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Wish it was easy to forget...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LoveMyPups, Oct 9, 2014.

  1. LoveMyPups

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    Hi all! New here and just looking forward to some support from people who REALLY understand what is going on in my mind!

    Super LONG story kinda shorter…I’ve been married to a man for the past 10 years. I love him. I really do. But I am not satisfied with just him. He is my strength, my support, the one I know will never let me down. He loves me so much…just me! I alone am good enough for him. But I on the other hand feel like there is something missing. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, yet I constantly desire to be with a female.

    Four and a half years ago I met a girl who brought these feelings out of me. Never before had I felt this way about a female. The moment I laid eyes on her my whole world flipped. I guess I’ve seen everyone here refer to her as a “trigger crush.” For 6 months we talked and wrote to each other a lot, we both opened up to each other and became really connected. We live 3 hours away from each other, so we didn’t see each other too often. It was probably about a year after we met that we had our first “real” kiss, and that was a game changer for me. I had never kissed someone and felt the insane surge of emotion and desire that I felt when I kissed her. After a while, my husband began to catch on…read our texts and told me to decide who I wanted to be with. Since a life with only her would not have been possible for financial, and other reasons I told him that I wanted to be with him, but that I would not stop talking to her. She was my only friend and I needed her in my life. He was OK with that, probably because he knew at the end of the day I’d be coming home to him.

    Now even years before I met this girl, my husband was left to deal with a pretty much sexless marriage. He asked why I never wanted to have sex and I couldn’t tell him. At the time I really didn’t know, but it always seemed like such a chore. I loved him, but I didn’t want anything to do with sex with him. After years of being like this I figured it was from heartache of MULTIPLE miscarriages or maybe I was just not a sexual person. Even though I only put out a few times a year, he still stuck around. I even told him to find someone else…that he deserves more than what I give him. He would just say he doesn’t want anyone else.

    Back to that friend… Turns out that all three of us had become close. And as much as I had feelings for her, I did my best and pushed them aside and was just a friend. For about 2.5 years. Then she fell on hard times and needed somewhere to stay until she got back on her feet. My husband agreed to let her stay in our spare room, because she had nowhere else to turn. Things were fine for a while. Maybe the first 2 months? Then one night we were drinking at home, one seemingly innocent kiss and all the walls came down. We completely fell back into each other. Of course living under the same roof, this couldn’t be hidden for long. So, I came clean and told my husband. I told him I loved her. That I could not just turn that off. I also admitted that through the years I realized that as much as I thought she was the only girl I’d ever like, I was wrong. That I had had a few crushes over the years. He blamed himself for letting her stay with us, and said that he couldn’t lose me. He begged me not to leave him. I couldn’t tell him what I wanted to come of it, because I really didn’t know. I loved him, but I loved her. He was more of a best friend, a protector, a constant… and she was such an intense intimate emotional connection – I couldn’t choose between the two. We tried to figure things out for a few weeks until I discovered something she did that made me lose all trust in her. I won’t get into that here, but she made the choice easy and I told him to tell her she had to leave. She called a long lost uncle and has been gone about two weeks now. I’m heartbroken that she’s gone. She texts me every day and apologizes, but I really think I need to be done with her for good. I thanked her for opening my eyes to things I never knew about myself and told her that she will always have a huge place in my heart, but that she’s not right for me.

    So here I stand. I’m brokenhearted because I don’t know if I will ever experience a connection with anyone as I did with this girl. I miss her terribly, but I’m trying to accept reality and move on. Meanwhile, my husband, as always, is right next to me. Helping to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. Telling me how much he loves me…how he will always be here. I love that I have him. I need him in my life. But even as close as we have been since she’s been out of the picture, I feel like something is missing. He on the other hand thinks that everything is fine, because I’ve been more receptive to his sexual needs lately. Not that I initiate…but I don’t push him away as much as I used to. I feel like I owe that to him. He’s amazing. I just wish I could forget about the connection I had with this other girl. I wish I was back where I was 5 years ago where this was enough. But now I long for that connection. I don’t even know if I would find what I’m looking for in another girl…maybe it WAS just her. But I can’t get the thoughts out of my head. Right now I’m just doing my best to suppress the thoughts and be a good wife for once. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this sort of position…so I guess I’m just looking for some people to chat with that understand so I don’t feel so alone...

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    You know how when teens first get a girl/boyfriend, it's like the planets aligned for them? That OMG, they were TOTALLY meant to be together, and this ISN'T like all those other relationships at school - this one is SPECIAL. And if they break up, the universe has come crashing down, and they're done with love forever, because they'll never find anybody like that EVER again.

    Sounds like you had yours a couple decades after the fact. :slight_smile:

    This isn't to dismiss what you had, or how powerfully you felt it. But the odds that the ONE person you could ever get into a really good relationship with just happened to fall into your lap (as it were) are pretty minimal. Fact is - you ARE capable of meeting other women, and feeling just as strongly for them. And presumably these other ones won't be crappy people (speaking generically here about whatever it was that caused you to kick her out).

    Now, it may be that you will decide to stick with your husband in a closed relationship, in which case, yeah, she'll be the only one by default. But the potential IS there for another. No, it won't necessarily be that easy to find. And yeah, the first one always has a special spot in our hearts. (I still get a bit gooey thinking about my first guy, even though he was kind of a jerk in the end.) But it's not like you let go your one and only chance at physical/emotional happiness - you didn't. You just let go somebody who wasn't able to seal the deal. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  3. Emotional love

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    It sounds like you have something missing in your relationship and you found that missing thing with your female friend. To truly forget about her, which will be hard, you will need to cut off any emotional ties, I.e change your mobile number, get rid of memories of her. Perhaps have couple therapy with your husband, may help you figure out what's important. You need to be honest with yourself, is it fair to be with someone if you whole heartedly don't love them?
     
  4. LoveMyPups

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    Thanks Lex! I needed to hear that. Truly. I let myself think that because it was over 4 years that it wasn't just some schoolgirl crush type thing. It's nice for someone on the outside to put some logic in my head! And you are correct, she was a crappy person - I just was so "in love" that I was blind to it.

    ANd yes Emotional Love...I really think that therapy would be in our best interest.
     
  5. Lexington

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    The way I usually put it is "you weren't in love with her - you were in love with the idealized version of her. And unfortunately, that woman doesn't exist." :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  6. bi2me

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    Your story really touched me. Good luck with your relationship. It sounds like you need to decide if your relationship with your husband is going to remain closed/if you are going to stay married. I'm in a bit of a similar situation, but my crush (can you call someone that after 20 years?) is also married, and although I think she reciprocates at least some of my feelings, we are not actually compatible in real life for a lot of reasons. I'm hoping that I can remain content with my current (generally) happy marriage/life, but sometimes I wonder...