I have a question for those who have come out to their spouse and stayed married. How have you made it work? I recently told my husband that I'm a lesbian, and that I knew it when I married him. We are living apart for unrelated reasons and he wants me to take him back. Even if I can move past the reasons he left, I'm really torn between trying again for the benefit of my 6 year old, or using this separation as a chance to move forward in accepting myself. My husband has made it clear that if I do take him back, it means basically pushing myself further into the closet forever. Any thoughts would be appreciated!
Even though I'm not one of the people you were looking for advice from, staying together "Just for the kids" tends to create hostile enviroments, which last for years, that the kids pick up on. It never works from what I've seen, and it seems like the only person that'll be benefiting from this arrangement (though only slightly) is your husband. I wouldn't get back with your husband if I were you. Nothing good will come of it really.
My parents, to my knowledge, did not split up due to questions of sexuality, but they stayed together "for the kids" for years. It sucked living with two miserable people for all that time.
There are mixed orientation marriages that work, but the only examples I have seen involve 1) some degree of openness (often discreet so that you are closeted but not celibate) 2) a religious conviction that prevents the gay partner from acting on their feelings
It's not worth it. You have your freedom now, and that will be much better for you and as a result for your 6 year old. Getting back together with your husband and going into the closet will only delay the end result and you will be back where you are now, only with more damage to everyone done. Take your freedom, be true to yourself, and move forward
I stayed for my son. My situation is a bit different from yours...but I'm paying for it now. Don't stay just for your child.
There are mixed orientation marriages that work, but the only examples I have seen involve 1) some degree of openness (often discreet so that you are closeted but not celibate) 2) a religious conviction that prevents the gay partner from acting on their feelings
I just read your "My ex wants me back" post and I believe that taking your husband back is not what you really want so, please, don't even consider this option. Btw I just cast I Ching for myself and got a wonderful reply. One of the lines says: If truth goes unspoken - perhaps out of fear - then there will be misfortune in the end. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
Thanks for all the advice.. Most of these thoughts have already gone through my head many times.. I feel selfish, Maybe if he hadn't been so abusive the first time, I would think differently.. but I can't wrap my head around trying to force myself into a mold that doesn't make me happy and having it work long term.
I don't think it is selfish to stay out of a relationship that was abusive, and that's not even taking orientation issues into account.
ok gotta weigh in here, because my situation is similar to yours. my ex and i split in june of last year for non LGBT issues. i stayed for years partly because of the kid. by the end of july he said Dad it is so much more relaxed here in the house with mom not here. (it isn't that he doesn't love his mom but he got to see what it is to live with out the stress of two people in conflict.) he said to me a few months ago that myself and his mom should never get together, EVER! staying or getting back together for the kids, is not good for the kids. they know even from a young age and while it is challenging to help them keep a relationship with the estranged parent they are better off than living in a pressure cooker.
I wish I knew what the long term answer is but I am staying right now because I have a husband that is the sweetest, most understanding, tolerant and patient man on this earth. He told me many times, long before I even thought it was a possibility, that I was a lesbian. When I was depressed years ago, he told me to join an LGBT group. I laugh now because I said " you have to be gay to join " That was long before the lightning bolt hit, the wall came crashing down on my head and my world as I knew it ended. Looking back if this would have happened at a younger age…I would have separated without hesitation. I have never been able to give my husband the kind of love that I felt for a woman, the kind of love he deserves. I would have separated so that we could both find happiness and fulfillment. I believe that if the kids were at a young age , they would have accepted it. Not so much now. If you have other problems in your marriage then I think it's a no brainer…get on with your life and let him get on with his. The longer you wait the harder it will be…and the simple truth is, it will be, because you can only live in a closet so long.
I am currently living with my husband and our son but it is only working because I am not currently dating or seeking relationships and we sleep in separate bedrooms/don't have sex. I have expressed interest in dating eventually and we currently have a don't ask don't tell dating agreement, I just haven't acted on it yet. I have no idea how well it will go once that starts happening on either side. I don't know what you mean by "deeper in the closet" but if it includes you living with him and having to perform "wifely duties" when it isn't desired I would not do it. I think if you can't come to an agreement that will benefit both parties, it's just going to make you miserable and dead inside. My two cents.
My thoughts exactly. Also, my story is posted in the 'coming out' threads. You can gauge from that how successful the 'stay because of the kids' idea will be. You have to consider yourself...for your happiness and well being. I know when you're actually in the middle of it, it's harder to make a sound decision...but you have to.
My parents stayed together for the kids and it was a mistake. You have already gone through many feelings and a process to get where you are. At this point do you feel you could even go back in? I know, I would like to go back to denial too but I'm finding it impossible. I cannot put the lid back on no matter how hard I try. I think it would be torture for you to deny yourself a true life. Take your time.
