Bi And Learning

I'm one of those ones who stepping stoned from bi to gay, so probably not the right person to comment here, especially as I've also been fairly tightly stuck in the closet for all the time I've been aware my sexuality was not a straightforward (no pun intended) issue.

What I have learned is that no matter what difference you have, there will always be people out there who cannot comprehend it. I joined a bi-forum on my path to here and it was quite a common discussion point "why are Bi people more stigmatised than other sexualities?"

I found it hard to accept myself, not so much because I was bi, but because I was aware that the label still didn't stick properly. Although there was one incident in my life where people I didn't want to find out did find out and it made life very difficult for me, because they made me feel ashamed of my desires.

There is an increasingly vocal bi-community, and I think things are moving on from narrow minded stereotypes, celebs coming out as bi seem to be more commonplace, but there is still a long way to go before sexuality becomes a non-issue for all and bisexuality is one of the few last bastions that need to be conquered before that can happen.

Look around you though - bisexuals are certainly not under-represented and fully accepted here. The more awareness there is, the more accepting people will become.

 

Hi, I think I'm Bi although I haven't yet had a relationship with a woman. I find it difficult because I don't really feel like I fit in. I go walking with lesbians and I feel they think I'm gay but denying it. I go out with my straight friends and they think I'm straight. We will always be judged. If you are with the same sex you will be classed as gay by others and if you are with the opposite sex you will be classed as straight by others. I guess it doesn't really matter as long as we are happy!

 

For me, the progression was the other way around. After several years I realized that I was still attracted to women and that it wasn't correct to think of myself as gay. Bisexuality was much closer to how I really viewed things.

A lot of the mistrust has to do with people believing that we bisexuals hide behind the cloak of stealthiness. By that I mean they feel that if push comes to shove, we will revert to seemingly heterosexual behavior to disguise our bisexuality. They also feel that we are not being honest with ourselves and others.

Actually, I think it was easier for me. Originally believing that I was gay was a big hurdle. Once that was sorted out, by the time I came to know that I was bisexual, it was a much smaller hurdle.

And rightly or wrongly (and I have personal evidence to support both!), I tend not to listen a lot to outside influences when it comes to personal matters. The "It's just a phase..." B/S and other similar things had very little bearing on my thinking.

 

Hello brightside80. Pleasure to meet you!

I must say a lot of the experiences you mention in your post truly resonate with me—I, too, am capable of love and attraction regardless of sex or gender identity. I’ve never known anything different; it took me years to realize I was in the minority, although once I did, I quickly learned my orientation is not an easily understood one.

When I first became aware of my same-sex attraction, I went through a period were I assumed I was gay. In many ways, I think that is the first thought of many bisexuals, especially in older age demographics where an “in-between,” so to say, was once unheard of. I’m about to turn 30 and although I knew from a young age I was different from my peers it took me until my mid-20s to 1.) Come to terms with how I am. 2.) Find a term for how I am. Nowadays bisexuals are more prevalent than they were when I was a child but some still opt to hide. Bisexual men are often presumed gay, bisexual women are often presumed straight. It’s sad, really.

Since I’m married to a man I’ve suffered scrutiny throughout my coming out. (Not here on EC.) I’ve been told I have no reason to come out; it’s been hinted at that I’m doing so to gain my husband’s admiration (far from it—my husband is actually struggling with my same-sex attraction). My opinions are often ignored and I'm presumed to be an ally. Regardless of how others may view me, I’m sick of hiding who I am. People can scoff or snicker as they please; I love who I love, just as they do. Years ago I told my husband that I would have still fallen in love with him if he had been a woman… and I meant every word.

Anyway, I hope that offering my experience helps. If you ever need someone to vent to, please know I'm a fantastic listener.

 

I'm bi, too. I got the other kind of responses when I first told people. Gay people thought I was looking for attention and straight people thought I was in denial. I thought I was in denial, too and was totally confused because I thought that still liking men was just conditioning and a betrayal of my true feelings by conforming to what would make my family happy.

I don't think it is bad for people to identify as bi then realize they are gay or vice-verse. If someone "really" is gay, but identifies as bi because they aren't comfortable letting go of society's expectations, or their envisioned future, or because they just aren't sure where they are other than not straight, who am I to say it is bad? Who am I to say I know what they feel at that moment? For some people "bi" may be a mile marker on the trail to wherever they are going. It is where they are at that time. I fail to see how that is bad. I really don't understand why some people belittle others for learning more about themselves and trying to find a label for the here and now of the path.

