So. I've met a girl. That sounds wrong, and she's actually older than me, but she's young at heart and that's how I feel. We met on one of those online match-up websites, messaged for about a month, crossed paths briefly at an all Lesbian festival, then finally arranged to meet one on one. We met for coffee on a Saturday morning, about a week and a half ago. That cup of coffee lasted for 3 hours. This Friday will be our 5th date in two weeks. I wasn't looking for a relationship, I was very clear about that from the get go. I just wanted to expand my network, socialize, hopefully make some friends in the local lesbian community. My hope has always been to fall in love with a friend. Get to know someone and discover an irresistible attraction the closer I came to them, not to look for an attraction then try to like who they are. Well, after more than a year on that dating site, it seems to be happening, but now I'm at a total loss. I have no idea what to do! How do I make that leap from friend to more? And my quandary doesn't just derive from my self-instated 'friend zone', but from my own insecurities, inhibitions, issues - call them what you will. I have problems with intimacy. I have very thick walls and tremendous body armour to protect myself. I keep EVERYONE in my life at an arm's length, and only the most beloved even make it that close. My ex says I won't let myself be 'vulnerable'. (Which is probably the reason I married him - but that's a story for another thread.) I know all this and I am consciously working toward conquering these issues, but I have no idea how! Add to these issues the fact that I have not been physically intimate or even kissed another person (other than one regrettable, drunken fumble) in more than a platonic way in YEARS and you understand my dilemma. She & I have shared a few, obviously contrived and just slightly provocative but fleeting touches - the kind that could have become more but didn't - the last two times we've been together. We've also been in positions that could have been deemed extremely provocative, were it not for the excuse of instructional body positioning for a sport - and the fact that we were both fully dressed. But the fleeting touches ended, as did the lessons, without going beyond. So my questions to this forum are multiple. 1. How do I let her know I'd like to go beyond the friend zone? 2. How do I take the next step, to go beyond the fleeting touch? 3. How do I get past my own head and allow my desires to take rein?
Just tell her that you like her. If she likes you back great but if not then at least you know where you stand. You wont get anywhere by being a timmid little mouse
Tell her this: Seriously just tell her what you've told us...that you got on that site to make friends, that you've started to feel something more for her. If that part goes well and she expresses interest, tell your scared and nervous, that its been a long time since you were intimate. I dunno, I'm kinda a novice at this myself, but at 27 I think I'm a bit old for the subtle dating games of highschool. You just got to invite her to dinner and simply tell it like it is, in a romantic way of course. Or simply ask her on a date.
This isn't a smoke and mirrors situation that I usually delt. You both know where you stand sexually. I would tell her openly if there is a possibility of being more than friends. I think once you passed that awkward friends to lovers phase, your other worries will solve themselves out.
Hi, Sometimes the most intimate of experiences can simply be the soft caress of each other's hands, and looking at each other. I am sure she is also wondering how to go beyond being friends. Just hold her hand, focus on that and do it tenderly. No need for words or grand gestures... You may also break the tension simply by stopping, turning around to face her, and give her an unexpected kiss. This works rather well!
In regard to the bolded part, what is she looking for? Part of the hesitation on her part or yours might be related to this. I've seen situations where one party wants a FWB relationship and the other wants something more, and it doesn't end well sometimes. On the other hand, I've seen people who both start out just wanting a FWB relationship and then later one party changed their minds to wanting something more.
I know how you feel! I was only looking for friends and found the most amazing person. I've always been very distant and have attachment issues. Unfortunately, so does my friend. We are progressing slowly, and to be honest I would wait a very long time for her to get where I am (I don't think that will be necessary as we seem to be getting closer every week). What I did was be honest with her and told her how I felt. It takes her a lot to feel really connect with someone, and I am being patient. If we weren't getting closer I would focus on just friends, but we are so I go with it. Your friend may be ready to go to the next step as well. As greatwhale suggested, you don't necessarily need to say anything, sometimes actions speak louder. Even something very subtle like holding her hand. How do you open yourself up? You just do. Let whatever you feel go and just feel. Don't let it scare you or want to turn away, but embrace it because once you do that, it is the most wonderful feeling ever I never thought it was possible to feel like this, but it is. Don't be afraid of the unknown and take a risk.
You're not in high school anymore. You're allowed to ask. "I was wondering if perhaps you would have any interest in us being more than friends." Lex
Invite her round for dinner/take her out for a dinner. Losen up with a bit of alcohol. Look into her eyes. Smile at her. Take her hand..... Just be you.
Right. Given the maturity level, this is definitely something that can be discussed. However, there is also the option of taking it slow, continuing to frequent each other, and it will just evolve as it is meant to. If you find yourselves stopping frequenting each other, then you will probably find yourself having a talk of some kind at which point you will be discussing what is REALLY on your minds! However, I prefer Lex's mature approach or my suggestion of just keep on keeping on than the last option.
Thanks all! Lucky for me I am dating a MFT and to her, clear communication is vital. I find it difficult to talk about my desires but she doesn't and she's actively drawing me out - and showing me the benefits! I actually told her about Lex's comment, but explained that in actuality I do feel like a teenager. I'm in a place that I haven't been for 30 years and don't know what to do. What do you mean I can't pull her hair and run away? Lucky for me she's sweet and understanding and patient and seems to want what I want, just as much as I do. So we had our 5th date last night. Our 6th will be Wednesday. And we've definitely departed from the "Friend Zone"!
