My Silly Ol' Pining Self...

Here is some of my story. It’s not terribly exciting. It’s not even a face to face encounter. But meh, it still broke my heart. Sniffle.

Over five years ago I ended my last relationship with a man, and the way things are looking…ALL men. Except for the nine years I was married I’d always been flirtatious and had a healthy sex drive, dating frequently, but I would often get bored of the sex with men after the initial thrill of the hunt had passed. I can honestly say of the numerous boyfriends of my adult life (high school and college don’t really count, we are ALL goobers then, lol) only two were decent human beings that functioned as evolved, kind, hard-working, responsible members of society. One of those was my ex husband whom I am still very good friends with. The other was a good guy who had lots of issues with his divorce that dragged on forever and ultimately he just was not ready to bring me into his kids’ lives. This was heartbreaking but I cannot deny he treated me with class and was/is a sweet person.

The others? Eesh! I have a thing for the tousled, ne’er do well creative types. The ones that are in their fifties and deliver pizzas to make the rent on their efficiency apartments and still have enough left over to get comfortably numb. Beyond that they pursue their “art” through tips on open mic night. Some had children they had not paid a dime of support to. Yeah, I sure could pick ‘em. I once had a therapist tell me I chose these men because I had a savior complex. Since I was not able to save my total drunk of a daddy I channeled my energies into lost men. There is some truth to that because my ex husband and Stevie The Super Nice Guy were both professionals that took care of their own. They showed me the way real men operate. I admire them to this day.

So over five years ago I had another totally ridiculous break up with a total loser (sorry, just no other way to describe him) and I reached my saturation point. That was it. I gave myself permission to be alone. As usual in times of trouble I turned to writing, and to my enormous joy found several online creative writing sites. Depending on how these sites are set up you can create a character and play them and interact with other writers’ characters and build stories, etc. I loved it. I was like a kid in high school again, passing off stories in the hallway to my best buddy.

It was there I met “Eve.” At the time she was in her mid-thirties and I think she is about 39 now. Although she had some major issues with grammar and spelling I could see a beautiful imagination there and we began to message each other. I have been writing for years and often help young playwrights get their short plays ready for a festival we do every year, so I was happy to edit her stuff and teach her about character development. Though to this day she is the typo queen she really did blossom as a writer and I am so proud of her.

For more than four years we chatted online and wrote stories together for hours at a time. I’m talking every freakin’ day except the rare vacations we had no computer access. Ironically, when we first started our creative journey she assumed I was a man because at that time I was writing a male character. Noooooo, it wasn’t a catfishing sort of thing. I never romanced her, but I did decide to keep my identity anonymous. It was just about the writing anyway. We talked about movies and music and safe things, but anything romantic that transpired was strictly “on paper.” We weren’t cybering or breathing heavy or making promises to each other, lol.

Then in the fourth year she began to confide in me more and more and I felt I could trust her (I’d run into some really psycho women on message boards and was terrified of internet crazies.) I also didn’t feel it right she should reveal herself to someone that wasn’t forthcoming so I introduced myself as myself, terrified I might destroy the illusion of our fictional world. But no, her only response was, “Wow, you really write a guy well!” A month or so after that I gave her all my contact information and, since we seemed to be such good friends, asked if she wanted to meet on a mini vacation sometime (she lives about 600 miles from me.)

That is when the wall came up…well, sort of. She still wanted to chat every day, wanted to write our stories, but she would not give me her contact info. I knew from years of talking to her she was single and bisexual. She had just ended a relationship with a girl when I met her online and in the years we wrote together she dated two men fairly seriously and had a few other scattered dates that went nowhere. In all these relationships when the person would get serious she would flee. She admits she has commitment issues, so I can’t blame her totally. I knew going in she was gonna break my heart.

I could not let it rest that I had revealed so much to her and gotten nothing in return. All I wanted was a regular girly friendship at this point. Girls exchange pics, right? They talk on the phone and text and take trips together. But she seemed terrified to do so. She said it was because she had shared so much of her real life in the last year, her past, her secrets. But hell, so had I. What was the problem? She finally did send me what I guess is her picture (gorgeous!) and when I went offline for several days a couple weeks ago she called my number but was afraid to leave a message. I mean…that’s silly, right? I’m this harmless, nurturing, discrete, and completely kind fifty-year-old southern belle. What did she have to be afraid of?

To fast forward, last week I was telling her about this lesbian couple I know that had a baby via artificial insemination and, though I don’t want children, I told her I really envied their sweet loving committed relationship and I wish we could have that one day…far into the future. I was tipsy and romantic, wanting to flirt and she went ice cold again. All this on instant message, mind you. She finally agreed to TALK to me on the phone and wow, she was a stone. She just kept saying, “I only want to be friends. That is all. I don’t want a relationship.” It wasn’t just the words, it was the total frigidity of it all. I had always imagined her as this sweet girl, but she sounded bitter, unfeeling. She later told me it was because she was nervous. Yeah…well, maybe….hmmmm.

