So do you worry about what you might lose when you come out late? I mean, I have a wife, children, family and at my age, 50, I'm afraid of being alone because I'll lose everything. I'm not sure coming out, which to me would be going in 100%, would be worth the trade off. Maybe I'm just too comfortable.
Hi and welcome to EC. I'm very proud that you have posted here at EC. I came out at 55 and yes worry was rampant! Like you I don't/didn't want to lose everything. My thoughts have been "leave her for what, who ?? being alone in an empty apartment?? But I've found that so far I've gained more than I lost. My wife and I are still together and my adult daughter is cool with it. How long we'll be together is anyones guess. And I admit maybe I'm too comfortable too... but as time goes on I grow more uncomfortable with the status quo. As the kids say lol "I feel you"! Best regards and I look forward to hearing more from you as you continue your journey.
Hi there! I was petrified, which was why it took me until about your age to even consider the possibility of coming out. I told my wife a little over a year ago, and while things are very challenging some days (this past weekend was a bitch), she's finally creeping out of denial and realizing that this isn't going to magically reverse itself, and our marriage is working towards a logical conclusion that shouldn't be too excruciatingly painful. She has the chance to be much happier with a bona fide straight guy one day, and although she complains that she'll never trust anyone again, she didn't trust me for the 20 years that I tried desperately to be her perfect husband either, so the ball's in her court. Much of her unhappiness has more to do with her own baggage than mine. My teenage daughters have both been remarkably accepting, and my extended family, friends and co-workers have generally been understanding. My oldest and I went to a college fair yesterday and we both agreed that one of the recruiters was pretty hot and his orientation was open to question. I said to her, "Why don't we both go bat our eyes at him and see which of us he bats back at?" She cracked up. Very comfortable with it. And I managed to stumble into a relationship with an incredibly special guy who has made me realize how totally different and wonderful love is when you're true to your orientation, and we see ourselves having a beautiful future together, even if we didn't discover each other until middle age. I was very comfortable being a straight spouse. Or at least I really, truly believed I was. To be honest, it was a comfortable routine that allowed me to disengage my emotions and live my life on auto pilot. Coming out felt scary and risky at first, but I've been shocked at how much of myself I had repressed over the years in an effort to maintain my straight facade, and how much more of a complete person I feel like now that I've stopped pretending. No, it's not easy. Finances are going to be tricky and all these new emotions have sent me into enough tailspins that I went on mild antidepressants to deal with it all until I get accustomed to actually feeling something. But it's a small price to pay for being true to yourself. Best of luck to you. Keep us posted on how things go over the coming weeks or months. Things can move painfully slowly or ridiculously fast. You really won't know until you take the leap, but in the end, it's worth it.
It'd challenging and frightening you're going into unknown territory Are you happy living with wife? Is living a straight life thr right thing for you? Ask yourself the hard questions and try and answer the best you can Sure it's hard being true. The truth hurts they say but living authentically is the only way to live No rush though when you're ready Hugs
Here's where things get a little complicated. I just finished some therapy because I was molested as a child, so there is something to be said for being safe. I feel safe right now. When I tentatively took steps to coming out 30 years ago, I ended up getting raped, so again, safe is good. I'm in a really good place, but I'm wondering if it might be time to be more than just safe.
In 1928, John A. Shedd published a book of adages: Salt from my Attic, with the following quotes reprinted by columnist Ed Howe in 1931: It would appear that all three quotes apply to you, yes, safe is good, especially after all that trauma, but it does induce "drowsiness". As for worrying about what's next, you are indeed carrying the burdens of yesterday's "work" and tomorrow's as well. It is too much to handle, best to carry on one day at a time. The last one is my favourite; it reminds us that life has in store so much more than we typically allow. You have discovered something essential about yourself, the fear of loss is greater than the possibility of gain, I understand that, it's normal...but there is a great wide sea out there waiting for you. Are you ready to feel the wind in your hair and to taste the salt air?
Hello gzman02 - I recognise what you are saying. I am in a similar boat and still wrestle with this. What am I losing and what will I gain? In a sense I have already lost my wife but I am keen not to lose her as a friend and ally. As for my children they are adults now and have their own lives to lead but I will always be their dad. Losing safety, security and cosiness does keep me awake in the early hours sometimes- seems like a big step. And I also want to avoid traumatising my family - they want me to stay. But what is the alternative? - dishonesty and a lack of authenticity for the rest of my life - plodding on in the same old way - I cant do that either.....
So much to think about. I used to think it was just about the sex but I'm now only starting to think otherwise. There's a guy at work I have real feelings for, one sided of course but I can't help but wonder what it would be like if they were reciprocated.
Welcome to EC, I do worry about what I will lose by coming out. (which is in process- I am out to my wife, most of my family, some colleagues and friends). There are moments when I have felt like I would lose everything, job, home, family... I am really good at projecting worse case scenarios. So far, that has not been the case. I HAVE lost- the marriage I believed I had. Having told my wife, there is no way we can go back to the life we had when we were in denial. But that really is what we had- a relationship founded on me denying a fundamental part of who I am. The image of our relationship which I cherished so much, required me to live in denial, to live a half life and say that's enough for me. Now I can see the difference. I was also molested as a teenager. I buried the experience inside for years, and have been facing it as I come out. It is complicated, confusing and painful. It has a way of resurfacing. A dear friend reminded me that the goodness of love was stolen from me by someone who used me for his own cruel purpose. But this does not make me unloveable, even though I felt that way. But that love is still there to be unearthed, and I find it as I learn to love myself. I admire your courage in facing your painful experience, even as you are seeking to face the beautiful person you are as a gay man. Take whatever time necessary to go through this process, and I would say go even slower. You have lived with a tremendous pressure inside. I hope you find the grace to not be pressured now. Today, I am even more afraid of what happens to me when I try to retreat to that old life- when I do (and I do go there) I have experienced a loss I cannot even begin to describe. It takes my breath away and fills me with grief. It is not just a denial of myself, but a negation of myself. In all of the time I lived in the closet, I did so by making myself feel like nothing deep inside. To go back to that place now, I feel it even more acutely. There is no solace in numbness for me any more. So as I consider what I can lose I need to look at all sides of the equation, and find a way forward to live- truly live, and hopefully love in a way I have not even allowed myself to do.
