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In love with best friend. How do I tell my husband - if I do? (long)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Amy75, Oct 7, 2014.

  1. Amy75

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    I have no idea where to turn and the one person who I could talk to is the one person I shouldn't talk to. My best friend.

    I've been married for 15 years, small children, mortgage, the whole shebang. It's not been an awesome marriage - particularly the last 8 years or so with DH suffering from depression and the associated medicated induced lack of libido amongst other issues. We have been very distant from each other for a very long time including him developing a deep attraction to one of my friends a few years ago. I realized I no longer was in love with him last year when I caught myself flirting with intent at a function. And I didn't feel bad about it.

    Fast forward to Jan and I met a woman at another party and was instantly intrigued. She told me she was bi and I remember wondering what that was like. I've never discounted same-sex relationships, but never consciously thought about it as an option for me either.

    Anyway, we became close. We talked about everything and it went both ways. I can't recall the last time I was this close to anyone. We would go out socialising but would want it to just be us so we would stay out until the small hours of the morning talking, talking, talking. It was amazing. Even she would say it felt like we were dating. Then she had a brief fling with a mutual (male) friend and I realised that I was very jealous. Where on earth did these feelings come from?

    I managed to orchestrate a weekend away with friends (no husband) and for one reason or another we ended up sharing a bed. When I got into bed, she put her arms around me and held me. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was amazing - just having that sense of intimacy for the first time since I can remember.

    There was lots of physical touch over the next few weeks until one night we were out - alone - and I threw caution to the wind and kissed her. Properly. And she reciprocated. She has VERY strong feelings about infidelity so this was a huge thing for her as well. The rest is as they say history. And I was constantly asking myself why I was doing this to my husband but how could it feel so incredibly right. A few weeks later - she told me we could only be friends because of the married thing. My heart was broken.

    Since then I have suffered incredible anxiety, severe depression etc etc. I have told my husband I don't love him anymore and he has more or less guessed why but I can't bring myself to actually admit my love for my friend - and of course the infidelity. He has even asked me outright. He is adamant that he doesn't want me to leave him and has been trying but it feels like too little too late. I tried so hard for so long.

    She is very good at compartmentalizing her life and just distracts herself with over work, watching too much TV, going out with other people and writing herself off etc. We try to socialize but it almost always ends up with me not being able to control my anxiety and behaving badly. (I am medicated but it's not enough) but regardless of this we talk in one way or another every solitary day. I miss her so much. I miss our friendship, our relationship, the physical part of it too. But she triggers anxiety in me and I like to flatter myself in thinking I trigger self destructive behaviour in her. I don't even know what would happen between us if I DID leave my husband. And of course there's kids and the financial implications as well.

    So after all that back story... I would love to know if anyone has ever been here. I feel so confused. There's no one I can talk to. I can't even discuss this with my therapist and I have tried. Do I tell (confirm) to my husband even though I have no idea as to what happens next? How do I even do that? I could have said "yes" to any of his direct questions. Is it really a question of changing orientation on my part or is it just an intimacy thing and by extension a "her" thing? I can't imagine being attracted to a man ever again right now. I don't want to hurt my husband any more than I already am. He's not a bad guy. But i can't imagine not exploring happiness with her - not that I know she is actually offering it. Any advice - or similar stories - anyone can offer to my seriously confused head would be wonderful.
     
  2. Really

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  3. DancingGirl

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    This sounds familiar. Almost exactly. Except my trigger crush is lesbian and currently in a LTR too. Very complicated stuff.
    Welcome to EC. You certainly are not alone here. There are a number of us who have very similar stories. Most are in the suggested above thread. Including my own.
    I am hear to chat if you need to talk some things out.
     
  4. Penpal

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    Oh this is bringing back a lot to me. I fell for a friend who I was spending time with because my marriage was awful. My husband was out all the time, drinking etc. I didn't tell her but I fell in love with her. We spent so much time together, we are both musical so while she sang i played guitar. She had been through a divorce and we talked a lot, helping each other. She turned out to be Bi. I told her I was and we spent a lot of time talking and confiding in each other. However when my marriage started to crumble and i said i needed to work on my marriage she said she couldn't be there for me anymore and basically cut me off. Even though there was nothing between us I was heart broken. She was with someone so i don't think she was attracted to me. I was crying all the time, depressed, I was a mess. My husband guessed why and I confirmed it. To start with he was supportive but in the end he found someone else. He is quite homophobic and I don't think he could cope with it. I had chosen to work on my marriage, I made the wrong choice. My friend is with another woman so nothing would have happened but the pain of losing just the friendship was too much.
    My friend is now talking to me again but I am being so careful. I have had 10 months of counselling and I still cry over her.
    I have 2 young children and was with my ex for 19 years. We are currently going through a divorce. His new relationship ended very quickly. I'm currently on my own and putting my life back together bit by bit.
    Sorry this isn't a positive story. I think yours could be different as your friend appears to have feelings for you too. I do hope so. Good luck. Feel free to talk to me anytime.
     
  5. JB1973

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    Well you have certainly come to the right place. I have been on here for a month or so now and read the whole thread that has been mentioned above (and contributed to it!). You and I are in very similar situations, although I'm probably a few weeks ahead and my crush, although is sceptical, might come round (she is gay and single). I am also married, kids etc. etc. and have also told my husband (the other day!) that I don't ever want anymore sex but I haven't told him about the whole bi thing yet, as I have been questioning like you, until er...last night when certain things clicked into place. (I realised I was bi with a strong preference for women and probably have been my whole life. I may be gay but I'm not there yet mentally!) My husband is also trying very very hard to be everything I ever wanted him to be (we have also had our problems) but I also feel it's too late.

    I feel liberated and will tell him soon, but am seeing a counsellor I used to see years ago about something else, at the end of this week, so will see what her advice is on how to deal with him.

    You will find plenty of support here and the people that have replied already are all in very similar situations. Keep us updated and do try to speak to someone about it, even if it's a different counsellor or just us! This forum has helped me immensely hopefully you will find the same x
     
  6. Amy75

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    Oh wow. It is so good to read these stories. If only tonight wasn't the night I forgot to bring my computer charger home from work and I have zero battery left. I have glanced at the other thread and as soon as I am powered up again I will sit down with a wine and have a proper read. I finally don't feel like I am alone and going out of my mind. All stories - regardless of outcome - are good for me to read. Thank you ALL for sharing. I had dinner with her tonight as husband was at a work thing. I did tell him I was going. At least I am honest about that. All I wanted to do was put my arms around her. So hard. But it was so good to see each other. Dammit why did I forget my charger??? Until tomorrow night! And the other thread.