Hi, me again! So, I came out as gay a few weeks ago to my husband, and also to a couple of trusted friends. It was part and parcel of the acceptance process and as a result I am now in a position where I am free to explore my sexuality should I wish to. My husband wants us to stay together and is currently happy for me to just go work things out for myself and learn what it means for me, and also as a result, for us. I'm pretty much at peace with the whole being gay thing in my head now, which has taken a few weeks to really settle down. The first days and weeks were blind panic and fear and anxiety and questioning, all that is gone. The jigsaw piece has fitted into the slot. Out of respect for my husband and also to protect my family, I have agreed not to come out "openly" beyond those who know now. I think its reasonable to NOT be broadcasting it while I am still working out where I/We go from here, and if it is possible for us to remain together in a mixed orientation situation. I am honestly not sure if it is but until I know for sure, there is no point rocking the boat. However - part of me is ITCHING to be open with people. It would do irrevocable damage and I can't do that, but it is SO frustrating to still have to be in a position of not quite honesty with the people I care about. I'm not wanting to shout it from the rooftops, but I would like to be able to be open about it so that I don't have to pretend everything is ok when it isn't yet. There are people I have no intention of telling, and people who I would not expect to tell, but there are a few other people that it would be nice to not have to hide it with. It honestly WOULD be not a good idea to start broadcasting it - I know this and I do understand it, but now everything makes sense, and I have accepted it, I am now dealing with having to conciously guard myself against accidental verbal spillage and that's not quite as stressful as what I have been through before, but brings it's own level of stress because I do have to be careful to control what I say. Anyone got any sage words of wisdom about this? How do I settle for how things are now just to get through the day whilst to some degree I am still in a transient state and so is my relationship? Really grateful for any input.
Maybe a bit of a compromise? Tell your husband you won't be broadcasting it but you won't be lying, either. If it somehow comes up in a conversation with someone you're comfortable sharing this info with, you will be honest. You could also say you'll be asking people to respect that you wish to dole out this info at your own pace and if they could not pass this info on, you'd appreciate it, for the benefit of your family. I think he needs to let you weigh the pros and cons of each situation. Being dishonest is not the healthiest of alternatives, is it?
Hi, I agree with Really, if you say something like, I don't need to broadcast it, but I wont hide it either.
Hiya, thanks for your replies. The problem is there are people I just can't tell at this point. Most importantly, my elderly M-I-L who I love to pieces, but she's a worrier and she would be worried for him, for me, for what it meant for us, for the kids, it's not fair on her. My own mother is another. Half of me wants to be able to talk about it with her, but having had several scarring moments in the past where I have confessed various things to her and her reaction has been either indifferent or inappropriate, I don't trust her to be supportive. But I would kind of like to tell my brother - except there is no way on this earth he would be able to keep it to himself. Not a chance. He would be worried but once I explained the situation he would just mercilessly take the p*ss because that's how he deals with uncomfortable situations. I have one adult child and two younger ones. They don't need to know unless something so serious happens that affects them directly, but I bet you they already sense unsettlement - kids have a knack for this sort of thing. The three friends I have shared with have been nothing but supportive - but after the initial conversation with one of them which was quite intensive and deep, he's not brought it up again and I don't want to overstay my welcome if he's not actually that comfortable with it. I talk a lot to my BFF about it, she's exceptionally awesome, indeed she's taking me out to a gay club in a couple of weeks for my first official "out"ing - but has a lot of health issues of her own and I don't feel like I should overburden her either. Third friend is someone I have known a long time and trust with my life but is rarely online for a chat because her job is long hours and so I find myself wanting to talk but not being able to find anyone I can really talk about it with. I want it to just normalise, to just be what it is, but at the moment it can't because there is nothing normal about the way we are going about it - its all very cloak and dagger and still very much up in the air. I wish I could just say "I won't lie about it" but that would have to be selective, which almost defeats the object of the exercise.
Hmm. That's difficult. Are you working towards separating from your husband? Is that why the family part is so "delicate"? I would have thought that they all think you're straight because you're married (right?) but if they've noticed anything, can you not simply present it as issues in your relationship with your husband? There must be some believable/true problem you're having as well? (Not that I'm wishing this on you). As for your friend(s), if you get a chance, you could explain how you're still all over the map with this and appreciate their support but they should tell you if/when you start to overwhelm them with your saga. This puts them on notice that you will be talking about it some more AND you're prepared to be told to shut up about it when it gets to be too much.