That is why some people identify as bi before identifying as gay, in m opinion. It doesn't mean that everyone is gay, though. Most people think I'm straight because I have a boyfriend. I don't correct many people, because it just isn't any of their business. I don't hide my non-linearity, but I don't bother telling people about it, either.

 

Hi there Brightside,

I haven't had trouble accepting my bisexuality at all...people sometimes call me a lesbian because I have a female partner, but I know that is their ignorance. I know who I am, sheesh.

But absolutely, it drives me nuts when someone on here who sounds like they are in a hetero relationship they value, but find themselves with a same-sex attraction, are immediately pounced upon as "hey, you need to deal with the fact that you're gay (or sometimes, they thoughtfully add 'probably')", and people will urge them to leave their partner or start making motions in that direction. I'm like hey, can we please not assume this person's sexuality...at least until they've told us if *they* think they are gay vs. bisexual?

There are no good statistics on the prevalence of bisexuals in the world...as far as I can tell, we could be much more common than gay people, or much less (and everyone seems to have their pet theory about this). So it's not even like we can say, well, 80% of the LGBT spectrum is LG and only 15% are bisexual, so chances are he's gay. It literally *might* be *more* likely that a person with same-sex attraction is in fact bisexual...who can claim to know?

So I'm happy for you that you're emerging from that bi-invisibility-induced fog!

Welcome to the bi-side...we have the best cookies!

 

I am bi, and basically still in the closet. I'm married with 2 kids. Had a few same sex experiences as a teen which I chalked up to being "bi-curious" which was kind of a thing when I was in high school (at least with my friends - go fig). I had told me boyfriend at the time (now husband) that I was bi, and he totally accepted it.

Flash forward 20 years, and I am on vacation with my best friend from high school (one of those girls - who is bi and has had relationships both ways) and her husband (this was the longest time we'd been together in about 15 years) and it hits me that I still have feelings for her. I hadn't had feeling for a girl since college, and I hadn't acted on it since my husband and I started getting serious in early college. I'd basically written all those experiences and feelings off as not having been a real part of me and had a bit of a break down over it. My husband didn't get it - since he'd accepted I liked girls when we were younger. I'm not sure I get it either.

OK long story short, and enough of my rantings, I think for some of us, being bi can allow us to remain hidden. For me, I'm not planning on coming out right now. I don't see a reason to "upset the apple cart" and maybe that's only allowing bisexuality to remain hidden. On the other hand, why cause a lot of people to be upset when I'm not acting on these attractions?

I don't know what's right. I only know it's not right for me right now to come out to very many people.

 

Hi,

Defending divrsity is ok. That is all ypu are doing.

Tom

 

I'm a generally very liberal person who isn't usually quiet about topics I care a lot about like equality, so I'm not quiet about it. I don't usually spend a lot of time around people who are hateful, whether they agree with me or not. My kids know about marriage equality, and it's an important value in our family - even before I realized (again?) that I was bi.

In our family (my husband and kids), love is love. The kids know that their bodies are their own, and no one should be allowed to tell them who they can love or marry. They are young (2 and 6), so I'm hoping (assuming) that by the time they are old enough to get married, there won't be an issue about same sex marriage. I'm liberal enough, that I don't honestly understand why polygamy is such an issue. If 3 people really wanted to get married and support each other, I don't get why others take issue with it. It's not for me, but I don't really care who others decide to attach themselves to for economic/love/support/family/etc reasons

My parents are somewhat less liberal, although I don't think they'd totally freak out. I do think they would wonder why I bothered to tell them if it didn't affect them or my life in any noticeable way. If I were going to act on my attractions and break up my marriage - which I'm not - (or it ended [G forbid] for another reason), I would probably tell them so they would understand if I decided to date a woman.

I did tell one close friend, because I felt like I needed to let someone out side of my husband and the other person know.

 

I'm gay but want to validate your Bi-ness as I believe it is real! Even in the LGBT community there are those who are unaware of differences and don't know how to handle them. In a sense that want to have everyone in neat groups all the while wanting "diversity"... being human I guess.

 

I thought for a while that I might be bi but maybe more attracted to women. But then I realized that I'd never really actually let myself feel attracted to guys. And honestly it's like I never knew what sexual attraction was before.

Not sure if this means I'm bi and making up for lost time, bi but more leaning towards higher numbers on Kinsey scale or gay. Don't really care too much, I'm just letting myself feel like myself and right now that means other dudes.

 

Bisexuality is not a rigid construct. Some lean towards one end of the spectrum or the other and some are roughly in the middle. I think it is this variance that people can't understand. However, just because they can't understand doesn't change the reality. We do exist and we live and breathe like everybody else...