Coming out and Staying Married in the Deep South

Basil, I'm curious how it works with your wife. Does she pursue her own relationships on the side? Do you?

As for the kids, maybe it's worth considering it from their perspective, i.e., do you think your kids would prefer their dad to live an inauthentic life? Wouldn't you want your parent to be happy and fulfilled?

I live in New York so I can't quite imagine how things are in the deep south, but would it really be as hard on them as you suspect?

 

Hello Basil, welcome to EC. I'm in a similar situation to yourself and dealing with all the same issues, although it's a more recent realisation for me.

My first question would be - what is your wife's position on your desire to fully come out? Is she happy for people to know that she's married to a gay man? Does she feel it's appropriate for you to talk with your kids etc about it? How you and she live your lives is no-ones business but your own, however your desire to be more open will have some sort of impact on her, because she will stop being known as your wife, and instead become the wife of that gay chap. It won't be just you that you are outing, if that makes sense.

In an ideal world no-one would be remotely interested in other peoples marriages but it isn't and the potential is there for your outing to place her under a lot of scrutiny from her peers. If you intend to continue on in your marriage then it's something you need to consider (and I know this because it's also something I am having to consider. Half of me thinks that it's no-one else's business and I wouldn't go around telling people my less generalised sexual preferences so why tell them this, but the other half of me has been living so inauthentically for so long that it craves just being allowed acknowledgement and acceptance from the people I care about. If you are interested my thread "pacing myself re coming out" has the background...)

You do need to be true to yourself but also respectful of your families needs. Families like ours are probably amongst the last bastions of what is socially acceptable at this point in time, people are more open to gay relationships, and families with same sex parents more than has ever been possible, but variations on the theme are few and far between as we are still very much closeted and an even smaller minority. It's a difficult judgement call to make to know if even the liberal minded people would be able to get their heads round your lifestyle, as it remains relatively unbroken ground in terms of family set-ups.

That's not to say you couldn't be the forerunner and ground breaker, but that's a judgement call only you can make. You aren't exactly taking it to the grave unsaid. You have a close circle who are aware, your kids can know when you feel they are ready and able to understand it, but you need to really question your need to be more open and establish if it's because you want to be free to be yourself openly (which has potential pitfalls for your marriage) or if there is some other reason for doing so.

I don't have all the answers, (or indeed any of them, yet) but being in a similar situation I've already got some good advice in the thread I started that may help you as well so do give it a look.

It's a tough spot to be in, I agree, but knowing where to go from here has to be what is right for not just you but also your wife and kids, as your decision will affect all of them to varying degrees.

 

Hi Basil,

First... my position is society is a sham of respectibility. What "respectable" parent would/could put their gay child through hell in all the flavors they do. Be honorable to your own moral code.

It appears some believe you cannot be monogamous in a hetero marriage if gay. That is simply wrong thinking as loyalty is possible. Question is; if you are gay should you stay hetero married?

I don't have the answer, only what i did. I married, was monogamous 21 years and when children were adults told wife and kids, ended marriage on good terms. That all went well. It was good for wife and kids but I am not sure it was right for me. At age 56 after being on the shelf 21 years finding gay men i want to date is difficult. Yes i like gay men, i believe the issue is I seek gay men with good, solid relationship skills and by your 50's those guys are mostly partnered leaving a dating pool not geared to my desires.

I am not a "daddy" type but i find myself stretching my dating age range iback to age 30-40s to find available guys with relationship skills. If a 50 year old pops up GREAT but in 1.5 years there have been none i crossed paths with.

We are a small population and with age the "available", wanting a LTR pool shinks, leaving a larger pool of casual daters.

My experience to date and others may differ.

I feel my best shot would be with a guy who was hetero married with kids and we understand each other.

Your mileage may vary.
Tom

PS: for me it was year 15 out of the 21 years of marriage when sex life ended in marriage. Totally lost interest in hetero sex, even as necessary marriage "chore".

 

If as you say your sex life with your wife is roaring strong, then why consider yourself Gay. Yes you are attracted primarily to men but it looks like you want a Poly relationship of a wife and a BF. If she goes along then very nice for both of you. At your kids age they will not understand the concept of Gay but loves Mom.

 

Basil, we are somewhat similar situations, except that I am further along in time, with a daughter who is now an adult living 1000 miles away, so there would be little, if any, affect on her circumstances. I understand the dissonance between what most people see and think of me, and how I feel inside. The reality, if you decide to come out more visibly, is that most people won't think or care a lot about it, including your kids, unless you are in some high visibility position in that beloved southern institution of the community church, particularly one of the homophobic by tradition kinds, or work for a similarly homophobic business with a bigoted owner. There might be a little temporary bit of gossip about you if your method of coming out is highly visible, otherwise it will probably just be something people who know you might talk about for a while, feel sorry for the wife for a while, and then move on to their own agenda. The more important issue is what type of peace will it bring to you, if you are still married. Will you get the freedom to associate with other men in the arrangement with your wife? How will that work? What do you want to "do" with them? Just socialize or have some kind of sexual involvement?

In other words WHY do you want everyone around you to "know" this about you, when it really isn't any of their business to know this about you? Are you really "hiding" it from them if there is no substantive reason for them know? Or, do you just want to be able to "act gay" in some manner when you are around them, and feel like you can't do it while pretending you are straight?