I think it's important to get your personal situation sorted before you start telling everyone what's going on. Just because you've figured yourself out, doesn't mean everyone else can be expected to do so as quickly. I certainly don't know your exact situation, but I'm pretty sure a bit of restraint and tact at this point will go a long way down the road. Regardless of the circumstances, you've made commitments in your life and people have certain expectations of you. Untangle and resolve that stuff first -- then you will be in a much better position to share your newfound identity with everyone.
Can you find a local LGBTQ center or support group? You could be and speak "openly" there and perhaps find others going thru similar situations that might be more enthusiastic about sharing the types of deep/delving types of conversation you seem to desire. Depending on the type of community you live in, you may want to proceed with caution before being too open in any public sort of venue if you are not prepared to come out entirely. Especially if it's your kids you're trying to shield. News like this had a tendency to spread like wildfire when the wrong person catches wind of it. p.s. I remember that itching feeling. Trust me, once the newness of your realization wears off, that feeling will fade. Then you'll have new itches to deal with - like wanting to tell everyone when you meet someone that makes you giddy, or your first physical encounter with a woman, or, or, or... you get the picture!
At this stage, no, not planning to separate. DH doesn't want to, he wants me to figure out what it all means to me, is happy for me to go outside the marriage and have a girlfriend if I want to, is in theory at this stage, accepting that our sex life may be over as a result but wants to live with me, and us share our lives regardless of this. On paper, we are so well suited that for us even to be saying we have issues would alarm people. I don't want to separate either, but nor do I want him to settle for a half-marriage just to be with me. He deserves better than that. We absolutely are best friends above and beyond anything else, and his happiness is paramount to me. As is the happiness of our kids. I've been through three parental divorces and I know just how devastating the effects of that can be, plus two of my kids at least have social communication disorders and would find the whole thing additionally destructive as a result. (I say at least because the third also displays traits but has no diagnosis as she copes better with school etc) You are quite right, as tough as that was to hear. And I am being tactful and very restrained, despite it really being a challenge to do so. I am not planning on throwing a coming out party or anything like that. By nature I am not a very good liar though and I feel a bit like a fraud any time I am around people who think they know me and are believing that our situation is as it was. Yes, I did make commitments, and I will go to the ends of the earth to protect and support those commitments. I have no intention of just dropping it all and running off into the sunset waving a rainbow flag and sticking two fingers up at the people I care about most in the world. The last thing I want to do is hurt any of them. I have, however, spent most of my life hurting myself (in a depressive, self-protective way) by never actually allowing myself to get to this point before. Since I realised that this is potentially what's been at the bottom of all that suffering, my mind has been much clearer and less prone to wandering down dark paths. I honestly don't mean that I want to make some big public announcement - it would be like throwing a hand grenade into the room and walking away before it explodes and that's not my style at all. I just kind of... Feel the need to be authentic and real, and have the support of people I care about. I know that's not practical or realistic at this stage which is why I was asking for advice for the best way to manage these feelings. That's good to know! Community wise is a non-issue. We keep ourselves to ourselves pretty much. i have looked for local resources, the only support group I can find is on a Tuesday evening and is a sort of drop in centre thing. Despite living near a thriving gay-friendly city, the support resources seem to be somewhat scant. I would quite like to do something about that if a time ever came when I could be open about it myself. My BFF lives 200 miles away, so when I go "out" with her there is no real danger of me being outed as a result at home. Gah, it's such a mess. There are many moments lately when I wish more than anything that I could just pick it up and stuff it back in the box and ram the lid shut. But I cant. And I don't want to, not really. Mentally this is the clearest I have been and the closest I have been to feeling right in my own skin, ever. I don't know if I can trade that for a lifetime of half-truths. I'm glad to hear this "itch" will settle down though. That's reassuring, so thanks xx
I think at this stage you have to take things one day at a time. I would say you need to make sure you keep talking to each other to make sure you are both happy with the arrangements. Is this going to be an open marriage now, where both of you are free to start up a relationship with others? I don't think you will be able to not tell people if you are actively looking for a girlfriend. I talk to a therapist and that has really helped me. I have a few friends that I trust to talk to and I joined a group. However they are all totally out, so I am nervous when I see them as I'm not. I think you will know when the time is right to tell more people. My worry later down the line for you is if you meet someone you want to be with. However I have read on here lots of stories where people have made your situation work. My husband wasn't so understanding unfortunately but I admire anyone strong enough to make it work. As long as both you and your husband are happy that's all that matters. You both obviously want that so keep talking so you don't lose sight of it. I am a member of boarder women, I'm not sure they go as far as Liverpool but they are on the net. There are also meet up groups on the net if you look under your area. You are going through a lot of adjustments, don't rush it. Take your time. Hope things work out for you. Feel free to talk anytime.
