I am 39. And I am finally admitting to myself that I am gay. I spent my young adult life on one or another drug trying to deal with the fact that I am gay. I was married to a gorgeous woman who left me after I told her that there are/were times that I felt like I should have been a woman. I have talked with this with my friends and they are all accepting of me. But the thing is that I will get scared over usually something trivial and run and bury myself back in the closet. And i'm pretty sure that mys friends are tired of my wishy washy ness. I have had a couple of relationships with men, but then I get scared and run back to the closet. One of my friends keeps telling me to just admit that I am a "big o' queen" and get it over with. Not that easy for me. I grew up on a farm in Texas were "men do't cry" and if you did cry then"you are a sissy" I moved into a very small backwards town not far from the farm I lived on. The same B.S. just more of it from some people. I was afraid then and still am of the repercutions of living out. the only person that I was ever really worried about was my mother. But long before she passed she told me that it was ok if i was gay and that she loved me regardless. But I have lived in such deep denial that I don't really know how I am anymore. Not sure that I ever really did. I don't really have any idea of what my"type" is. I'mjust tired of the loneliness and depression of all of this. I have attempted suicide several times, was successfull a couple of those, only to be brought back. I'm tired of beating myself up with what the definition of "normal" is. I just don't know where is to turn for people to talk to. I am a very shy person. with a social phobia. And I'm not very trusting of people based on past experiences. So basically I feel like I'm between the proverbial rock and a hard place. :bang:
I am glad you have come here... you will soon see that there are so many people that feel the same as you do... I want to tell you firstly that you need to not have thoughts of suicide... that will accomplish nothing at all. We need you in this world, and don't want to lose you!!! I understand how you feel too... I am 41 and only this month came to terms with the fact that I have been living a lie for my entire life. I have been married for 18 years and came out to my wife... that is an entirely different story... but what I am saying... for some of us it takes time to finally admit to ourselves who or 'what' we are. You must just take the time you need to figure it out for yourself. Use this site to help you and get advice... Remember you are loved... and cared for. Keep you head held high!
I can certainly relate to your frustration, and to some of your experiences. I have been struggling with my identity since I was 18 (now 35). Spent a long time abusing alcohol and drugs to escape myself. Now married to a wonderful woman and trying to figure out what to do. I can especially relate to the indecision you express. It does feel like an impossible choice, but one that is also urgent and life-or-death important. Psychologically it's a pressure cooker; for me that's been expressed in anxious dreams recently. I don't have any answers for you (or myself). Sometimes I imagine that if I met a guy who I fell in love with, it would all just click for me. But first I'd have to be open to that, and that would involve accepting myself as gay and ending my marriage. So, Catch-22. Anyway, it's good that you are here since there are lots of people with similar stories. One piece of advice just based on your post -- try to take care of yourself in practical ways if possible. Exercise, eat well, sleep right. Try to talk to friends and get out and do little things that bring you joy like seeing music or art or whatever you're into. It's hard to do that stuff when you feel miserable but it helps make you feel more human and less of a zombie. And you might look into therapy and/or medication just to help with the depression.
jkimbrell1 I want to say that I agree with clovis you are cared for now and we want to help you in anyway we can . I also have thought of suicide and thanks to the good people here I now realize that it is not the answer so please don't think that way any more .I am here anytime you feel you need to talk ,yell,cry what ever you need please don't hesitate to contact me I will be so happy to be your friend !!
Reaching out on EC is a great way to work through the process of accepting who you are. The fact that you engaged on EC shows that you are in fact well on your way. No need to rush, take your time as you think you need to as fast or as slow as you need to. In the end, I am co if dent you will be happy as you come to terms with accepting whom you are.
Being gay is not so big a deal that you should ever think about committing suicide because of it. You are upset and depressed because of the people around you, not because you are gay. You need to get out and surround yourself with some other gay people so you can start feeling as "normal" as you actually are, then you will be able to accept yourself when you see them accept you just as you are.
jkimbrell1 I'm very glad to meet you and am honored that you've shared with us here at EC. You've found a safe place to express yourself too. I too have struggled with similar issues. I can honestly say that once I came out it was like the weight of the world was taken off my shoulders. Mind you, I'm not saying I was singing the "happy happy joy joy" song but there was a peace that surpassed most of my life experience. I had finally done it... came out and started my journey to wholeness. Have you thought of moving closer to a large city where you can reach out and take advantage of counseling that is gay friendly and associate with others who are gay like in a support group? My friend you are not alone, we stand with you. You had mentioned about trust issues and you are shy so maybe start with the counselor first. Just making suggestions jkimbrell1 as I wouldn't attempt to tell you what to do. Yes it's scary wondering what if, how will I etc. but you sincerely owe it to you to take care of yourself and your needs... leaving the cares of others behind! You can go forth with your Mom's approval and blessing. I wish you love, peace and light as you take the steps needed to be yourself.
