I know probably not the advice you want to hear, but there is no easy solution when it comes to love. It's either you will let it happen and see where it goes or you will distance yourself and try to repress it.
    Why does your friend remain with her girlfriend? Do you know the answer to this, do they have any problems, is there a chance that she will leave her? You don't want her to leave her girlfriend for you because that will always be between the two of you. You want her to leave her girlfriend because it's not working between the two of them and it's over, regardless of whether you were there. Maybe she keeps behaving in the same way with you because she likes how you make her feel, and maybe it's because she feels the same way about you. I really don't know what the answer is, and as I said above, it comes down to what do you want to do. Spend some time without contact and work through these feelings and what you need and what you want and I hope you find the answer you are looking for.
     
  18. Snever2late

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    Thank you HTBO, that was actually really good for me to hear. The few people I've spoken with have said that I should just cut her out completely because she's not able to give me what I want right now. I feel, like you do, that we're meant to be together. Like I love her so fully that I can't even be upset with her for the situation because I truly think she's unhappy not being able to be with me, and also because part of the reason I love her is the reason she's making the decision to begin with. I just feel like we make each other really happy, even in this friend mode, and why would I want to give it up? Just because I want more? Wouldn't that be selfish? I just feel like, even though it's hard to wait on the sidelines, I have this peace and knowledge that sometimes we will get to be together. I don't know if this is just wishful thinking, but ever sense the beginning I've just felt confident that someday it will work itself out. I want to be there to support her through everything, like I just want to be that person that always has her back and that she can rely on for anything. It makes me happy to be that for her.

    She has been talking about breaking up with her girlfriend since before this started, like 2 years ago. The reason she decided she needs to step back from me is that she feels that all these negative feelings and disinterest in her girlfriend are a direct result of our interaction, and that if we're not acting the way we feel her relationship will get better. You're right, I don't want to be the reason she leaves her girlfriend, but I also don't necessarily want to be so available to her that she feels that she can stay with her because she's getting what is missing from that relationship from me. I feel at this point, no matter what happens, she will associate the deterioration of that relationship with the one that we have.

    I guess I do have to think about it. I know that she loves me. She's going with her head and not her heart at the moment, because she's been let down before. I really do love her so much that I just want her to let me love her and be there for her, even if it's painful not to be able to take it further. At the same time, I feel that selfish desire to back off and force her to miss me, to see how real it is on her end. However, I don't want her to feel like I'm abandoning her.
     
  19. Tallu

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    I completely understand being in emotional limbo and getting lured back in by daily contact. I'm in a situation now (long distance) where I'm trying to go cold turkey because I know there is no future. She said as much but still wants that daily contact. She can't seem to understand that my heart breaks when I hear from her ... and when I don't. It sounds though like your friend is emotionally available even if she can't be your partner right now. That is something. Feel free to write if you wish to talk. I'll be rooting for you.
     
  20. Snever2late

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    Hi Tallu,
    That's it exactly. My heart leaps when I hear from her, but I know it can't be what I want it to be. At the same time, when we're not talking I feel lonely and impatient. I'm sorry you're going through this as well, it's hard to have that pull and connection with someone and have to feel like you have to cut them out of your life for your own well being. I'd love to talk! Feel free to do the same! (*hug*)