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Darkness

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by geoworld24, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. geoworld24

    geoworld24 Guest

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    I am starting to feel this overwhelming darkness. I thought I dealt with depression before but not anything like this. I look at my life and see I have and have never had any real friends just acquaintances who I’ve never been close to. With my social anxiety and other issues I was never able to connect with many people and was scared to get too close to the people I was able to connect with for fear I’d be rejected and get hurt (as had happened the few times I did try to get close to someone).
    I was able to finally able come out to myself and accept that I am gay, but it’s still very painful and I still have a hard time saying that out loud. I feel very bad for this and don’t know if I’ll ever get over it. I know I am and gay and really want to be, but it’s going to hurt a lot of people I really depended on in my life, when I come out to them.
    I’m over 30 and never been in a romantic or sexual relationship. I recently tried to change this I had one OK date but ended up being completely trolled and rejected by someone which killed any burgeoning self-confidence I did have. This really hurt me because I thought things were changing and I had hope for the first time since childhood. I want to change things but it seems whenever I try I make things worse. I now have this darkness that overtakes me and I come really close to doing some bad things. I am seeing a therapist so maybe I can get over this. Sorry if this seems rambling I just need to post this somewhere.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Sorry you are gong through such a difficult time. Its great you are seeing a therapist, that is a good start. Its also great the you have accepted whom you are, however difficult that might be. Have you considered getting involved with a local LGBT organization? You live in a relatively large city, I would imagine there should be quite a few you can get involved with. Meeting others in your area, even on a non-date level, could be really helpful.
     
  3. quietman702

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    You're not rambling at all and you make complete sense. We/I will help you stand strong geoworld24 against the darkness. Please know you are not alone, as many here are facing similar situations (this isn't to minimize your pain and experiences).

    You mention your coming out will hurt those you have depended upon. My friend you matter, you count and your deserve to live free. I don't mean to be too forward but at this time you must take care of you, no matter who might feel hurt. Also not all will be hurt but will support you in being yourself.

    Sending you light and love your way as you go through these dark times. Take care.
     
  4. Yossarian

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    You need a good boyfriend bad. When you find him, your thoughts are going to be about him and not depression. Keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself, "I am gay, and it is OK" until it actually does feel ok to you, then go out and find a boyfriend and tell him the same thing. Forget about hurting those who you imagine might have trouble accepting it. If they really care about you, they will accept you as you are, and if they don't, then their feelings should not matter to you.
     
  5. geoworld24

    geoworld24 Guest

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    Thanks for the responses, sorry if I was a little "hysterical" I was having a really bad day. I'm better now, I just had a real bad experience with a guy on an app that was really getting to me. I found a LGBT support group I'm looking attend so that should help.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    That's great to hear, hope the group works out well for you. Keep in mind, the apps have a tendency to bring a lot of headaches to those that use them. They are another world to say the least.