an intense mind expansion and connection with my inner being

Had the most amazing pretend receiving sex todate.
Just pretent role playing, happens quite often, but this time with commitment, and wow, omg, brain orgasm, and I could see the inner me, curled up in a ball , defended from the world by being in an inner sphere, surrounded by chains of logic, all protected from the world, and myself, it had to hide there, as I have misstreated myself, and banished that inner me from the world ...
The logic waves and patterns parted, like moses and the sea, and I could let the light and beauty of my inner self to connect directly with my senses, the consious me , was rested and subdued from the simulated m2m sex, with our clothes on, I had a ten minute long headrush, and just omg.
Connected with the core of myself, the dormant and suppressed half, but visually not just emotionally, it surpassed all emotions, this was the inner core me life force, the emotions are a physical consiousness human aspect of life, and are physical changes in the brain, this was the core me, curled up like a fetus within my mind.
The peace and calm of my body as it cried out and with me crying.and the wife laughin....
No penetration, just wild fantasy played out, better than a dildo, theta re artificial and mean less. Have not been letting myself go with her a while as it makes me want to selfharm thinking of the hurt im going to cause, so her being ok with me, and accepting me, along with me is important to our and mainly my well being.
Am off to support group next week, first time, looking forward to it.
My big fear is not wanting her anymore, and although for sex no, at the moment, perhaps after i have had the real deal, and have sorted out an arrangement that works, i will be able to be with her properley in bed, and not in my head to much.
could be bisexual, and not gay, need to be gay to have gay sex and friends and acceptance i was thinking, but if i can have a bf, and family here, and be happy and comfortable with it, then that's the way to go, win, win. Just means having two part time lives on the go... Hmm..
Ha ha.
She is happy to have the bi bit of me, and I would still have the gay part, so even if just a long transitionary period or what have you, or permanent, (she's a great cook, and everything else) and if I can be comfortable in bed with her, which I might be able to do, easily if I have a satisfactory bf arrangement on tap...
Like that will happen yo!
Well, it will fall into place, I just need to show im stable and able, and it will happen.
Anyhow, this was me today, quite a turnaround fromyesterday crying all day inan emotional trainwreck scenario, not concerntrating driving unable to work utter hopkesa basket case, to now, happy and a future ahead, meeting all goals i have. (the self imposed responssbikities of my life mean i cant key go) , and having the cake and eating.it..
Well, the bit i wanted to share, was the vision if my inner core, last seen 23 years ago, yelling and heading to the hills to hide...
Im back baby , better and bolder than ever ! Yea baby! (!)