Having told a gay woman I became friends with recently that I'm really attracted to her and I think I'm gay (I've had marriage problems for a while and no sex with my husband for ages and find that whole side of him (and I thought men) very unattractive), she said I may not necessarily be gay. I may just have a thing for her. She is reluctant to get involved on any level with me because I'm married with kids etc. and finds it all very complicated :icon_sad: I'm a very black and white person and all this not knowing stuff is driving me crazy :bang:. On another thread, I was advised to look at men and women when I'm out and about, on TV etc. etc. and see what floats my boat. I can definitely tell if a guy is attractive, and even if I find him attractive, but I'm also noticing women I'm attracted too all the time now. So does that mean I'm bi but with a strong preference for women or could I be gay yet still recognise when a guy is good looking? I've never had any experience with a woman and am completely infatuated with my friend right now, so it would be easy to think I'm gay, but her words keep going through my mind i.e. that it could just be a 'her' thing rather than overall gay thing? I told her about this forum and that there are many women at my age, in my situation who suddenly realise they are gay or bi etc. and she was genuinely surprised. Anyway, because I like things black and white, I would be happier with a label, although lots have said it's not necessary. For me though, I will need to tell my husband at some point soon and it would be very good to know myself what I am before trying to explain it to him. I have reached out to an old counsellor who I am hoping to see next week but I'm just in limbo at the moment. I really want to go to a gay bar to see how I feel there but do not have the courage to go on my own as I've never been to one before and don't want to feel awkward or out of place, and other than this woman, I have NO contact with any gay women at all so don't know how to meet them...
Hi I totally understand you with the black and white thing, I prefer labels too, they seem to reassure me I guess. But the thing is, sexual orientation really is just a spectrum. The majority of people just tend to go towards the opposite sex, as it is what society tells them to do. So they don't think much, they just act. And that's why many might find themselves attracted to their own gender later in life. They just didn't go looking anywhere else than where they were socially supposed to. And I am in no way criticising those people, they were attracted to men, so they had no reason to question themselves. I mean, that's what I believe. But this probably only, or mostly, happens to bi (or pansexual) people. So I would guess you are a bi woman, who's just realised her attraction towards other women. It may be more or less strong than towards men, but it is here, so yeah. You could be lesbian too, but you have to remember homosexuality isn't just about physical attraction and sex, it's also about love. So if you've already loved a man, I don't think you'd be only lesbian. But then again, this also goes with sexual attraction. That's why I'd strongly believe you're gay. You haven't had the chance to fall in love yet, but you're attracted to women, so your brain wants you to go towards them, it wants more. Attraction often leads to love, so yeah hope you're getting what I'm saying. I don't want to contradict myself aha. So I think you should go for it, I mean, for girls. Then, to find gay women.. If that lesbian friend of yours really doesn't want to go to a gay bar with you, and you still don't find the courage to go alone, you could still go to a lesbian band's concert..I guess... Maybe you could try and make it a little obvious (just a little) that you're gay, and go to an ordinary bar? Gay people are everywhere, so maybe you can just try do some activities you like, and as soon as you meet an LGBT person, which in addition will have at least one interest in common with you (that activity you're doing), they could end up presenting you to their circle of gay friends. And the more gay people you meet, the more of them you will meet So yeah. Other gay places are gay bookshops, prides... You may meet more masculin lesbians in stereotypically male activities, and vice-versa to meet more feminin gay men. Try and develop your gaydar. Oh and why not ask that gay woman to meet her friends? Hope to have helped, and sorry for the English mistakes. ---------- Post added 5th Oct 2014 at 06:02 PM ---------- Okay, the second paragraph is totally messed up. I basically meant that I think you're bi, not just a lesbian, cause you have loved men, and still are attracted to them. But you're also attracted to women. You might not have noticed it before, but this is the way it is now. There will be no more questionning when you'll have fallen in love with a girl. Love usually starts with attraction, so attraction leads to love in a lot of cases. So I dunno, it's linked, so there's no "a "her" thing". And even if it is, it might just be that you're 99% more attracted to men. But if this is the case, you're still bi aha.
