The curse of denial

At 50 I only recently came to realize that I was molested as a child. It's been rough but it has affected almost every aspect of my life and left me wondering who I am.
Those early experiences are very traumatic.
Why do you think you are gay if nothing tells you you are? I'm married but my pornography, fantasies and erotic dreams are only about men.

 

I guess the important question is what is it that makes you feel that you might be gay? You have gone down the usual routes of methods to try and find out and not got any reaction from them. So something must have made you wonder prior to that in order for you to explore.

If you get sexually aroused by straight porn and fantasising about women, what do you think about actually having sex with them? Are you currently sexually active?

The fact that you are in therapy makes me hesitant to be offering advice, particularly from a perspective quite different from my own, I can't speak from experience, but I think those who can might be able to get a better insight if you can give a little more information about the sorts of things that have flicked the switch in your head to try and understand where its all coming from?

Its a confusing time, and I wish you all the best discovering yourself.

 

It could be a roadblock that you've subconsciouslly put up in your mind. I'm a victim of sexual abuse as well and it's incredible the toll that can take. Porn, fantasies, dreams etc were almost exclusively about men but then there were flashbacks as well from the abuse that came and went in my life for a long time that confused the issue with me.

There's a lot of shame associated with sexual abuse and a lot of shame associated with sexuality it was until I was able to release the shame that I was able to see the difference. I'd fantasized but I wouldn't see men in real life and register an attraction.

Once I was able to let go of the shame feelings I could see where the effects from the trauma and where my sexuality were separate. It was a cycle of torment for me, whether the two were related issues or one things had caused the other.

Releasing myself from that was the most freeing thing in the world. I began to be able to look back and recognize where my sexuality had been all along, for a time it was also like I was walking through the world with fresh eyes for the first time I really began to notice men I found attractive through out my daily life.

Acceptance, real acceptance can do wonders.

 

My attraction to guys was always very clear and obvious to me, and my denial wasn't so much that the feelings existed, as it was that they were a permanent orientation that just wasn't going away. I really believed early on in my marriage that finding the right woman would make those feelings irrelevant.

Sexuality often isn't completely black and white, and early experiences (or the lack thereof) can certainly color your attitudes, consciously and unconsciously. So, Perplexed, obviously you're confident enough that you're gay that you put it on your profile. Given what you've said, about having fantasies about women and being blocked/unable to get aroused thinking about men, what makes you convinced you're definitely gay? Sounds like continued discussions with the therapist are a really good idea. It may be more complicated than gay vs. straight. For me, it was a very easy and logical thought process and once I allowed it into my head, everything made sense--there was no questioning, only accepting. You may have more layers to get through. Keep talking and thinking about it. Eventually you'll come to a much clearer understanding, and it will be a great relief when you do.

 

Interesting. My abuser was a woman when I was nine, so I've always thought my attraction to men might be that. My first time with a guy was when I was 13. It seemed very natural to me. I probably would have stayed that course until the one time I tried to bottom with a guy turned into a rape.
I understand all the confusion and I kind of hate labels. Maybe your pressuring yourself too much.
Most gay guys I've met watched straight porn first.

 

I am sitting here reading this post and thinking to my self OMG I am so sorry that you all that were abused NO BODY deserves that !!! I can not imagine what you are going threw it makes me sad for you . Now that is out of the way Perplexed1979 its ok to be confused and unsure what you want you may not be straight or gay you could be bi and thats ok this may change with time I say take your time and someday I bet you will figure out what you want sexually just remember I am sure there are others here at EC that feel the same way you do and would be glad to talk and help you threw your difficult times . My self I have been married for 20 years and just recently decided to stop lying to my self and am leaving her for a man .I have always been attracted to men and just hid it from myself , I don't recommend that you will be miserable like I was . If you need a friend I am here for you !

 

Hi there. I can really identify with a lot of what you've written. As I've struggled with the feeling that I'm gay over the years, there have been times when I tried to face it directly, but it just didn't work.

It's sort of like I'm in a room with a big locked box. I have a pretty good idea of what's inside, but I can't get the box open no matter how hard I try. And then sometimes I find myself inside the box, trapped and I can't get out. I often feel like I'm toggling between two realities, and all I desperately seek integration and peace. I don't know if this makes any sense.

I dated a woman for awhile who had been molested by her father as a child. When I told her about about what's going on with me, she said it sounds like I may have been abused. I don't think that's the case, but it's an interesting parallel.

