How to tell with out destroying her

Everyone else wouldn't necessarily be better off, because life changes, and we don't know what it will bring. That said, I think it's honorable that you care about your wife enough to consider what would hurt, and what would help...but in the end, are you REALLY being kind to her? To yourself? She wanted to know...'is it me'..and you told her it wasn't. The next thing she'll want to know is..'if it's NOT me, then what is it'.

She may want to deny it..this is true. She may want to go on living life as if nothing is different. That being said..is SHE being selfish for doing so? Is she willing to consider how YOU would feel?

The only PROS that exist benefit other people, and don't help you at all. Really..they don't help EITHER of you, because in the end, neither of you would be happy.

Just my two cents..

 

It may seem like it's better for everyone else if you stay in the closet, but no it's not. And no matter how much you want to self-sacrifice to keep peace, you won't be able to continue doing that or it will destroy you. I tried the self-sacrifice for the sake of my family and ended up in a major depression and anorexic. When I did tell my husband, it was a huge relief and has been better for both of us. We weren't happy anyways, but my coming out freed us. It does sound like your wife may be suspicious and if that's the case may not want to know, but it doesn' mean that is what's best.

 

The thing is by not living your own truth you deny others the right to live a true existence. Imagine if parents decided to never reveal the truth about Santa Claus out of sheer fear that that truth would shatter their world.

It won't be easy and there will be tough times ahead but living authentically for yourself will allow others the chance for a complete authentic existence not to be trapped inside of an illusion of authenticity.

 

BJD,

You think your wife wants to live in denial - and that's quite possible. What do you want? That will make a big difference in how to proceed.

 

A) she is tronger than you think
B) she knows already to some degree
C) closet is screaming to protect itself

In the end we only fool ourselves.

 

Your happiness is just as important as everyone else's. You believe that by coming out you will destroy her life, well you won't, don't live a life in pain. Be true it's the only way to be.

 

Or let's flip the question: how do you not tell her without destroying yourself? Can you picture yourself in 25 years still on the current path?

 

Hey BDJ, I am in the exact spot you are. I came out to my wife about 10 days ago. I expected for her to freak out be angry, and end the marriage... she didn't... she has been somewhat supportive and want us to stay married. But to do that I will have to stay in the closet... so I am torn... just like you... I have two kids (girls 12 & 14) and I think if I leave, what will that do to them??? and my wife??? but if I stay, can I live with myself... no matter what someone gets hurt, and/or resentment builds... I hate no knowing what to do!

 

The better question.

And this would likely not just be destructive to self, but destructive to her as well.

That was a tipping point for me.

 

My wife was in the same dream world. No real job, no responsibilities other than managing the kids' schedules, and basically incapable of functioning without constant phone calls to me and seeking my "opinions" that really were just affirmations of what she already thought. I suspected that she already was figuring out I was gay, but I couldn't imagine her being able to function on her own it I told her and eventually was out of the picture.

Fast forward a little over a year since I told her. She spent 10 months being secretly convinced that this was all some ruse I came up with to get out of being married, and made no effort to become more independent until I got completely fed up and started pushing her. She now has a full time job that she complains about constantly, makes a lot of pointed comments about how hard it is to be a single mom (with me still living at home!!!), whines about being expected to contribute towards bills, and the place still looks like an episode of Hoarders.

The point is - her life really hasn't changed much. And I've come to realize that a pretty fair chunk of that naive dream world she was living in was self-imposed denial to keep up the really cushy life she had managed to squeeze out of a husband who was petrified of having his secret come out. I'm feeling rather annoyed at her today so that sounds a little more irritable than I typically am! But as Basil said, how do you NOT tell her without destroying YOURSELF?

I look at myself now and I see a man who is far happier, more open, more realistic in my dealings with my kids (which isn't to say we always get along! But I'm a more effective parent), more assertive at work, and even somewhat healthier physically as well as emotionally. I still have challenges facing me, but I'm more available to the people I love, and that's a good thing.

I look at her and I see someone who has challenges of her own. She's angry and resentful that she's being slowly forced to take some responsibility for her life, but that's a big part of being an adult that she has used me to hide from for 20+ years. I felt horrible at the start for pulling the rug out from under her, but I've also come to realize that I actually WAS the rug she was standing on, which is no way to live. She has the option of dealing with change and growing as a person, or remaining helpless until some new person decides to rescue her as I did years ago. Either way her life isn't likely to change as much as you think. I too was expecting wholesale devastation for her, but it really hasn't changed her much. It has, however, made me realize a little bit better who SHE is, as well as who I am. Honesty isn't always fun when it's happening, but it's generally for the best in the end.

 

Based on your description, it seems pretty clear that she knows (or strongly suspects) you are gay but does not want to deal with the upheaval that would result if you come out. There are plenty of people who will do what it takes to maintain the stability of the status quo at all costs...it's human nature. But I think you know there will be a price to pay for both of you if you remain closeted.

When I came out to my wife a year ago, l too spent a lot of time wondering if she suspected. She says it was a total shock, but I think she must have wondered after 20+ years together. I now think she had her suspicions but decided it was better to maintain the nuclear family (especially for our kids) than face the harsh truth...even if it meant living with a detached, depressed husband who had little interest in sex. It was a sacrifice she was wiling to make.

Now that time has passed, I've come to realize it doesn't really matter if she suspected, if she knew or had no idea. The truth is the truth. I'm gay and always will be. Denying it had become unbearable. Yes, this is terribly unfair to her. She didn't deserve it and I continue to struggle with guilt.

I think we focus on whether our wives suspected because, if they did, it somehow lets us transfer part of the responsibility for the situation away from us and onto them...she must have known but she married me anyway...that was her choice. But in my opinion that line of thinking doesn't hold up unless you told her you were gay before getting married.

One final thought. If you decide not to tell her, where will you be a year from now? Or two years or five? You'll be right where you are today, but that much older and with that much less time for both of you to begin building lives that aren't built on a foundation of denial and fear.

 

Hi,

Rightly or not I felt a duty/responsibility to stay until children were adults. When that happened i gave myself permission.

I do not recconend it though in hindsight.

Tom

 

There will never be a good time - just a less bad time. You know her better. Do your best and rip the band aid off.

What do you want the next step to be? Do you want a divorce? An open marriage? You probably should have an answer for "why are you telling me this" ready.

 

Hello bjd400 - my story is that my wife found out by accident 3 years ago - which I do not recommend. It would have been much better at least for me I had been in control of the situation and told her at the right time and in the right manner. But still at least it was out in the open. That was the first hurdle. The next one is the fact that I have met someone and want to move out - and this I am planning carefully to minimise the trauma. The tipping point I think is when you fully realise that you cannot live until you die in an inauthentic suppressed state and also that you only live once. My children are adults now too - that helps. My wife does not want me to leave - its being on her own that she fears.

 

My daughters are 13 and almost 17. Both are completely, 100% straight. The 17 year old has been extremely accepting and almost enthusiastic. The 13 year old is very much wrapped up in all her middle school drama and isn't very interested in anything her parents might have to say! Both are very direct kids who know other gay people and are very open-minded, and both recognize how much happier I am. We even joke about it (we agreed watching Dolphin Tale that the youngest gets the main character, the oldest gets the hunky cousin who was disabled, and I get Harry Connick Jr.!) I should also add that they have a somewhat contentious relationship with their mother, who can be overbearing and has a tendency to think of everything in terms of who it affects her and no one else. That had started causing issues long before I came out, and I've tried very hard to stay neutral. The last thing I want is to be accused of manipulating them and poisoning them against her. Sadly, though, she is doing a very good job of that completely on her own.