I think I would be happier if he was open to the idea of going outside the marriage too - because then at least his physical needs could be met, and he might stand a chance of meeting someone he could love openly and be truly happy with who can give him all the things I'm not entirely sure I can any more. But he's not a going out sort of person, he's perfectly happy as long as he has a spliff and a PC with computer games to play. He's quite introverted and not particularly sociable with others, although he's the sort of chap that will help anyone in need. I do think he believes that he can manage without it, or a bit of DIY. I'm certainly not going to insist that he does if he genuinely feels no need to. But equally, I share your concern that I might meet someone further down the line that does develop into something more serious and then we are in big trouble. We have agreed though that communication and honesty is vital. A couple of weeks ago I came home having not seen him all day and it was clear he was in something of a state. I asked him what was wrong and he broke down, his mind has been plaguing him all day with "I can't compete with another woman" thoughts and the fear that I was going to leave him. It's just not that straightforward for me. We have shared 16 years, have three amazing kids, and aside from this, have the most solid relationship. I love and care for him deeply and I don't envisage that changing, even if we were to split, he would always be my true best friend and the most important person in my world. We just "get" each other and accept each other no matter what. It breaks my heart that I can't be the person that he wants me to be. I want to be able to give him everything a marriage offers, not just a loving companion, but the desire and passion is not there, hasn't been there for a long time, if ever, and I'm not sure it ever will be again. It's devastating us.
Hi, Damage? Being open, honest and authentic is damaging? "Damaging" is what society does to minorities. "Damaging" is what being in the closet does to gays. You are correct, sexuality or sex practice need not be broadcast. I am gay and if a gay guy asks me how kinky I am within five minutes of meeting it is TOTAL turn off. If somebody asks about my sexuality i will answer. If asked to do something angainst the gay community I will speak then too (asked to support a homophobic politician). But otherwise my business. I would re-evaluate "damaging" as it may be just "closet" holdover fear. Tom
I like you. I meant damaging in the sense of how it impacts on others - if it was only going to affect me and no-one else I could really care less at this point. But it won't. I'm not going to ever lie to my kids if I'm asked, I never do, if they ask for the truth they get the truth. I've told my husband this and he's ok with that. But my husband, it affects him. His mother, particularly, well, she's in her eighties and he was always a worry to her. She worries about him far less now he's with me, but she would worry, and I mean sleepless nights obsessive worrying not just a bit of concern. It would make her ill. I don't deny that it might well be a bit of keeping one foot in the closet going on there. If I step out and the door shuts, well... That's a major life overhaul ahead. I'm not yet ready for major life overhauls. This is hard enough to deal with without destroying our entire existence in the process.
I really don't think you can rush this situation. You both need to grieve for the old relationship and get your head round the new one. Only you can say if it will work. Personally I couldn't of done it so maybe my husband made it easier by going off with a woman he met in the pub. I had made the decision to try and make our marriage work but sadly he had other ideas. He is homophobic though. After 19 years it hurts, but at least now i can move forward. So as you can see it was different for me. You have a supportive husband so I think you have to take it really slowly. He will be grieving for you and is trying his hardest not to lose you.
Quick mini-thought re: helping your husband. What if he and one or more of your children had some activity that was just theirs to do? Out of the house. Something regular. Dog agility, ice skating, or ...? Something the kid picks and asks your husband to do with them. He gets out in a non-threatening environment, makes friends with the other "mothers" and widens his social circle. I'm just thinking he needs to make new friends just like we all do. (Aren't single dads attractive to some women? Not us, of course, but...) Feel free to ignore. :]
