Coming Out in My 30s

Hi,

Welcome.

EC is one of those resources you are looking for.

Keep in mind dating and sex is very personal journey. Take all you hear with a grain of salt. Some will report how perfect things are while others run into problems.

I can report apps, online dating, personals and gay bars are trash resources populated by sex seekers that demand sex on first/second date. With STD's that last a lifetime out there I cannot see risking STD's unless there is more than just sex.

My advice... Meet people organically (your regular circle of life) and wait for chemistry, friendship, trust.

Others will report other strategies but there is no rush, so do it your way.

Tom

 

Hi Geoworld24

Firstly welcome to EC, as Skiff says this is a great resource to help unravel the complex emotions of coming to terms with discovering you’re gay at any age. I was in my mid-40s when I discovered, and some on here have been in their 70s, so don’t worry that you’re starting late the good thing is you have started to be the real you.

As far as not doing anything with a guy, or girl, is concerned this can be quite common for gay guys. Have a look at the “Journey of Life” in the Introduction page from the marriedgay.org website; obviously since you’re not married you can skip some of the bullet points but Stage 2 and various parts of Stage 4 may give you some thoughts.

I agree with Skiff that many of the phone apps are mostly used by those looking for instant sex where people just work their way from one guy to the next without developing real friendship and to put it bluntly you’ll get treated as a disposable commodity. There are always exceptions to this and people can and do make lasting friendships and relationships this way but they are few and far between.

If I were you I would try and find a local LGBT support group where you can meet other gay guys in a non-sexualised environment so you can develop your interpersonal skills and talk about guys at the same time. I started going to such a group a few months ago and wrote about it here http://emptyclosets.com/forum/2199002-post13.html

Skiff is right that you should ideally search for gay friends within your normal social environment. I don’t know if you have ever received “the look”, you know that glance that lasts just longer than normal, from another guy that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, well if you have you may have triggered the other guys have 6th sense called Gaydar that’s used to identify other gay guys and is a skill worth developing.

Rather than turning on this 6th sense of Gaydar I would like to think of it more like your “Gaydar Jammer” has been switched off. By that I mean that now that you are no-longer worried about revealing your true identity to others, you are now allowing a visual eye-eye two way handshake between you and the other guy, a bit like a computer or fax modem syncing up if you are old enough to remember the sounds they made.

Once you have made this very fast and probably subconscious connection, less than a few seconds, you know that there is something different about that guy not just that he is cute. This “something different” is what I think of as Gaydar, whereas I think straight people would think Gaydar was purely matching a person to fit the gay stereotype.

If we continue the computer analogy as we consider a crowd of people with gay folk mixed in with them, I think this “visual handshake” between gay people is like WiFi devices constantly checking who is in range on the network. Once we have made this initial eye contact in a crowd we can see others that our target cute guy is also looking at and add them to our network exchanging our visual handshake and periodically checking back to see if they are still around.

Often when I go to a regular fast food restaurant where one of the serving staff is gay he seems to act as the coordinator of these “visual handshakes”, signalling the presence of other gay folk in the restaurant who then pick up on those not initially on their Gaydar. When this happens I get a nice warm feeling, like being a member of a special club.

To those who don’t think they have Gaydar, try sitting is a crowded place and just people watch, but don’t stare, and watch closely who they are looking at. Perhaps you could start with someone who was more stereotypically gay and see who they are looking at, once you have picked up on this you will start to see it everywhere as long as you have switched off your “Gaydar Jammer” and allow yourself to respond to the look.

Once you have developed this skill it will give you more confidence to meet other guys in your normal social environment with a higher chance of something developing between you.

Word of warning : If you look too long eye-eye at the wrong person you may get thumped, somehow you know instinctively within seconds when you get the right person, but if you get it wrong perhaps have a previously rehearsed excuse like “you look like someone [mention a name] I used to work with /go to school with etc.” Don’t try and make up something on the spot it won’t sound convincing.

SGG

 

Online dating is here to stay. It's not all as bad as you seem to indicate, by the way. Yes, there are apps geared entirely towards hookups, but there are far too many people I know who have met nice people online.

Just saying that perhaps your experience, while a perfectly valid data point, is not completely dispositive. Dating sites are a completely legitimate way to meet people, and it's certainly fine to have as part of a wider net that, yes, should include talking to people in "real life"

 

Welcome and just think about making friends first in the gay community, dating will follow naturally.

 

I'm in the UK, so I can't comment on what is available locally within Tampa or the state of Florida, but I'm guessing there are some LGBT community groups (places for support and friendship) that you could make contact with. Try these as a starting point.

Don't rule out the internet altogether. Some websites are indeed for 'hooking up', but there are others where the emphasis is on community and friendship - on these, you can begin to chat with like minded people who share similar ideas and interests. If you establish a rapport with someone through exchanged messages and arrange to meet up the friendship could blossom. That's how I met my partner and I know of other couples who met in the same way. The main thing about the online route is to have a clear idea about your wants/needs and to not get too carried away. Focus on community sites, rather than dating/hook up sites.

