My story (in progess)

Thank you for sharing. I will look forward to part two.

 

Welcome to EC. Your comments are well understood by many on EC whom have been through similar experiences. You will find a lot of support as you continue to progress on the journey you have begun.

You have taken a giant leap by no longer ignoring it, and you are in a strong position to continue to work through your own identity. We are all here to help.

 

Hi Aboutface! Welcome, thanks for doing all that typing and congratulations. You've made a giant leap. As someone who had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was asexual, for years, as scary as the idea of being gay seemed, it also offered a pretty significant share of hope. And that was something I had almost given up on ever feeling again.

Since then, I have begun to feel all sorts of things I never thought I'd experience. Things I had even begun to doubt truly existed. How incredible to discover that they really do exist and there's no reason I can't experience them too.

Maybe now that you've opened your eyes to new possibilities, you'll get to discover them too. Welcome to EC, welcome to a world with hope.

 

Having a Catalyst moment, which is seems like you just had with the dating site search, is not that uncommon. About half a year before I came out to myself, I was on a business trip. After a day of meetings, I went to a bar next to my hotel. While sitting having a drink, a guy at the table next to me started striking up a casual conversation with me. A few drinks in, and his arms were wrapped around me. I was not prepared for the feelings this brought about and I left the bar quite quickly. Although I left, I found the excitement that went through me to be unbelievably intense, like I got struck by lightening. It was as if I had awaken from a long sleep. That began my journey which culminated with the realization that I was gay.

 

Welcome to EC!

So much to relate to...

I wondered about being gay occassionally only to push it very far away as quick as I could. I also thought that maybe I was asexual or that I wasn't that into men because of some bad experiences.

I saw people around me desperately looking for someone and wondered why? I was fine on my own and althought I knew some nice guys I never felt too inclined to really give it a try and the few times they were interested I panicked more than anything else.... I didn't understand it: here I was finally getting a bit of attention only to want it to go away again...

I also wondered if I was strange... like very cold or a zombie or something, since I didn't seen to fall in love often and I didn't really see the appeal much either. So I must be made of ice... but I knew I was sensitive too, so why was I so indifferent on the whole dating/marriage thing?

And then, just like you (the OP) describes one day it fell into place. I was gay after all...
and because I had been doubting the more anti-gay stuff in my religion and environment for a while, it wasn't as negative or devastating a realization as I thought it would be. In fact, rather the opposite. It gave me a sense of freedom and a feeling that I was able of having romantic feelings after all and maybe in time a relationship too.

It also gave me a very different perspective on my history: suddenly a lot of memories made a lot more sense:

- defending other girls against negative remarks made by boys (and they were not amused by my action) or always offering to help them
- being enthralled by a belly dancer, ballerina, or figure skater.
-feeling that my feelings for my friends were more intense than the other way around (I always figured it was due to loneliness on my part)
- jealousy of guys they were dating (rather than thinking I wanted to have such a relationship with them I thought that I wanted a boyfriend too, though not him) etc. etc.

So much confusion that got cleared up after I began to think of personal experiences in that light...

I hope you'll become even more comfortable in your own skin and will go on a journey into knowing yourself better and experimenting with this part of yourself. I agree with you that it is not fair to be/stay alone, not without having tried anyway. There is no reason why we should condemn ourselves to being alone beforehand.

It petrifies me too. I'm contemplating the idea of going to a gay venue sometime in the next month or so for the very first time... It scares me so much! But at the same time I have some hope of meeting like-minded people and being able to communicate in real-life in a similar way to here on EC.

I hope that for both of us, the self-chosen isolation will not have to continue (*hug*)

 

This was my complete thought process verbatim when questioning my feelings about women and accepting my sexuality. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you ^.^

 

A "catalyst moment"....I like that. Sounds more intense and less silly than what I usually call it (a "Helen Keller at the pump" moment!).

I had plenty of clues that I was gay, and I certainly knew I was attracted to guys. But being the oldest child AND the oldest grandchild in a massive extended Catholic family where everyone was married and had a couple kids by age 25, just being adult and single was unknown, and announcing I was gay would have been like announcing I was really adopted and my ethnic heritage was half Eskimo and half Martian. It wasn't that being gay was unacceptable. It wasn't even remotely possible.

I had a number of factors that fed into the decision to start coming out in my early 50's, but my catalyst was a guy that I met as part of the religious education program at our church. He was friendly, cute, personable and extremely physically friendly. I wondered for a long time if he might be closeted as well and have finally come to the conclusion that he almost certainly isn't, but having an attractive man frequently be friendly with me, and touch my arm, my back, and compliment me on my musical skills, caused all those feelings that were hidden deep in the cold water of my closeted soul to break through to the surface and take a deep breath of air.

