overwhelming guilt

I have no good advice, but you aren't alone. It makes a lot of sense to me. I am married (well, separated) to a man, but also a lesbian. My separation had nothing to do with me being a lesbian, but it was made slightly easier by the relief of not having to lie to him since he's not here. I was quickly reaching that "going to blow" stage.. I still am in some ways.

I did tell my husband last week that I knew, going into my marriage, that I'm a lesbian. He was hurt, but willing to stay if I decide to take him back. My problem is though, in addition to forgiving the reason he left, I also have to decide if I can really go back to pretending to be straight. The idea of staying married and never being with another women scares me, and I'm not so sure my mental health can take it.

 

It is more than understandable that you are feeling so overwhelmed. I have never been in your situation so I can only empathize, but I would suggest talking to a therapist. *hugs* I'm sorry you're finding things so hard right now. Just remember that we're all here for you and will support you. Be kind to yourself.

 

Hey... I totally get where you are... I was there for the last 6 weeks... more and more distant from my wife... confused... trying to come to grips with my own sexuality... and dealing with the prospect of coming out to my wife...

I discussed with a lesbian friend of mine... she told me 'its like a grenade inside of you... if you don't throw it... its going to kill you'

so I mustered up the courage... and told my wife... its been a roller coaster of a week since... but I no longer have the grenade inside of me... its out, and now I just have to pick up the pieces... but at least I was honest... with her and myself.

I don't know if you are there yet... but one day you will be... be strong... think about you first... don't let the grenade blow up in your hand.

 

It's horrible isn't it. I was there but I'm no longer with my husband now. It's for the best but a roller coaster of emotions. It sounds like you are close to telling him.
You need to talk to someone, is there anyone you can confide in? It helps just to tell a friend and talk things through. (*hug*)

 

Hey

I'm beginning to resurface now from being exactly where you are. So I can tell you that with time and understanding of yourself it does get easier. I told my husband pretty quickly after I realised. It was made easier by the fact that I had declared myself at various stages, "bi" and "almost certainly gay if I hadn't met you". When it finally hit me that I was gay and there was no way to convince myself otherwise any more, it was still a massive shock to my system and still a work in progress to not be panicked and afraid of myself.

The pressure was enormous and I struggled to keep it separate from my "other" life. Eventually the top came off the volcano and it all came tumbling out through a shed tonne of tears. My husband has to rank amongst the most understanding spouses of all time but yet it still threw him a little bit off kilter. It still is doing.

The hand grenade analogy is a good one. I've used similar myself in recent weeks. It feels exactly like that at the start. Like you are blowing everything you know and everything you care about to pieces - but then it does start to get easier.

You do need to talk to someone though, or your hand grenade will go off in your hand. Whether that be us, or a close friend, it doesn't matter, it just matters that you get what's swirling round in your head out of there so you can look at it with a little distance without it overwhelming you too much.

It will be ok. Know that much. It really will. Whatever happens.

 

It's so hard. As soon as you admit it - as soon as you start to accept who you are, it's (almost?) impossible to put it back again to the way it was. Something inside changes. It's like a switch going on or off and once it's flicked it becomes this struggle with yourself to try and put it back. I really feel for you. A lot of us here have been in the same place. All you can do is be honest with yourself. Once you reconcile yourself to how you really feel, and what will make YOU happy (I know you will want to make sure everyone else is happy too, but if you're not happy with yourself, it's so much harder to keep it all together when you're having to pretend to be the life and soul), you can then start to work out the next steps.

Keep talking and thinking. There's never a perfect answer for everyone. You just have to do what you feel is right for yourself and others, and find as close to a balance between everything as you can.

 

Maybe let it out in little bits. Whisper it to toys in store windows, to dogs you meet, to babies in the street, to bank machines. Things with eyes. Might help not to keep it to yourself and also to practice saying it out loud. It sounds like you might be better off if you didn't bottle it up. I can totally sympathize with that.

 

Oh, it makes sense all right! It is so overwhelming! I have my up days and then just when I think I have it under control, I have those days when I feel like I just want to run away, where nobody can find me and I can't hurt anyone or be hurt.
It's scary for your whole life to change…because it really does. I don't think you can ever go back but moving forward is such a challenge. What the biggest challenge is for me is that I don't have a clue what I'm doing…sometimes I feel like I'm jumping off a cliff blindfolded. I never imagined that at my age I would be faced with such uncertainty and indecision.
No matter what I feel like, or how much I struggle, if I had the choice to go back and not feel the strong emotion that I feel when I even think of being with another woman….I wouldn't go back, it is just so amazing to me.
I know I have said this so many times before... but knowing that you aren't alone DOES help!

 

You've come to the right place. It may not make sense, but these feelings and emotions are truly a good sign. They mean that you are fully in the moment, and fully aware of what is going on. You are reacting to this as would any human being faced with tough choices. We've been there, it can be survived, new accommodations, when the truth finally comes out will be made, only because they are necessary.

I think most of us who've been through this would agree that we have found reserves of strength we never knew we had. It does get better, but you're going to have to take that on faith at the moment.

It's good that you're seeking help, this is very important!

 

Frkldbklvr45, we are here for you I too know what you are going threw clovis and I are going threw almost the exact same thing at the same time we are talking to each other and helping each other out . I know that you will find the support that you need all you have to do is give us a chance and don t give up please we are here and want to help . I am here if you need to talk I will help anyway I can .