You can imagine how insulting this was to me. She had never even met me and she was cutting off all possibility. Hell, I’ve never been with a woman, I don’t even know if I could do it. But I knew I loved HER and wanted to build something real, not just a bunch of made up stories on the internet. I had spent years helping her with her writing, building up her self esteem. But we had also talked about very deep things in those last couple years. She spent an inordinate amount of time online with me for it to just be a passing fancy.

So last week, I stopped the writing partnership. I don’t feel the inspiration anymore. She sees me on the writing site and asks why we can’t continue to talk and write together. It’s always baffled me how someone can reject another human being and expect business as usual. Sad thing is, I know she misses me. She said yesterday online, “This is hard for me, too.” Hah, how can be hard for her, I wonder? She is the rejecter. I’m the rejectee!

There you have it. I’m a silly old lady that developed feelings for a girl online that I will most likely never meet. Someone that, like those loser boys, also let me nurture and coddle, then pushed away any desire for commitment. Basically I kept my heart in a box for five years then got up the courage to venture out….and this happened. Sigh. I am such a doofus.

Bottom line, though, is this happened with a girl! So yeah…this is new, and is sparking all sorts of internal debate. Do I really have an attraction for women, or was I just attracted to this particular girl, this writer. Am I like Pygmalion who fell in love with his creation? Maybe so. Bottom line I got dumped. Even though she still wants contact, wants the connection to me, I got full throttle rejected. I could shake it off when I was a cute young thing. Now…notsa much.

Thank you all for reading, if you were able to make it this far. I’m just a sad, pining Tallu tonight. Bless my heart, lol.

 

Oh how sweet, and hunny, 44 is young! You stop that! Lol!

It was actually five years, or would have been this November. I'm a DOOFUS, lol! I really do feel silly because I am not one of those "Oh, even though it is the internet it is true LERV!" kind of people. I'm a realist. Least I try to be. I have no idea if she was my soul mate (ugh, I hate that term) but I do know there was a bond there that just took a'hold of my nurturing heart. The sting lies more in her not even wanting to try to get to know me. That's insulting.

Double edged sword, too. It's a stab to be rejected and a second jab to be asked to continue on as if I was not hurt. To just go on...which I have several times in the last year, only to realize things would never change. Geesh, all I wanted was a girls' trip to New Orleans. Some silly texts. Friend stuff.

Girls are poopy. LMAO! Kidding!

 

Choo-choo! Lol!

Well that is sort of a bitter irony. I vigorously kept personal lives out of our writing relationship because I wasn't looking for love in the internet. I just wanted to write and was delighted to find someone that loved the process as much as I do. The sharing of personal information came so slowly and I think she felt safe with that. I guess I rocked the boat by wanting a real friendship. The whole thing is a bit silly, really, and I am baffled that it hurt me as much as it did.

Anyhoo...life goes on.

 

*High fives Rainbow Socks, a fellow southern gal!*

Sigh. Yes, yes, I know I burst her safety bubble but eesh after nearly five years of daily contact you’d think any fears she might have would have been allayed. It seemed perfectly natural that we might talk on phone or text. It really stung that she didn’t want to do that because in the first year of our online acquaintance the gal’s phone burned up to the point she often left me sitting online trying to finish a chapter, waiting, waiting, waiting. I finally told her I’d come back online when she had time to write. She got the message that it was pretty rude to make me just sit there and started turning off her phone for the few hours we were able to spend on our writing. Frankly I am not much of a talker or texter, but it would have been nice to send her a silly message now and then. There were also several times she traveled and said she’d be online and wasn’t so all sorts of scenarios went through my head (in our years of contact she’d been involved in two wrecks, and I’d been in one.) I also had some pretty spooky shit happen in my rural neighborhood (arson) and it would have been nice to just call if I got scared. I was bemoaning all this to a coworker (not the crush part, lol) and she said, “Ya know, friendship is not supposed to be that hard.” That’s when it hit me. Friendship isn’t hard if you are sincerely invested. Perhaps she was invested with conditions, but dang it, I’m tired of everyone having a condition AFTER I’ve poured all this love and attention on them. Pooh on that!

Oh and, hee hee, that WAS conflicting information about what I wanted, but that night I was drankin’ and thankin’ out loud (big mistake.) I did have these happy thoughts of us taking trips because we liked a lot of the same things. I didn’t expect sex, I just wanted to tickle and hug her. Tease her with our private jokes we had. But ultimately I would have liked a long relationship, a commitment to look after each other, even if it was just two old gals on social security arguing over what dvd to watch. Somewhere along the line I went from being guarded to a complete sap. I guess she preferred me the old way. 

