Hi everyone. I need to come out to my wife (for real this time) and start planning how to end the marriage. My situation is complicated by the fact that I've been treating my gay thoughts and feelings as an anxiety disorder (HOCD) for years, and my wife has heard this story before. I'm resolved now that I need my own space to live my own life. We can't go on as if things are normal because they aren't, at least for me. I'm going to have to firmly tell her that I want out, and this notion is terrifying and heartbreaking for me. I have no "direct" evidence that I'm gay but the "circumstantial" evidence is overwhelming. I have a profound feeling that I am living a lie, and that my life and personality is constrained by this lie. Everyday activities are starting to seem like daunting obligations: going out to dinner, visiting parents, etc. I want to stay home and hide. She's been up and down this road with me a few times, as the gay feelings have broken through and caused me to question everything in my life. But each time I've backed away from leaping off the cliff. The idea of abandoning my loving marriage to pursue a life which really exists only in the fantasy regions of my mind is, on the surface, crazy. But the alternative is also crazy: trying to live a fulfilling life with this nagging truth eating me up inside. When I imagine being at home and knowing that she's not coming back, that I am totally free, I am filled with a sense of relief and peace. But when I imagine talking to her, I feel overwhelming guilt and shame -- it's not like she has ever forced me into anything, or approached me with anything but love and compassion. I feel physically sick about hurting her, especially after the endless back and forth which has already taken its toll. I am expecting anger and pain. I don't want to do it. She doesn't want me to do it. Nobody else wants me to do it. And I know that there will still be a long road ahead for me even if I do it. Accepting myself as gay and starting to adapt my lifestyle is going to be a long process, and I can only guess at how successful it will be or if I will find a truth and happiness that can replace what I will lose. I hate self-pity but I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I feel a profound sense of sadness and I just want to cry out of frustration and guilt. I know many of you have gone through something similar. Any advice or support would be appreciated.
I can tell you that its not an easy road... and I am just starting my journey... what I can tell you is that if you are feeling the way that you are feeling, you have to do it... for you. Take everyone and everything out of the equation... and look just at you. what it will mean to you to stop lying to yourself, to be able to look yourself in the mirror. Then you can look at your wife... and think about what it will mean for her, to be able to know that you are honest with her, to know that she can live her life with someone who can love her for who/what she is and in the way that she deserves. Life is hard, in so many ways... but sometimes you have to bite the bullet. A friend of mine told me this 'its like a grenade, if you don't throw it, its going to kill you' and she is 100% correct... If you need to talk... I would be happy to. Good luck
When the pain of doing nothing exceeds the fear you will act. It is inevitable. We all pass through that crucble.
Thanks Clovis, I make take you up on that. Skiff, you are right: that is the exact nature of my dilemma. My inner world is all over the map. I see my wife hanging out around the house in her jeans and sweatshirt, and I think she is such a great girl, any guy would be lucky to have her. She is everything I ever wanted in a woman. I try to think of something to say to her, just to make conversation, and nothing comes out except "How was your day?" I am anxious and want to run away like a scared little kid. I have a terrible secret that is going to destroy our lives. We have a dinner planned for tomorrow night and I'm dreading it. And then she goes out to run an errand, like everything is normal. This is surreal. I know I can't just burst out and tell her. I have to plan things out and make sure everything is taken care of. It just feels like scheming.
nerdbrain, I have been following your story and I can really relate. I'm just after finishing a relationship with some who i was really into because I was concerned that i was going to get her involved in a real messy situation. It felt like it had to be done, but it really has torn me up. I've been questioning for a long time now and I am in therapy. My therapist is focusing on a very early sexual experience I had and she feels that this has cast a shadow over my sexuality. It's an incredibly confusing and difficult time. The last few weeks have been very tough and I feel like I don't know who I am or what I am doing. I'd be interested to keep in touch.
If you don't set her free she will never know what it is like to have someone love her, in the way she deserves to be loved. I know you want to love her in that way but the simple fact is you can't. I have struggled with this for years. It can just about destroy you, if you let it go on. Be kind to her and yourself… We are here for you.
I have to agree with what clovis has said and I want to add this please take your time and think about what you are doing before you do it ,that way maybe there will be no suprises. I know you dont want to hurt anymore and you dont want to hurt her either .I am also going threw the same thing right now and I feel your pain just know that we are here and glad to talk or just listen to you
Dear nerdbrain, As I consider my experience in coming out to myself and to my wife, and as i read and listen to others stories, it seems that once the words are spoken, the actions take a life of their own, and there is little way to predict how it will go. In my case, I was not fully aware, and it came as a shock to my wife. Since you say this is not the first time it has come up in your marriage, it may be worth taking the time to be comfortable with yourself as a gay man. To think through, and find safe people to talk through how you can respond to whatever changes are thrown at you and your wife. How will it effect your mental health, your job, your finances, your household? Do you have the kind of relationship with your wife where you can just talk about it and work through a solution together? For me, I am realizing that I do not have the answers. It is so much bigger than I can handle alone. I need help, and am seeking it from every source I can find- therapy, spiritual direction, friends - gay and straight, and my wife. The common ground that they all keep pointing me towards- is learning how to live a life that is whole- and healthy. Even though I have had a good marriage, and a happy one in so many ways, there was always a part of me that was off, there was a depression that flowed like water underground. I am learning to face it. I know my wife loves me, and is is more painful than I ever could have imagined. But she also sees that I am coming alive in a way she had hoped I would. I feel it too. For me, the process is one that requires patience, and a desire to seek good for myself and my wife and son. Even though it means that our lives are no longer on the same track, we are beginning to see that we can be kind to one another, and seek to help each other be stronger in the process. I wish you both well.
