For those of you who struggled with your sexual orientation (quasi-denial/closet) - to what extent would you have appreciated someone who cares about you and sees/understands you very clearly stepping in gently to discuss the issues with you (or gently/vaguely prompting you). They say you should never offer advice unless it is asked for but watching someone you love struggle alone with no support and an ever tightening knot in their chest...are you supposed to do nothing? On the one hand doing nothing seems like it is the right thing to do in that people have to own their own issues if they really want to address them and it is not your place to step into personal matters; they have to arrive there on their own. And you wanting to step in may be more about you being the self-righteous 'rescuer' than anything else? On the other hand, doing nothing seems like a cop out where you follow the herd's advice - that the harder thing would be to risk them shutting you down/out of their life/going berserk. I do feel that is so self-righteous to think that you know best for someone but what if you really do? *I did try to gently prompt them once and they lashed out quite aggressively so I think most of your responses would be to lay it to rest. I would still appreciate your views on that general dilemma anyway it's one that comes up quite often in life I find (on matters nothing to do with sexuality too).
I tend to agree that the most effective way to arrive at a solution is to let the person come to their own rescue. I nevertheless disagree with the notion that you should just stand by and do nothing. The most appropriate thing to do is to be there, and listen actively. What is active listening? First, give no advice, second, ask open-ended questions (very few questions should have a yes or a no for an answer). Third, show empathy, modulate your voice to show concern, paraphrase what your friend is saying to show that you are completely understanding. If they cry, tell them it's OK and give the time to let this emotion pass. You would be amazed at how this works!
Hi, Gay is a toygh issue (like many). Society and family persecute the person often. So it comes dwn to trust. Will the recuer help, hinder or harm? If you ere drowning and you feared the rescuer would toss you an anchor instead of life ring what ould you do? Tom
That would be ideal if person in question said anything to listen to. What do you do if listening is not on the table? /B] ---------- Post added 4th Oct 2014 at 10:13 PM ---------- Okay, that's an interesting way of looking at it. But it only addresses their perspective which is the most important one, yes... but what if they fear you're tossing an anchor but you're actually throwing a life ring - do you not throw the life ring anyway? I'm not saying I'm right I suspect the correct move is to leave them be but i am struggling to justify that conclusion, which may not be all that admirable...
Hi, What is the trust level between the two of you? Can you look them in the eye, say "I love you" and give them a long hug, forgetting social convention? You want to discuss something beyond social cinvention so cross that line first. Tom
How I wish I had had somebody to talk to when I was a teenager. It wasn't until I was 49 that a high school acquaintance on Facebook recognized me for who/what I was and came to my rescue. I didn't know until later that many people recognized it. I did too, but we all know how things can get in the way of our best lives. I just stayed single rather than deal with men, or women. Above all things - Listen. Accept. Be Supportive. It's what we all needed at some point, yes?
I'm not sure they trust anyone and if they do they are not people who have insight into this issue which is probably why they feel safe with them. ---------- Post added 7th Oct 2014 at 01:36 PM ---------- This person is not a teenager so slightly trickier to know whether to step in or not - if you're adult, you are assumed (with good reason) that you know what's best for you...
Has this person approached you and told you they are struggling and questioning? Or are you just surmising it from their actions? For me, I've come out to a few friends, but I still find it incredibly hard to bring up anything related to my sexuality. I would actually appreciate it if they started the topic and asked specific questions. It's a lot easier for me to speak about something like this if the subject is sort of "directed" for me, as there is so much going on in my head it's hard to know where to start, and a lot of it, too, I am unsure if it is ok to share unless prompted. However, if this person has already lashed out at your prompting it may be better to just let them know you're there for them if they do decide they want to talk, and leave it at that. You could also try talking about your own struggle, rather than putting the interrogation light on them. Then they will know that you've been through the same thing, and perhaps if something strikes a chord they will say so. Opening yourself up to vulnerability may allow them to feel more able to do the same.
I think it really, really depends. This is just me personally speaking, everyone is going to be different on this, so take it with a grain of salt... A big part of my struggling with my sexuality was admitting it to myself. And that took me a long time. I don't think any "gentle/vague prompting" would have helped me at all. I think the only thing that maybe would have helped would be if someone would have talked to me about LGBT issues IN GENERAL and let me know that they were supportive and understanding of the idea. Just in general. Not anything about me or them. That way I would have known that I could have talked to them about it. Just them bringing up the topic occasionally would have given me opportunities to voice my opinion or even add to a conversation about it and I think that would have made my admittance a bit easier if I would have known that SOMEONE was there and would be supportive. I know that I felt really alone because I knew NO ONE in the community or that was supportive of it. I hope this helps. It sounds like your heart is in the right place.
Ah, the reason I stated "teenager" is because I wish I had had somebody to talk to when I knew something wasn't right (in hetero terms). Any age - it is good to have somebody to talk to who knows the ropes. Back in the 70s, who knew?
If I had a friend who seemed to be struggling with an issue (gender/sexuality or otherwise), I think I would just say, "It seems like you are worried about something/struggling with something/have a lot on your mind. If you ever want to talk, I'm here to listen. I am not a judgmental person, so don't worry about me getting weirded out by whatever is going on." Or something like that... (*hug*)
Helps a lot thank you; right answer, I just needed to hear it from the perspective of someone who has been there themselves- thank you X
Sometimes when people seem to be struggling with things they have come to a concrete conclusion in the back of their mind but are going through the stages of coming to terms with whatever it is. I recently became injured and my physical therapist explained to me that recovery isn't a trajectory that goes steadily up. It goes up and down up and down. This has proven to be true with and in my own journey regarding my sexuality. I tend to be a private person, so for me someone from the outside wanting to step in uninvited wouldn't be welcome. I also am a proponent of the idea that people "just know". This all probably made little sense considering the original post , but maybe it will resonate with someone in some way.