And yes, I know she is hurting, but I’m really not sure she is capable of the sort of affection or empathy to be bothered for very long. She has a history of dumping people and plenty of commitment issues she regularly admitted to. I have issues of my own, which is why I have not opened up to anyone for this long of a time. I thought she was worth the risk and so I took it. I do regret giving her my exclusive creative attention. There were many times she would become jealous if I was writing with another. Yes…SO high school, lol. And I’d get a little jealous, too. It was silly, but girls get emotional about odd things.

At any rate, she has deleted herself from my friends on the writing pages so I will no longer know when she is online. I asked her to do this because it’s so painful knowing she is around but the writing partnership is defunct. She of course has my private and work emails, work number, mobile. Will she use them? Of course not.

Thank you for the sweet words. Onward and upward!

---------- Post added 14th Oct 2014 at 02:49 PM ----------

Hello Paul!

Alas, we have tried to rebuild about every couple months since last November. I think once I crossed that line it just spiralled. She would pull back, I'd feel rejected, we'd nyah nyah wah wah at each other followed by the silence treatment then she'd send me an email asking to talk. I'd relent, continue to write with her but all the while I'd feel hurt and resentful. Maybe it is just time to end it. She doesn't want me that way. I have to live with that. I know she will miss me, but more as a mentor sort of thing. She can take an online creative writing class to fill that void. As for the friendship, she has plenty of other real life buddies. People that are important enough to have phone privileges and the honor of her physical presence in their lives.

Ugh! It really hurts my pride, can you tell?

 

Thank you, Emotional Love.

Yes, after all we shared, and I don’t just mean personal details, you would have thought she’d be excited to meet me. We loved old movies, a lot of the same music, and of course our taste in fiction was similar. I probably was a bit …em…enthusiastic when I realized I was crushing. I don’t think I was creepy or anything, though. I couldn’t stalk her, I didn’t even have her number, lol! And I waited for a year after I gave her all my personal info to see if she would at least meet and see if we got along. Nothing. Nada. I don’t even know her last name. How pathetic is that?

I thought about her relationship status. I really can’t imagine her being with someone else with all the time she spent with me online. He’d/She’d have to be pretty much an absentee partner. But, heh, ya never know. I can be pretty naïve when I care about someone.

I will share the one thing last year that REALLY hurt my feelings. Her birthday was in Feb and I collected a lot of silly things to send her, including a sleep shirt with a band she liked on the front. I had to ask for her address – or any address, really, if she was that scared of horrible ol’ me – and she went stone cold again and was adamant I not get her anything. It was the rudest thing I have ever experienced. I gift my friends all the time and vice versa. Not expensive stuff, just funsies. Her reaction rattled me bad. I get teary-eyed right now just thinking about it.

As for the lesbian community, I have thought about it. I have read though that indecisiveness doesn’t go over very well. Women are so intense and I don’t want to lead anyone on or make a total ass of myself. But I am definitely considering it. Not exactly very confident in myself after this fiasco. I’ll get better, though.

 

Sigh. I hope so, ya'll. I hope so.

 

Thank you both. She logged onto the site for about a week after our break, but has not been back on since Friday. Normally I'd be frantic and burning up her email. I guess she is surprised I haven't done that. I just don't have the energy for weird anymore. I'm still so sad but I have to focus on my show and everyone else that is depending on me in real life. I'm sure I will miss her for a long time but enough was enough. It was starting to mess with my self esteem and that is really unfair for someone like me that spends the better part of her day babying other people, building them up. At least THEY appreciate it. *Pokes out bottom lip.*

And I am trying to write a little here and there but it will take a long, long time before I let an internet person in to that degree again. I mainly want to do my own writing for awhile. I even have a paid gig coming up. It won't make me rich but at least it's being paid for writing. Whoo-hoo!

Talk to everyone soon. I'm in the final 2.5 of rehearsals so I can't be on as much as I'd like. I appreciate you all so much!

 

Thank you, DarkestDream. With my schedule never had much time to wallow, which I suppose is a good thing. I'm always wrapping my noggin around something creative, and I love the internet writing thing because it relaxes me in a strange way. I can also have a glass of wine and stay in my bathrobe (a rarity with my long work hours.) Apparently she felt the same way about the writing (just not about me.) Ah well, she was a sweet, childlike, mysterious presence in my life for several years. I loved the long hours of creating stories and I know I helped her improve. One of the last things she said was that she would continue writing, but just on her own in her journals. That makes me happy. I think she needs witing to fight whatever demons she has. And I know there has to be some inner turmoil there, but since she did not want to let me into that part of her real life, to nurture her as a real friend, there is nothing else I can do. I gotta take care of Tallu!