 

Honey, I am here in the South and right there with you….married and lesbian. First of all I agree with the post above, it is no one's business to know this about you. My concern is for your children. Some others can idealize all they want but the fact is that we live in the bible belt and there is still a lot of prejudice and homophobia out there. I know that it is very cleansing to get things out in the open but while the kids are still in elementary school, I would keep a lid on it…just my opinion. I sincerely believe for their emotional health and their safety you should wait some time before you shout it from the rooftops! I know, believe me how hard it is to feel like you can't be true to yourself but in this case... do the benefits out weigh the risks?
The time will be right soon enough.

 

Waterfall...

"Bible belt"? Sounds like an ungodly place by your feelings and description. Hell on earth for somebody needing diversity.

Out of curiousity... why live in that hell if you are gay (straight challanged)? I would not suggest (EVER) somebody live in the closet. There comes a breaking point. Move, MOVE, MOVE!!!!!

Both the parent and child can live a healthier life elsewhere.

Yes, job and family ties can be anchors but this is 2014.

Basil...

How long have you been going down the bi, MOM road? I only ask as it seems many (not all) bi's end up at gay with time and self acceptance. Until you know where you stand it is difficult to plan.

My sexuality has always been clear and even knowing it poor choices were made in the face of my desires in partner selection, family and society pressures.

My other question would be: what if you fall in love with a guy, a guy falls for you, and that leads to public discovery in various ways agaist your closeted desires?

Tom

---------- Post added 5th Oct 2014 at 03:05 AM ----------

We all like to think we have a perfect closet, the perfect hiding place but in reality we are only fooling ourselves and there is chatter behind our backs.

 

Hi,

Just remember...

Loose lips sink ships.

It is a crap shoot to share.

Tom

 

For what it's worth, Basil, my experience has been that there's a lot more angst in it becoming known than there is in it being known. I've spent 20 years in a straight marriage that's winding down, and in the past year and a half have come out to everyone that matters (including wife and teenage kids), and stumbled into an amazing relationship with a wonderful guy. I'm definitely finding that a few people--notably my brother and his wife--are being generally unsupportive and judgmental (which I expected from him, but less so from her), but the vast majority of people I've told, or who found out, had a few moments of surprise and adjustment, followed by general disinterest. I like that people know because I spent my whole adult life hiding and holding back, and now I don't have to. For the others, it just doesn't much matter other than that some of them ask about my boyfriend now instead of about my (eventually ex-)wife.

The hardest things were telling some people at my church, and when a neighborhood gossip found out and started spreading the news around. My attitude was that the way to stop gossip is simple disclosure, and it seems to have worked. I won't say that things aren't a little odd as a result. Certainly some people don't quite know what to make of it all, and there are a few people who are noticeably distant. But that's their problem, isn't it? As long as you're confident in your decision and in who you are, it's not going to impact you in a way you can't handle.

As to the kids - mine are 13 and 17 so they're a little older. I'm not certain that the news that I'm gay has disseminated widely into their circle of friends, but I've tried to be open with them so that they understand this is just who I am, and not something weird or awkward, and when it does, they'll be able to handle whatever their friends say. A lot of it depends on your relationship with them and how much of a feeling you instill in them that this is all OK. Mine actually get frustrated with their mother's sometimes negative reactions, and are very accepting of the fact that I spend a couple nights a week with my boyfriend and plan on a future with him once some of the nuts and bolts of reality are taken care of.

I wish you the best, Basil (and Waterfall). Keeping secrets is generally a lot more difficult and draining and devastating than just being open and dealing with the fallout.

 

Basil, having read some more of your posts I'm going to have to change my earlier suggestions.

It sounds like you are quite happy to maintain your current situation. The only question at hand is whether or not you tell anyone else what is really going on behind closed doors. I had initially assumed you might be looking to make some kind of life change (i.e., leaving your marriage).

So in this case, it seems to me like saying nothing is probably your best bet. Your situation is rather unusual, even amongst gay folk, and might be downright inflammatory to straights. Telling people "I'm gay" is one thing -- it's a common narrative these days and well-understood, regardless of how people feel about gays. But explaining an ongoing open relationship may raise more questions for people than it answers.

Ultimately it may lead people to distrust you more, and by extension your wife and family situation. This isn't exactly homophobia, maybe more like bi-phobia, or more generally a discomfort with things that don't fit neatly into pre-existing categories. Even if you were in NYC it might be tough for some people to grasp, but down there it's hard to imagine it going over well.

Anyway that's my 2 cents.

 

I am also from the deep south and would agree with nerdbrain. If your part of the deep south is like mine, I suspect it would not be easy to explain or understand given your situation and the concerns you have are very real. But, what do I know I am completely clueless and often shocked (in a pleasant way) by people's reactions. I find more pockets of tolerance everyday even down south. I, of course, would not worry except for the effect on the kids.

 

This is a topic my wife and are struggling with too. I came out to her two years ago and she is now pressuring me into coming out.

She feels that I want to be genuine to myself, but then keep it a secret. A secret she also has to bare.

My opinion is that if others don't need to know, why tell them? I don’t care if others find out, just don't see any advantages to coming out.

One good point she has is that coming out will set an example for others who are hiding in the closet.

She has me thinking about starting to peak out of the door a little more

 

Well any update on coming out Basil? My wife and I had the discussion again yesterday about my coming out to others. She keeps coming up with very compelling reasons why I should. It was ironic because one of her cousins just came out yesterday. She was like "see, he did it and the world didn't come to an end".

I would love to be out to more than the few I am out to. I am just not sure if I am ready for EVERYONE to know. Problem is, once you come out to a few the cat is now out of the bag and everyone will soon know.

I think I might start with a few people that are not close to those whom I fear finding out...my mom...