Well, it looks like we are going to separate. It just came up when we went out to dinner tonight. I am shellshocked, deeply sad, and relieved all at once. Ironically, from her perspective it's not even because I'm gay; I don't even think she believes that I am. There have been some conflicts in our relationship that, to her, don't have anything to do with sexual orientation. But I'm pretty sure I've been passive-aggressively, indirectly lashing out at her due to my own frustration and pain. I guess it doesn't even matter what the reasons are. I am really glad that she is OK with it; I had imagined she would be a lot more upset. But I suppose this isn't brand new to her. We've been talking about it and saw my therapist a few times together. Over the past year or so, she has really flourished while I've become more withdrawn and routine-oriented; my way of dealing with my own distress I think. There's still a part of me that looks at this as a failure on my part: "how could you let this amazing girl go?" But there's no sense in trying to force it. I don't know what happens next. Guess it's time to go be gay or something... ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2014 at 11:20 PM ---------- Thanks everyone for your support. I'll probably be around a lot for awhile. I really feel like it's uncharted waters for me right now. ---------- Post added 30th Sep 2014 at 11:21 PM ---------- Of course; you know where to find me
Failure is perceived when something happens and when compared to some standard, it is found wanting. What standard do you subscribe to that generates this feeling of failure? Some mythical successful marriage? A beautiful and romantic long-term relationship? In the world of relationships, "success" and "failure" are both liars, principally because relationships are complex, unique and always evolving. There are no real models of successful relationships that can be applied to others, some of them seem to work well, but no one knows really how things are between two people. Appearances can be deceiving. You love and admire her, so after the pain of separation, why not see this as a metamorphosis, a rebirth of your relationship, from husband and wife to a deep and abiding friendship...
My ex and I are attempting to recast our relationship into one of husband and wife to that of friendship. We don't consider our marriage to be a failure. How many couples last as long and as relatively happy with each other as we did? Pretty rare. And honestly, it was our friendship that brought us this far, and if anything, this has only deepened that in some ways, even as we've both found new liberation. It's uncharted waters, and we've had to be careful at times not to start to get too close again at particular times, yet sometimes the hard things are the most rewarding.
While I wouldn't encourage anyone to have extramarital entanglements, it does seem like this part is missing. I'm not saying that you should go have anonymous sex and screw your brains out, but at some point that question has to get answered. It would be a shame to go through all this upheaval only to discover that what you thought to be true, wasn't.
The thing is though for lots if people the sex won't answer anything if they're missing the understanding of who they are. I was one of them. The sexual experiences I'd had with men both drunk and sober only added to the confusion as they were far from what id imagined and never compared to what I'd envisioned. I'd think 'well there it is, guess I'm not into guys" and then eventually the thoughts would start to consume me. That was a cycle that didn't change until I accepted myself, any contact I've had since has been on a complete different level.
Yeah, this one is quite a pickle. As I mentioned in a previous post, I hired a rentboy last week and that experience was decidedly underwhelming. I have a feeling that with men it's going to take awhile for me to get comfortable, first with myself and then being with someone else. I've had gay fantasies for years but they were always kind of abstract, without a real person involved. With women there was never any issue; on the contrary I think I was almost compelled to try and have sex with them to prove to myself that I was "a man." And yeah, there is the possibility that I will spend another few years in limbo, with no good answers forthcoming, and realize that I'm not really gay, or I'm actually bi, or who knows what else. But the situation with my marriage is unsustainable. This inner conflict is making me miserable, and in turn it's making my wife miserable. Something's got to give. Honestly, I prefer the uncertainty and the possibility of being totally off-base to the well-established anxiety and frustration of my day-to-day existence.
So my wife had asked for a transfer to another office of her company, and today it was approved. I spent most of the day just feeling stunned. Then I felt a little better, decided that I'm not going to punish myself since it doesn't help anyone. She's away for the weekend visiting her father, and she called me just now to see how I was doing. During the conversation I told her, "You are such an amazing and beautiful person, and you deserve everything that life has to offer." Then I thought (but didn't say): "I am your husband. When I married you, I promised to give you that -- but now I don't think I can." I felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of failure, and tremendous guilt. There is also an element of possessiveness on my part: I don't want someone else to take my place. I still want to be the man that I made myself out to be. I can't seem to let go of that. Of course I didn't mean for this to happen, but that doesn't really matter now, does it? A real man keeps his promises. I was feeling OK for a bit but now I'm just back to heartbreak.
More important than a promise you made in the past, is the decision you must make at this moment to do the right thing... It's not failure when you do what is right, call it tragic, sad, necessary...all of the above, but no enduring and loving relationship, even if it has to be put behind you, is ever a mistake.
Yes, but a real man also acknowledges change and finds the courage to respond appropriately. If we don't, we become stuck forever and nobody wins... ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2014 at 12:31 AM ---------- The point is that there are questions to be answered. Sex is one, but others are "Can you live with...", "Can you be romantically attached to...", "Can you emotionally intimate with...", etc. Somehow, these questions and perhaps a few others that have to get addressed.
I know what you mean about not wanting to feel like you’re being replaced. The idea of my wife with another man is still very hard for me to take. I know she deserves the opportunity and I want her to be happy, but we had a good marriage and friendship and it’s really difficult to let that go. What bothers me even more is the idea of another man taking on a father-like role with my kids. I’ll always be their dad and we have a very strong relationship, but the thought of another man living in the same house with them, helping them with their homework, going on trips with them hurts like hell. These are issue with any divorce, whatever the reason. If I’m lucky enough to find a partner I want to introduce to my kids, I’m sure that will be hard on my wife as well. But she won’t feel like another woman is trying to replace her as the mom. She’ll always be the only mom in the picture, whereas I could be one of three dads. Oy vey!