I don't necessarily agree that because you have previously loved a man you can't be gay now. You can and you might be. What is most important in labelling yourself is to be sure of the correct label and so going about looking for attraction is a good idea to start working that out. Do you fantasise? If so, which gender features more prominently? Do you watch porn? Which genre do you gravitate towards? Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you are gay/bi/straight. Which is the one that you instinctively feel is most appropriate? Women in particular are known to have a more fluid sexuality and you may well have found your "trigger crush" that alerts you to the possibility that you might not be as straight as you thought. At some point, something will feel right and comfortable and you will know. Hugs xx
Honestly, I never would have believed I was gay, and I have had different people throughout my life question me regarding this. I was married, and at the time thought I loved him but came to realize I never really did, not in a romantic love kind of way. I was always emotionally distant and didn't think I could be romantic and it was not until recently (and not my trigger crush) that I fell in love and I now understand what love is. It's like the whole world makes sense to me now. My ex and I did not have a very active sex life, I thought there was something wrong with me. We were not that close, again, I thought there was something wrong with me. I dated and was attracted to men, but never in the way I was to women once I acknowledged the attractions. I never had this 'teenage' feeling as much when I actually was a teenager. I did what I thought I should. I thought I should like boys, I thought I should get married, I thought I should have kids, etc. I thought wrong. Once I realized I was gay, the 'attraction' I had for men quickly disappeared because it was never really there. I notice women in a way I never noticed men. I will see a man sometime and think he is good looking, but I am in no way physically attracted to him nor do I ever want a relationship with a man. I want a relationship with a woman, I want it all with a woman. My ex and I had many problems before my trigger crush entered my life and as I said, our sex life was almost non-existant and it was a chore on my part when it did happen. But when I look back before him, men never did a lot for me. I do recall having attraction to women, but not realizing what this meant at the time. I think it was the combination of a marriage that was very rocky, no physical/sexual attraction, and my trigger crush that started the path. I think some of us need a little more push than others to realize what is actually quite obvious sometimes (sometimes not), but in my case it was very obvious. Try not to overthink too much because that will just increase your confusion, and this is coming from someone who needs to overthink everything. This is the one thing I didn't need to think too much about, it was more about what I felt. Where to meet other lesbians is a difficult situation. I don't suggest asking to meet your friend's friends. That is setting yourself up for disaster at this point. You need to meet some people outside her social circle. You could go to gay bar if that's what you think you would like, but it could be uncomfortable to go by yourself at this point, especially if you are unsure. LGBT events or groups is a good idea, are there any support groups in your area? You could also look into LGBT support hotlines to have someone to talk to about this while waiting to see your counsellor. The best way to meet people is in your everyday life which is difficult when you are not out and you can't always recognize who is gay. I discovered the longer I've been open to myself and more aware of my surroundings (women), it's much easier to find them, in fact I didn't realize how often there was a woman checking me out It's something we are not aware of until we begin doing the same and then you will realize. Personally, I did the online dating thing, with the intention of finding friends only. I did make some friends this way, and ok fell in love with one but that was never my intention. These sites are not recommended by many and have a high failure rate and are risky, but it's not impossible. You just need to find people who are looking for the same thing as you, and they are out there.
From experience.. if you are gay and you fall in love with a woman…there will be NO doubt any longer in your mind.
I fell for a friend too, I wasn't brave enough to tell her. I don't know what I am but I know I love her. If she were open to that I would be with her. It's too complicated to go into but I have taken it that I am Bi at the moment. I have no experience with women so who knows if that will change in the future. I think only time will tell but I think you are at least Bi. You clearly have feelings for this woman, what does it matter if it's just her or not? If you have feelings for someone there's not a lot you can do about it. It's not all about sex. It's so much more than that. I don't know why I fell for this woman but I did from day one! The feelings just got stronger and stronger until I had to tell someone. The rest is history. Why does your friend think it is a problem that you only have feelings for her? Is she scared you will change your mind? I would think its nice if you only had feelings for her? Good luck, all very confusing I know. Sorry if I'm not much help I'm still confused myself but I hope you find what makes you happy. That's all that matters in life at the end if the day. It's not about labels.