"What comes next" IS scary--it was for me too--but I can tell you that the peace and clarity and self-worth that has begun to come out of all the confusion and fear is more than worth it. And there's no rush. Coming out isn't a race to be run. I'm nearing the 2 year mark of telling my first person, and just passed the 1-year mark of telling my wife. It's your journey and you only need to do what you're capable of doing. I can promise you that in the end, though, you will be in a better, happier place. Good luck!

 

I think that for many of us the we have those catalyst moments that finally propel us to self realization. I had mine about 2 months ago... met a guy online... started chatting... and then Skype... then holy hell... what is going on in my mind... I always knew that I had those feelings... but this was something more. I have been married for 18 years... and fairly happy. But this guy has just turned my life upside down. Now nothing has happened and honestly we are just friends... but it was something inside of me that was just waiting for the right time and the right reason to come to the forefront. And its here... I felt a sense of relief of finally being honest with myself, I told a Lesbian friend that I was gay... hardest three words I have ever said. But it made it more real, those words actually came out of my mouth. You have just started the journey... I wish you all the luck in the world... and if you ever need someone to talk to I am here.

 

Hmm, upon rereading my post, I do want to clarify, my catalyst moment did not help me realize I was gay, it helped me start the process of accepting that I was gay.........

 

People who are repeatedly told by society that how they feel about themselves is "wrong" tend to be asexual in their behavior for long into their adulthood. You know now that there is nothing "wrong" about you, just that you are different from the mainstream. So, go out and do something which is "right" for a gay man, and find another gay man to love. You are not asexual, you have just been acting asexually; now act like who you really are.

 

Being a chemist, I like the terms "catalyst" and "crystallization" as they apply to this whole coming out to oneself. Also applicable are words like "sublimation", "volatility", "chemistry" and "reactions"...all of these suggest a sudden flash of recognition, acceptance, and ultimately, peace.

I particularly like the term sublimation, which technically means a solid that goes directly to being a gas without passing through the liquid stage (dry ice is the classic example).

Sublimation in this context however, is an elevation of sorts into a different realm, a higher register in the natural scale; creation of something new, seemingly out of nothing...This is how I think of the new self that I became; a new understanding born of acceptance and the letting go of illusions...nothing less than a metamorphosis...

 

Wow... Aboutface. I really resonate with your story. Thank you for sharing it. I'm also i'm in my early 30's.

I too come from a very conservative Christian background. Until recently I haven't reconciled my faith with my orientation (I'm bi.)

I too am outwardly asexual. I haven't really dated many girls, but I think part of the reason for that now is because I want them to know I am bisexual, more than the fact that I am not attracted to women. That being said, in the last little while I've started to see myself with men and women.

I did start online dating as well, but only have met 1 guy online. Part of me wants to find someone who has similar values and isn't too out there. I don't know... I'm rambling..

YOU ARE NOT rambling...but I am so thankful for you sharing your story. Sometimes in life we believe we are the only ones going through something but so many of us are going through very similar things. THANKS FOR YOUR BRAVERY!

Have you been okay with your faith and sexuality? If not, I have read a couple of things that have helped me in my faith journey and could make some reccommendations. The one thing for me that has been sad is seeing how many people tend to abandon their faith because they are unable to reconcile their sexuality with their faith.

 

Welcome to EC! As you've probably noticed, folks are very friendly and helpful here. I'm glad you are starting to come to terms with what you've known for a while. I think sometimes these lightening bolts happen for a reason and can leave you a more whole person after the dust clears.

 

Aboutface... a book that I read that I highly reccomend is "Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Evangelicals vs. Gay Debate" by Justin Lee. He also started a website called Gay Christians --- look it up!

Another book that is good is by Matthew Vines (I haven't read it yet, but have heard really good things about it) God and the Gay Christian: The Biblical Case in Support of Same-Sex Relationships by Matthew Vines. He also had a video that is really good: The Gay Debate: The Bible and Homosexuality - YouTube it's an hour long but what projected him into the spotlight!

I hope this helps you on your journey... in fact if you do buy the one by Justin Lee, I would love to chat more with you about it. You can simply post on my wall about it. But it's more a memoir and a conversation starter... I found myself saying many times>>>> THAT"S ME!! coming from a religious background I think you might appreciate it.

 

aboutface take the time that you need as there is no timetable for coming out, it's your choice when and to whom you come out to.