Hi all, I am new to the forum, and in the process of coming out as lesbian. I apologise for the length and rambling nature of this post in advance. Thankyou if you make it all the way to the end, and I wont be offended if you dont! Hindsight being what it is, I have had feelings for other girls/women since I was about 8/9. I'm 40 now and have been married to a man who I dearly love for 15 years. We have children. Prior to meeting him, I had very limited FF experience, teenage experimentation aside, the only time I ever had a moment of passion with a woman turned out to be a massively humiliating experience due to the circumstances in which it occured (quite publically at a workmate's party.) There was screaming and fingerpointing and it pretty much destroyed my position at work, culminating in me looking for another job and moving on. As a result, I repressed those feelings, decided I was probably bi, and promptly tried to live a hetero life. My husband knew all this from early in our relationship but I have never really been able to be open with him about it due to the overwhelming need to repress that side. As with all repressed things, it has now come back to bite me firmly. I joined a bi-forum to explore further how I was feeling and discovered in the process that I just dont HAVE sexual feelings for men. At all. I have managed to "get-by" sexually with my husband pretty well, but theres always been something weird about it that never quite made sense. Mental visualisation of the act feels alien somehow. Anyway. Here I am. I have come out to my husband as properly gay and he is giving me the time and space I need to work out where to go from here. But it is very hard after all this time to disentangle the "me" from the "us" and I really dont want to hurt him or destroy our family in the process of me becoming who I should always have been. My mind is in constant wormy turmoil all the time. I could really use some help in working my way through this and this seems like the best place to find support and advice as I go through the process. Anyone else in a similar boat or have been there? Would love to hear your stories, how things have turned out for you.
Hi.. I am 38, and have been in the process of coming out for 20 years.. this time I am going to get there. Like you, I married a man, I knew I wasn't attracted to men, my reason was to try to avoid recognizing my feelings and the coming out process. I was married 6 years and my husband left for un-related reasons, but I have realized that this time, that It is time I work towards accepting myself. I have no good advice as I am still in the process of figuring myself out..
I hate to keep sending people to this thread BUT all your answers are here. We are mostly women who are married or were married and realized that we were lesbian. You will be amazed how many women are in the same situation as you are… here is the link---under Sexual and Romantic Orientation. Enjoy and WELCOME!!! This has NEVER happened before.. *I hope this link works! If not just type it in :icon_wink
I can so relate to repressing that side. I wish I could give you some advice but I haven't even got out the words to anyone yet. (well besides EC) I think I knew all along but I wouldn't acknowledge it. My best friend in high school took her life our senior year. We were so close and now that I look back I think she was gay. I have never done anything with a girl but I think we loved each other and it probably would have gone there if I could have been honest with myself then. Having said that, as soon as that happened I shut down. I completely shut off. I ran into that closet have been there ever since. It's like I have been going through the motions of life without really living it. I just did what I was supposed to. I married a good man (whom I love but not in a romantic or sexual way) and have 2 kids now. It's like a job and not a life. By coming here, letting out these words that have been stuck inside for over 20 yrs, and reading about others like myself has been so helpful to me. I start therapy next week and feel better about admitting it to myself finally. Thank you for posting.
Thank you waterfall for posting the link. I just read the whole thing and am reeling. It was a relief to see myself in so much of it.
Thanks, I shall work my way through that today. Thankyou all for replying, its great to not feel so alone any more.
Hi, I'm also 40 have 2 children and I'm recently separated from my husband after 19 years. I'm not sure what I am at the moment. I think I'm Bi but am more attracted to women at the moment. I went to a party where i was being pushed towards a single man and getting texts from a married man yet my eye was drawn to a woman. ive never had a relationship with a woman though so who knows! My husband hasn't been very nice to me lately and all my friends are now confiding in me about their marriages so maybe that's influencing my choice of staying away from men. You are relatively close to me compared to most on here, I live in Shropshire. Feel free to ask questions if you want to. Welcome to the EC it's a great place to be. X
Hi Penpal! Thankyou for this. I've never had a proper "relationship" with a woman either. But I know deep down that's where I should be at this point in my life. I honestly can't complain about my husband. He's been nothing but utterly accepting and almost certainly knew before I did. He's giving me all the space I need to work out what I want and need and is totally laying off putting any pressure on me. He did briefly have a bit of a panic one day where he decided that if it came down to it, and there was a straight choice between him and a woman, I would inevitably choose the woman because I'm gay and therefore game over - but it's not that clear cut for me. The one thing I don't want is him to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of mine but he has made it clear that at this point, he just wants to be part of my life, still live together if possible, and not lose me. Even if that means a sexless marriage. I have no desire to upset or distress either him or my children, but the lid is off the box now and it was so warped from being fitted so tightly there is no way it is going to go back on. So I'm going to just go with the flow for a bit and see what happens. Easier said than done at the moment. My head is so full of conflicting thoughts that need to settle down before I can really process it. What I am certain of is quite a short list - I'm gay. I don't fancy men. I don't fantasise about straight sex and I get nothing from straight erotica or porn. I would love to chat more to you - it would be great to have a friend of similar situation who understands the conflict. Thanks for reaching out.
I totally get you there. The difficulty involved to "disentangle the 'me' from the 'us'" and the desire to not hurt him or destroy the family is what kept me in a marriage 20+ years beyond the point when I first knew it wasn't right. All I can tell you is that the longer you wait, the harder the disentanglement becomes, but no matter what, if handled properly, doing what's right for you will not destroy anything when it comes to your family. I've done it. I've done it thoughtfully, gingerly and at times painfully (at least for me!) but we're all good. Soon to be finalized ex-husband, two kids and myself, all healthy, happy and for perhaps the first time ever - whole! Now my stb-ex and I exchange notes on dating, defer to each others preferences and willingly take the kids when the other has a hot prospect. And to think, I spent 20 years trying not to hurt anyone - and in the process only managed to perpetuate everyone's unhappiness.
Anytime, message me if you fancy a chat. I like talking to people who are going through a similar process. It sounds like you and your husband are dealing with things really well. I wish me and my husband could have separated on better terms.
LittleLionGirl, I'm glad to know that my ex and me are not the only ones who compare dating notes...lol. We are both out of practice. Heck, we never really had any practice.
Tried to but I need to get a few more posts under my belt first! Will work on that and full member status tomorrow!
:lol: Isn't that the truth! At the age of 47 I'm dating for the first time in my life. No idea what the heck I'm doing, but enjoying myself all the same. I have "Like a Virgin" on a constant playback loop in my head, I think it's perfect for me. Too funny! And oh the wonder of online dating sites! Last time I was single cell phones, messaging AND the interweb had yet to be created! (!!) Like a virgin...
Ha! No problem, you will soon have enough posts I'm sure. Welcome to the EC. The friendliest place on the web! :icon_bigg