Wow, thanks everyone - such good help and advice, thank you. I don't really fantasise that much, but since I fell for my crush, I have watched a few lesbian films (Room in Rome is my favourite which really turned me on!) and some lesbian porn - but that was just crap and obviously made for a male audience! In the past, I have been turned on by straight couples on tv/film too, hence my confusion. I suppose it would be easier to say 'I'm gay' because it might make the conversation with my husband go a bit easier and one which wouldn't leave him feeling like a complete failure. However, after reading everything you've said, perhaps I'm bi, but with a STRONG leaning towards women. I remember fancying the idea of kissing another girl from when I was a teenager and this 'fantasy' has never left me. However, I wanted to be married and have kids etc. and so I took the route expected of me i.e. with a man. I'm rubbish at picking husbands though and have had a couple of failed marriages already. Sex with men (when it was good - which wasn't with all my sexual partners) was really about f***ing i.e. the act and how it made ME feel, rather than the love making if that makes sense. I think you're right. I also think we are similar in many ways you describe. I am open to a bi label changing in the future and I think because all of this is so new to me (about 2 months old!) I may need to label myself in stages!! You are also right in that it is not about sex. There is something about her. Her personality, her confidence, her...something that I just gravitate towards. The more time I spend with her the more I feel for her. We are having dinner tomorrow night (a pre-arranged thing). I think if she reiterates again that she doesn't want to be anything more than friends with me then I will need to try to move on somehow from her. There is a chance she may change her mind since I only told her how I felt a few days ago and she said she needed time to process it herself. It's a problem for her because she is single, 20 years older than me and I am married with children, one of whom is only a toddler. She has admitted that she is attracted to me but that my situation may be too complicated for her and is concerned about the age difference. And you have been a help. I think because you are almost just as confused as I am and it really helps hearing from someone who also isn't entirely sure yet. I think though, that going with a 'bi' label at the moment feels right, even though I would have preferred something more definitive!
I think going for dinner with her is a good idea. You need to know how she feels. There is nothing worse than feelings being one sided. Age shouldn't matter as long as you are both comfortable with it. Your children will adjust but she must accept they are your life and they come with you. It is obviously sad when a marriage breaks down and I don't believe in affairs. However I also don't believe you should stay in a relationship if you are unhappy. Just make sure you don't hurt your husband more than necessary. My husband had an affair and it really hurt me that after 19 years together he lied and cheated. I would have had more respect for him if he had told me. I told him about my feelings for the woman I fell for. I didn't act on them for the sake of our marriage. His actions have left me so angry. Don't make that mistake. If you and your friend want to be together you need to tell him sooner rather than later. Personally I think this situation all stems on your friend. I really hope she feels the same way as you do. I think the chance is she does if she is meeting you. Just ensure she wants your life as well as you. Good luck. Keep us posted. (*hug*)
OMG, it was AMAZING! I really thought she was going to tell me that she couldn't be friends because my situation was too complicated and even though she fancied me, she couldn't continue things. HOWEVER, it was a while into the meal before we even started to talk about it so I brought it up. A very long story short, I basically said that I didn't want to stop being friends and that if she didn't want to be my friend with benefits (because that's all I want at the moment and certainly not another relationship) that I would 'move on' from her as I recognised she was just a catalyst for all these new feelings (of course, moving on from her would be soooo hard but I didn't want to put her under any more pressure). I then said that if there wasn't to be anything between us in that way, would she would come to a gay bar with me or something so I can see for myself some stuff. She said yes straight away. However, during the rest of the meal, it was like I had relieved her of the pressure and it turns out that she is finding the age gap difficult. It transpired that she is worried that once I start this journey of self discovery, I might find a younger version to be friends with! It was like the first time she really opened herself up to me. I just grabbed her hand and squeezed it reassuringly... After that, things were a lot less strained and the evening was fab. We also almost touched lips when kissing good-bye (baby steps!!) and she's asked me to go to an evening in at some of her friends in a week or so. Regarding the physical side, she said let's just rub along together first and see where it takes us. OMG, I couldn't be happier! I am totally into her and she later sent me a text thanking me for making her feel desirable... well, she's hot and doesn't look or act her age at all so is very desirable!! One thing that has become clear to me, and I told her last night was that I'm definitely bi with a STRONG leaning towards women and I probably always have been. I may be gay, but that doesn't quite sit right so I'm happy to say I'm bi (even though I've never done anything with a woman!! In terms of the rest, I have now booked to see my counsellor on Friday. She has been good in the past with unrelated problems at helping me find direction. But I will need to have a conversation with my husband (who I have already told definitely no more sex ever but that I need more time to process some stuff and then will be able to tell him more). He's being very patient (something which doesn't come easily to him at all). I've also told him I'm seeing my counsellor. Everyone here is right though in that I will need to tell him soon - in a couple of weeks may be. My crush said I will never be able to predict his reaction and I hate the unknown but I have to say, telling her was actually the hardest for me. I have already planned how my husband and I might split living arrangements etc. It is very sad but I'm not sure why he would want to stay living with me once he knows the full story. Who knows, when it comes down to it, it will probably be just as hard telling him. I'll keep you all updated and thanks again for your words of wisdom and experience. It's helping me handle all this much better than I would have otherwise. Hugs xx (&&&)
Well it is understandable she is reluctant as you are still in a relationship. I would suggest if you are not interested in your husband that you two seperate so you can be free to explore and if it turns out you are bi, possibly reconcile with your hubby.
