It's been such a long time since I've been back to EC. Why? As nice and supportive as everyone is, it still feels lonely to find support, basically anonymously on line. So what prompted me to post? Well, yesterday was national coming out day and I realized, once again, that I lack the courage to live the life of an older gay man and I don't even know why because I really don't think there is anyone in my life who would reject me or harass me. So, it's all from inside of me and that's one of the issues that messes with my head. I have put in more therapy time since age 19 than anyone possibly can with like 5 different therapists over 35+ years and still I can't be myself. Is it me or them? or both? I've been out of my house and home for a year, in my second apartment, since the first one was a two family house with psycho controlling lunatics spying on my life and leaving disapproving post-its on my door. My daughter is 21 and finishing her senior year in college; my son just started his freshman year and he went away the end of August. That was the hardest time for me because my son is like my hero; he's the person I want to be; he's happy, confident, strong, focused and we have always been close and yes, he knows i'm gay and he's cool with it; he's an ultra liberal environmentalist, vegetarian; he shovels snow for older or disabled people for free because it's the right thing to do. So the thing is when you love someone like a child more than anything in the world all you want is what's best for him even if it's killing me. He doesn't want a lot of contact, which is understandable and I don't want to intrude on him but I just can't believe that this phase of life is over. This summer when we went to see Boyhood, the film, the mom says at the end of the movie, when Mason leaves for college, "I thought there would be more." That's how I feel. I put everything I had into my kids and home and my fake marriage, not into myself. Now the fake marriage is blown up and every single "friend" from that phase of life has disappeared into my wife's camp. Odd; and I never even cheated on her. I should have cheated on her since I'm treated like a pariah anyway. Anyway, in the summer I was getting myself together and starting to explore my sexuality at age 57 and going into the city (New York) to gay events at the LGBT center and then when my son left, I got hit with a severe case of sciatica so now I can usually drag myself to work, but basically it's crazy painful to stand or walk for more than a few minutes and all the cures, the acupuncture, PT, massage, cortisone shots, and voodoo are not working. And, I am not a stay at home person; I can't even walk my dog so my wife has to keep him, which sucks. Fortunately, I am busy at my job and I started teaching a course at a local university, which keeps me so busy but what really, really scares me is the prospect of being alone. I haven't lived alone in more than 25 years and I don't like it I was used to a house full of people and now I have a lovely apartment with no one here. I believe all of this is my doing, because I don't have the inner strength, the courage, to fully be myself, having hidden in a fake marriage for so long. So that's the whole long rant. Sorry for being a downer. :help:
Yes, I also have a great little house in the country and I choose to be alone because I don't really know if I should take this journey. So much of what you wrote was so prophetic. I know you are struggling and you sound so terribly sad. It's scary, isn't it? These changes. And you are NOT a downer! You are just finding your way like anyone. Feel free to say hello. Take care.
Hi Arturo. It's tough and scary, there's no denying it. I completely relate to that feeling of loneliness that can feel so overwhelming after a lifetime of living with parents/roommates/wife and kids. It's a hell of adjustment. To put things in perspective, think of the many gay guys who never had kids and are now in their 50s realizing they probably never will. How tough must that be. You've experienced the joy of raising your kids and when you're sitting alone in your lovely apartment, you can look forward to sharing holidays and trips with them and a future in which you'll likely become a grandfather. Whatever else happens, you have kids who accept you, love you and make you proud. That's a true gift.
Well, for me, on the bright side, my wife got all of our "friends" from the marriage, and I was happy for her to get them! Starting fresh takes time. Building new relationships, although coming out is part of the self identification process, there is always so much more to learn about yourself. At least that's my experience.
Arturo, I can relate to your feelings of loneliness and isolation. I can relate to your fears of being alone. I have been a lurker on EC for a while but your post seemed to struck a cord with me. I don't have a wife or children. I am about 20 years younger than you but I sense a kindred spirit. There are many people out there who would love and support you if they got to know the real you. I think it is very challenging for a guy to live a straight life for so many years, have a wife and kids, then come out and start over. I can say that you have the rest of your life to be happy so don't waste it. Go out and meet people. Talk to people. Don't be afraid to show the real you. Be authentic. Go to any gay events, bars, community centers, volunteer, get involved in the community. You said you were a teacher so maybe you could be an advisor for a LGBTQ student organization at your college. "It" will happen for you eventually if you make it happen. I've learned in life that happiness comes to those who go out and get it. Blessings to you in your journey!
