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I told my son today

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by BeingEarnest, Oct 4, 2014.

  1. BeingEarnest

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    For months, I have wanted to tell my son I am gay, and wondered when the right time would be. He is 11 years old. We went on a road trip today, and having a good time of conversation, and he was asking questions, like 'why aren't you sleeping in the same bedroom with mom?' I decided to tell him. His first response was surprise, then compassion and curiosity. "That's weird and kind of cool."

    As we continued to drive, he had time to think, and ask some insightful questions. He also began to worry about what this means for him and mom, and what the future will bring, he is sad, angry, confused, and fearful. It is a lot to take. My wife was wonderful with him, meeting him where he is at, addressing the fears, but also showing genuine understanding and compassion for where I am at.

    I am grateful he can express his emotions, whatever they may be. And I know this is the beginning if his journey with this.
     
  2. Spaceman

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    What a big milestone for you! I hope you feel some relief having done it and knowing it’s the start of a more genuine relationship between you and your son.

    I expect to tell my 11 and 8 year old daughters that I’m gay later this month. It’s been nearly a year since I moved out of the family home at my wife’s request after I came out to her. So my kids have had time to adapt to the reality of their parents living apart. That’s been the hard part and I really believe finding out I’m gay will be easier by comparison.

    I do struggle with what to advise them about telling their friends. I want to tell them it’s their choice whether or not to tell anyone, but that feels like a really heavy decision to leave up to kids this age. Telling them to keep it a secret feels wrong too because it’s basically asking them to go into the closet.

    If they do decide to tell friends, I feel they need to know that there may be some teasing and negative reactions. I also want them to know that even close friends who promises to keep it a secret probably won’t be able too. Any way you slice it, I feel like I’m putting a burden on my kids that they don’t deserve and that makes me feel like crap.

    Wondering how you’re handling this issue with your son and would love to hear opinions from others as well.
     
  3. SpaceSuit

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    That is wonderful. I'm glad that you were able to tell him and that he is free to express himself the way that he needs to right now. It sounds like you have a very understanding family though I'm sure this must have been hard.
     
  4. Frkldbklvr45

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    I am so happy to read this. I am so fearful of what my kids will go through when I decide to really come all the way out. It is so nice to see you both handle it in a good way for your son. Good job dad! and mom!
     
  5. Candace

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    I'm really happy to hear this and that you can still have a good relationship with your son :grin:. (!) (!)
     
  6. quietman702

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    BE I'm very proud of you and your son. I'm glad it was able to be a good experience.
     
  7. GrumpyOldLady

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    That's awesome. "Weird and cool" is high praise from an 11-year-old.
     
  8. Richie.

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    Excellent well done! Glad you have support!
     
  9. BeingEarnest

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    Dear spaceman,

    One of the many hard decisions in telling my son is whether or not to put this burden on his shoulders. In telling my story to him, I talked about the bullying I received as a child and teen, and the responses of people today. He asked if he can tell his friends. I asked that he not do so at this time, and he seemed to understand. I also told him of many people who know, and would be able to talk and listen any time. I have already spoken to his therapist, and plan to take him to see her soon.

    For us as a family, it was becoming increasingly difficult and painful for my wife and I to keep a secret in our household. We want our relationship based on truth.

    The other internal piece for me was knowing that if I tell my son, there is always the possibility that he may tell his friends, and the word could get out instantly. If it does happen, we are better able now to face it as a family. A real fear for me was that he would hear about it from someone else.

    He has lots of questions that I do not have answers for. Are you getting a divorce is his primary one. We assured him that we are together now, that we do not know what the future will bring, but no matter what, we will always be a family, and that we will always love him and care for him.
     
    #9 BeingEarnest, Oct 5, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2014
  10. SaleGayGuy

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    Hi BeingEarnest, congratulations on finding the courage to tell your son..

    I have a vague recollection that sometime in the last 6 months I had seen on EC mention of a book or website specifically aimed at children of gay parents to help them make better sense of the situation. If I can find it i'll forward it on to you, or perhaps this will jog someone else's memory and they can provide the details.

    SGG
     
  11. Spaceman

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    Thanks for the update BeingEarnest. I think this is the website SGG is talking about: COLAGE: People with a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, or Queer Parent It has lots of first hand experiences from kids who have been through this. Several have had to face teasing, some have embraced the role of advocating for greater acceptance of gay people and non traditional families.
     
  12. lb41974

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    This story has inspired me and given me an idea on how to tell my kids . I only hope that they take it as well . Thanks for sharing you story I hope you and your son contiue to stay close and get even closer now :slight_smile:
     
  13. KyleD

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    I am so happy for you! Congrats!
     
  14. BeingEarnest

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    Day 2- my son is going through a lot of the emotions, but he seems to be handling it well, and asking lots of questions. We tell him he can talk any time.

    He told a friend of his about it- someone I would happily tell myself. That seemed to help him. We keep assuring him that we are all together and working through this. He seemed happy when he went to bed.

    For me, it is emotional to see him go through this- painful to know this is bringing him such pain and uncertainty, but also moments of real relief, as we are free to be honest and open.