There's an article I read recently, a book excerpt actually, which I thought was good: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/09/21/opinion/sunday/charles-blow-up-from-pain.html

I often wonder if I'm really gay or just plain crazy Or both, I suppose.

 

Crazy or queer...a previous topic of conversation with my therapist.

Bottling up my sexuality, whatever it really happens to be, which I still feel like I'm in the process of uncovering, sure added to helping me feel crazy. That I can tell you from my experience.

 

I've found lately that when I am alone and I start to ruminate about all the possibilities, the one thought that clarifies everything is simply "I'm gay."

In my mind, that instantly explains a lot of confusing and conflicting facts within my history and my present emotional state. It is almost meditative.

Of course, it's one thing to sit in your living room thinking "I'm gay" and another to actually go live it.

 

I can relate to that. It sounds like me back in May or June or so of this year. Just opening myself up to that possibility, in my own mind was pretty calming. The day after I said to myself, fine, lets just stop constantly questioning this and say "I'm gay" and go through my day without thinking about it too much was a day I got a ton done and just otherwise felt pretty damn comfortable with myself in a way I really haven't before.

And yes, it's a leap to go live it. And I'm still making steps there, both internally and externally to actual use that, even with what's gone on in this past week.

 

I've been working on building acceptance and understanding for myself for a little while before I really started addressing this at all. So, I'd been consciously trying to do that for a while before. And when it came up as a fantasy, instead of immediately cramming it down, I said well, that's interesting. Decided to see where it went. It was kinda revelatory. After a few weeks I went back to my therapist who is seen before and had a few talks. It reminded me of just how much this has come up before in my life, and that it was something I'd thought about before.

Another thing that's made it easier has been a lot of acceptance and understanding from my ex to be. She'd not been with another guy before, and her high school boyfriend was gay. Once she'd been out on a few dates and then been with a couple of different guys, it was pretty clear to her at least that I wasn't straight. Her support and understanding have been very helpful, even though trying to disentangle ourselves to the proper degree does have some issues, as documented here, btw.

Honestly, a lot really came together this past week. I dunno, I mean, I was really trying to let stuff go and feel free. Had perhaps my best yoga class ever because of that, came out of there feeling even more open and free. Went to a local bar, and had a great conversation with a lesbian gal there. She'd was only out a little while, had a boyfriend she'd been with for years...nice to hear that in person, you know? So, a few days later, I was feeling really comfortable with the whole idea.

I still think it's going to take me a little time to get completely comfortable with it, but there's absolutely something there with another guy that I'm needing. I mean, my inhibitions have inhibitions. But now that I've got that experience I'm at least sure that I can want to pursue that further. And that's even not totally ruling out the idea of being with a woman, although that seems more like just a weird safety net than anything real.

I guess if I had to sum that up: holding on to the idea that I will love and accept myself no matter what (even if I've made a 'mistake' and I was really straight), support from people I care about, support from therapist (which helped with the 'mistake?!?' Question, and support from people who have been there before.

Not sure if that helps?

 

This is very much how I was able to shake the feeling of crazy. Someone here had suggested 'just trying it on', I looked in the mirror and said to myself 'I'm gay, im going to acknowledge it, I'm going to live it and any time the cycle starts up in my head I'm just going to remind myself what I've acknowledged' and very rapidly a change occurred in my entire demeanour.

I also have kept the safety net in the back of my mind-of well I could always go back to a woman. My best friend is a woman and for years once a year or two we'll sleep together and even after acknowledging my sexuality we got drunk and did, it was fine-it was sex. But in reality I know the safety net isn't plausible because I have no doubt at some point with any woman I'd long for a man and Im just as positive that if I met the right man I wouldn't long for a woman.

 

This has been a really useful thread for me. I am going through a really tough time right now as the likelihood of separating from my wife becomes more real.

I don't want to let go based on just a fantasy. But it also makes no sense to hold on at this point; I have no faith that we can move foreward together.

I've spent years using up all my inner resources on this conflict. It's made me a shell of myself. But it's really all I know. I have no plan for moving forward.

 

i was abused as well, by a female when i was in my teens. to this day (in my 30s) i have some extreme hatred feelings towards females even though i think im attracted to them, straight porn does arouse me. i think technically i might be bi but i can't break that angry feeling i have with wanting to be with a female. i came to a point in my life that i felt like i just wanted to be gay to make things seem more simple, perhaps i felt this way to cover up the real issue i have. i dunno.. sorry im not much help.