Coming out in your 30's is later than some, but sooner than others. There are lots of gay singles in your age group.

 

Geoworld, there are some great places in Tampa available for you to start socializing with others.

USF has an LGBT Coalition which is open to the public.

There is Tomes & Treasures bookstore for resources and information.

http://tampabaycoalition.homestead.com/files/TBCTampaBayLinks.htm

And there's plenty more.

I know that wen I lived there--far before the population boom and expansion of social outlets--there were social groups for bears, over-30 men, and so on.

That would be my advice to you--find some people to get to know socially, attend events where you can learn to be comfortable with yourself, go to support groups, and maybe find a gay-friendly or LGBT therapist to help with the transition.

Good luck, let us know what you decide, and if you have any Tampa-specific questions, feel free to ask me!

 

Hi geoworld,

Since you state that you have zero experience, how do you come to conclude that you have a preferred "position"? Generally speaking, it is poor form to start talking sexual positions right off the bat. At any rate, it's something I tend to avoid talking about on first dates. As for coming off as sex-crazed, well the bar has been set rather high to meet that definition, so I wouldn't worry about it....

Dating is a risk, there may be "someone great" and yet sexual incompatibility is a real possibility. I would say it is a distinctly unique problem to same-sex relationships, because the combinations are so varied. For example, if you are exclusively a top or a bottom, you are going to significantly decrease the chances of finding someone who is sexually compatible. It's just simple mathematics.

Given your absence of experience, it may be worthwhile to set aside your preferred "position" until you know a little more about what you like, or dislike.

 

OK, nevertheless, it's always good to keep your options open at the beginning!

 

Well, not just at the beginning even. I've talked to more than one person who thought they were going to be solely one or the other and realized they were more interested in the other or perhaps more versatile than they imagined.

 

Just for some companionship, I could just as well have written this. I think that you've found an excellent resource here in EC. You're not pathetic, you are YOU, and that's all that matters. There's a great guy out there waiting for you, just like there is for me.

One thing that I'm coming to realize with the help of my therapist is that dating is about taking risks. I'm a very risk-averse person, used to always being right, and that if I'm not the authority in something to have no opinion at all.

In order to be successful in the dating scene, you have to throw all of that out the window, to stop controlling and predicting and live with vulnerability. It's not something that I find particularly easy to do, since I also think that I'm a bit of a social buffoon. However, it's essential that you do so.

Feel free to PM me (you can always PM staff) or post on my wall if you want to talk further.

 

geoworld24 thanks so much for reaching out and sharing. I want to assure you that your concerns and questions will work out in time. I have to admit it can be intimidating but I have faith that you will find your way. Many have told me here at EC to take small steps and I encourage you to do the same along your new journey.

As far as positions/preferences etc. you have plenty of time to work that out. If the situation arises go with the flow and see what happens (safely of course). You may just surprise yourself.

 

Yup, I could have basically written this as well. I also have basically no knowledge of etiquette, and the thought of me going on dates still feels a bit weird. I sort of suspect that any early boyfriends would need to be fairly patient with me as I get used to each stage.

I don't know any out gay guys well, but there are a couple I haven't seen in years but will try and get in touch with. They're both married/CP'd, but I think it would be helpful to chat and I don't think they'll mind the out of the blue call.

I wouldn't worry about seeming pathetic. I get the impression from this board and elsewhere that it's not too unusual to work things out at this age. In this context, I don't think it's too weird not to have been on dates.

Actually this article is one I liked a lot, and a lot of it feels very familiar to me: Ian Thorpe and the truth monster.

Also, bear in mind that you will almost certainly know people who know more gay people than you. At the risk of stereotyping, a friend of mine who works in media says she knows plenty. If you are able to come out to people who you know have gay friends, that might be a way forward. Although SextonOutlaw's suggestion might be a better idea.

I had also wondered about the position question. To me it just seemed that if you didn't talk about it early on then if each party was pretty determined on what they wanted it would be like straight people going on dates without finding out the gender of the person they were talking to. Being flexible certainly sounds sensible, and clearly I defer to the people who say you shouldn't need to bring it up too early.

On the Gaydar issue, it's a bit difficult to find out how good you are without asking them after you've reached an answer. My current problem is I can't tell if I am a) honing my gaydar or b) just assuming that every attractive man who isn't physically touching a woman is clearly homosexual.

 

Hey, even knoWing a guy is straight befoehabd is no consolation if you admire his quakities.

I have a straight friend who pings my gaydar 110%. Sight unseen first day he entered room i knew we would be friends by his gaydar energy. I hoped for more. Alas, best frieds only.

What am I saying! I am proud and thrilled he is in my life.